Told my husband to leave

[helpamama]

Guess I'm posting here for traffic.

So been married 13 years, together 20, 3 kids 12,10,6. We both work full time.

So I feel things haven't been right for sometime, my husband is lazy does nothing to help around the house or with the kids, doesn't get involved in family life generally, I feel like he's an ornament in the house, never asks any of us hows our day been, takes no interest in me or the kids unless I tell him too. Only helps when I ask and generally is quite mardy about the fact I've asked for help!

So yesterday morning things have come to a head and after a row I told him I'd had enough and that I felt more like his servant than his wife and I told him that I didn't know if I wanted him here anymore.

He was upset by this and told me that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I just told him I didn't know what I wanted and he left and went to work. I spent most of yesterday switching between feeling upset and cross, cross at the fact he thinks its ok to act this way.

Anyway yesterday evening he arrived home from work as if nothing had happened! The only difference being that he helped clear the dishes after supper and played for a bit with our youngest, something he never normally does!

But now I don't know where to go from here, I'm not sure I can just forget about this, I feel he'll only change for a short period of time and we'll just go back to square one. I also still feel resentful of the way he's treated me for years.

I just need to help, advice? Has anyone ever been in this position?

Does he have form for only changing for a short period of time then going back to his ways? If not then you should give him a chance to change.

It's his house too, so you can't make him leave, but you can start the divorce.

There's no point to the man except creating more domestic labour and teaching kids that women are for serving shit men.

I think if you want to give him a chance, you have to propose some kind of routine - clear and fair - for you both to follow.

Otherwise you’ll just have another row, six months down the line, about whether things have improved.

If you don’t want to, be equally clear about that.

He’s come home, cleared a couple of dishes and played with the child not because he’s seen that he’s been unfair and needs to make changes, but because he hopes it will shut up your moaning for a bit. You have 20 years of experience of this man, do you think he can fundamentally change who he is and stop treating you like hired help?

You've pointed it out to him what the crux of the matter is; his laziness (not doing chores) and not engaging with family (playing with the kids). So he's tick boxed those 2 items in one fell swoop. He'll be wanting a medal next.

You've broken the ice so to speak with how you're feeling but it's not going to get better with just the result of you being vocal following one lone argument. Now is the time to sit down and hammer out the nitty-gritty of you having had enough of being a slave/mum to everyone in the house. He needs to know that he has to start pulling his weight and you are no longer picking up any slack. If he doesn't change, it's divorce.

Would he/you consider counselling?

He’s hoping things can stay the way they’ve been. You need to make it clear they can’t. Tell him that he needs to step up and do a, b and c if he wants a chance at keeping your family together. You seem deternined, so it should become clear to him that he can’t just go on as he is. Then he can choose to change his behavior (or not).

I've been in your situation Op, and actually my husband did change.

I told him I was going to divorce him if things didn't get better and he started pulling his weight with housework and the kids.

It's only been a month but the improvement has been immense. He can see I'm happier, and that the whole household is generally calmer and better because I'm less stressed (was trying to do it all on my own before and burning out).

I would say give it a bit of time, he might surprise you. But if things don't improve and you really are unhappy you should probably think of leaving him.

OP, you sound frazzled.
I could have written this and I feel as if I go round in this same cycle all the time.
We have two small children and we were finding that we were losing ourselves as a couple in the chaos of parenting / daily life.
We have very limited child care options but we have found putting time aside for us even if it’s just a takeaway and a film once the children have gone to bed helps.

Do you get to spend much time alone together? Because that might help.

I also think a really good chat once you are both calm would help. Perhaps he thought you said what you said in the heat of the moment and that’s why he carried on as normal. Maybe if he knew you were serious he would take it on board and work with you a bit more and provide a bit more support? Maybe there are things bothering him too (not necessarily you).

Also, I often think, how would I genuinely feel if we did split up. So far. I know I would be devastated and I would regret it. It’s just daily life grinding us down.
Do you think you and your home life in general would be happier if you were no longer together? Your children need happy parents whether that means together or apart xxx
Sending hugs and hope you get it sorted xx

Get some counselling / therapy together. This is a place where you should be able to listen to each other.

Any changes he makes right now, tells you that he knew that not doing those things was wrong but did them anyway.

Start the divorce. Sounds like the kids will get more out of him when he stops taking them for granted and you'll get a chance to be happy.

You sound fed up of him.
Just get rid.

Ok let’s be practical, if it’s his home too you can’t just ask him to leave 🤣🤣🤣

If you want to get a divorce, consider how you’ll be with an asset split and any CMS if you have the kids more.

So many on here seem to just think if you don’t like a relationship you’re entitled to simply ask the other to leave and then carry on your lifestyle and housing situation unabated.

It's amazing that as adults men seem to acquire the knowledge and skills to develop productive careers where they may be key decision makers or responsible for managing others and yet they need coaching on how to be functional adults even though they have been training for the role since they first learned how to feed and dress themselves.

It's not that they can't or don't know how to function in a partnership its that they are too lazy to do the boring grunt work and will happily watch the person they claim to love work themselves into the ground to maintain a functional family and household.

And now you are being advised to put in more effort to help this man, who you have 20 years experience of, see the error of his ways? How much more effort are you willing to make before you accept he's just a lazy bastard and things will never improve. Any contribution he makes you will have to coax out of him because "you only have to ask" or the poor helpless lamb "just didn't know" and then you will be accused of nagging.

Ditch him and he'll soon find the skills he's been missing when he wants to deceive another woman into believing he's catch.

Can you have a proper conversation with him? Find out why he has been behaving as he has, if he really understands that his behaviour is unacceptable and if he can really change.
Also how do you feel about him? Do you want it to work?

You need to sit down and have a proper non-heated chat about it. He needs measurable concrete objectives. Ie take the kids to school x days. Cook and clean up kitchen after x days etc etc. you’ll do the laundry he’ll do the folding away. Everyone gets one evening off or weekend day off per 2 weeks etc etc. you should both be getting equal down time for sure.

don’t just accept the small change - make it clear what’s going to make it work b

I totally relate to where you are and how he is behaving.

I was there 12 months ago.

He has kept up the increased domestic responsibility for 12+ months. Our home is happier because of that. The kids are building a relationship with him that they didn't have before.

He has also started to be kinder to me. Check in with me every now and then. Give me compliments that he hasn't given since pre-marriage.

I am still here 12+ months on because it is now more bearable than it was. That's as far as I can go though. None of his changes have made any difference to how I feel about him as a husband. As others have said, he knew how to be kind to me pre-marriage, and he could have chosen to be an involved father at any point in the last 15 years, but he has only made these changes since I told him I was done. I'm not sure that's possible to get over.

I am stuck for my kids. They have a stable and happy life, with two supportive parents. I am too afraid of the upheaval and potential changes to leave. I am not pretending everything is fine with DH, so I hope I'm not deceiving him, but I also am too scared to say out loud that I don't think we're fixable as a couple. I am scared of the consequences of pulling the plug.

I don't know why I've posted about me, really. I guess just to say that it is totally understandable if your feelings towards him don't change even if he becomes a domestic and parenting whizz. Just because someone is finally pulling their weight (or an attempt at it!) that shouldn't mean we owe them a romantic partnership.

This is very tough for you @helpamama 🙏 First of all, congratulations because you stood up for yourself and, at least, you had some effect on him.
Personally, I would not rush things for the sake of your children. It is a very big decision to make and if you're not in an abusive relationship or in inminent danger, I would take my time and consider things carefully.
The next thing is to talk seriously with your husband: make sure he understands this not you just venting. This is a turning point. And he is going to work for the marriage and the family. Agree with the way you think is better (therapy, timetables for family time or household tasks, or whatever) and hold him accountable.
I wish you find the best way to work this out for your sake and your children's. 🍀

This is how I feel, I feel no matter how much he does now I always know he's watched me for years struggling and didn't give a damn and I'm not sure I can get over that, but as you say the practicalities of leaving / divorcing frightens the hell out of me and so I'm going to end up doing what I've always done and just get on with it even if that sacrifices my own happiness.

@UpsideDownside you're not doing right by your children by staying. If you want to leave, leave. If you want to stay, stay but don't blame the kids or use them as an excuse.

I divorced my h last year. It was a bit of time coming and I don't regret taking the time I did but he then said and did something that was unrecoverable. While I'll be financially worse off in the future, I am immeasurably better off in every other way not being married to him.

If I can do it, so can you.

Save yourself.

Don't be a martyr and sacrifice your happiness @helpamama . When your kids find out you did that it is a terrible burden for them to carry. And they will find out.

Your kids will seek out a misogynist slob/become one when they're adults, since they're being shown every day that women are for serving men.
Would you not prefer to enjoy life?

Have you asked if anything wrong at work? Is he suffering depression as you lack motivation with it ( I know that one personally) men don't generally talk about things like that. Maybe write a letter to him stating your concern about him if it's easier than talking. Less emotional. Ask him if he'd see a Dr.

and just get on with it even if that sacrifices my own happiness.

I just wanted to warn you. I stayed in a situation for almost 20 years to appease the other party. I finally broke free but when I look back, I can't remember any happy times. I sacrificed my happiness and really resent it. I have no good memories to look back on. That does affect you. I understand you have kids to think about-that's why I stayed. But please, your happiness counts too, and I'm sure your kids would prefer a happy mum. It's not like he's tried with the children anyway?

If your children are old enough speak to them about the way he is and has been all these years. Think and reflect on what life will be like without him. If some things seem very unpleasant just dwelling over it, then look at the positives of what it has made you- someone who has come to understand your situation and wishes to do something about it.

Speak to him (and his family if possible) in a very serious, yet unthreatening manner. Let him know what you think of him, what the children think and what his own options are. As change is always possible, see what happens after a while (not just a few days) and if he truly adjusts to only slight changes, then he was never interested and is likely to remain that way. Once that happens, you are in a better position to look at other options now that he has had his chance.

Take some time to rest and recharge. Give him a list if everything that needs doing of an evening—morning say 5 pm to 9:00 am and tell him he can do it for a solid week. Then take yourself out to dinner and come back home just for bed. Leave in the morning secure in the knowledge that he is in charge of the household. Spend your me time really thinking about what you want for your life.