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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overstaying friend...what to say?

65 replies

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 04:23

I am working in a lovely school abroad and have been for the past three years. I have been oversees for around 7 years and visit home every three months or so as I miss my family and I have the means to do that.
A position became available for a 3 month post, which isnt really well paid but a great role which could enhance someone's experience and let them travel around. My friend visited a few months ago, and after disliking teaching in the UK, asked if I would consider offering her the three month role. I stated it wasnt very well paid, however, that she could use this time to travel and experience being a teacher abroad.
Since her beginning, she has compared the country to the UK, often stating how much she dislikes it. She has been constantly homesick, and often, after I have finished 10 hours of school, I am met with tears and sadness when I come home. She has been staying with me the whole time, I have helped her, but I am now at the end of my tether. She plans to stay with me for the whole three months of the post, as she actually did not bring any money (at all!) for the experience, therefore cannot afford a deposit for a flat. I did not realise this before she arrived. She is always trying to save her cash, therefore has not helped me pay for anything, even things like shampoo and tissues! In a couple of weeks, we had planned to go on holiday to the beach for 7 nights, but she wants to share a room and not pay for it. I really need some alone time as I have been with her for 30 days so far in a one bed flat! Yesterday, I told her that she should consider leaving this week if she is disliking it so much, but she can't afford a ticket home. AIBU to ask her to leave? Should I cancel my holiday and fly abroad alone?

OP posts:
McSpoot · 28/01/2025 04:32

She plans to stay with me for the whole three months of the post, as she actually did not bring any money (at all!)

Was this discussed and agreed to before she came? It would change my suggestion of what to do now.

Puppydog83 · 28/01/2025 04:36

If she has been there a month already when does she get paid?
She should have some money then. You need to start setting some boundaries.

BingoDingoDog · 28/01/2025 04:41

Why haven't you said something already? It was silly not to have discussed anything with her beforehand.
I think it's time to sit down with her and have a chat. Tell her you want to have a talk with her about and then be as honest and open with her as you can. Work out what you want to happen before you speak to her.

Did you and her discuss her getting a flat or sharing you flat at any point? Or was it literally never mentioned by either of you? Surely at some point she asked if she could stay at yours or you offered?

Fraaances · 28/01/2025 04:53

Omg, tell her she’s a parasite and send her packing.

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:17

I told her she could stay with me for the first month and once she got paid she could find a place for herself. I thought she would be able to pay for a place for a bit

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2025 05:18

Can’t she transfer money from the UK to her bank account wherever you are? Doesn’t she have a credit card? It is totally perplexing and would be darn right foolish to go to a foreign country with no means to return home.

As for going on holiday, I would not go and leave her in the flat. You need to address this first. And she needs to leave. She has shown herself to be someone completely different from the person you thought you were offering the job to. You do not know what she is capable of as she will see leaving her behind to holiday alone as a snub.

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:23

She has absolutely no money in her UK account. She didnt bring anything or any savings.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2025 05:25

What sort of teaching was she doing in the uk to have no money? This is really difficult for you.

Maybe she can contact family to help her out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2025 05:26

I suspect she will find money from somewhere if you tell her she needs to leave even if that’s getting on a plane and going home. Has she been paid yet and is that enough for a ticket home?

McSpoot · 28/01/2025 05:26

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:23

She has absolutely no money in her UK account. She didnt bring anything or any savings.

She didn't bring any money or she has no money (anywhere in the world)? How was she living in the UK?

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:29

I really dont know, she has no money at all. She had 300 pounds to live on for a month which is doable where i am but not enough for rent and bills etc.

OP posts:
5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:29

The money she will be paid at the end of the month will be enough for a flight home.

OP posts:
NC10125 · 28/01/2025 05:30

Does she have a flight home that she’s booked herself for the end of the contract? Or is getting one contingent on finishing the contract with the school?

If she’s a good friend who you have known for a long time, and you can afford to do so, then I’d offer to help her with the cost of the flight home. Or of changing her existing flight dates.

It sounds like she’s in a really difficult situation - can’t afford to stay, can’t afford to leave - and there isn’t an easy solution here.

NC10125 · 28/01/2025 05:32

Ah, cross post. I think wait it out until she gets paid then and enforce that she either gets her own space or a flight at that point.

DeepFatFried · 28/01/2025 05:37

I would start with revisiting your starting point.

Which was that she could stay with you for the first month.

”I was thinking about our agreement, friend, that you could stay with me for the first month, and what you want to do from here? You really don’t seem happy so I’m wondering whether you are still thinking of getting your own place til April, or whether this is a good moment to jack it in? Nothing personal to you but it’s a small flat and I am often knackered when I get in and this flat isn’t really designed for sharing “

I don’t see why you should cancel your holiday. Just tell her it’s your holiday and you need space and are too old for room sharing!

BlondeAussie · 28/01/2025 05:37

Buy her a flight home with RyanAir or another budget airline. It would be cheaper for you than continuing to support her in groceries (down to tissues), plus it solves your problem of her overstaying.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2025 05:40

DeepFatFried · 28/01/2025 05:37

I would start with revisiting your starting point.

Which was that she could stay with you for the first month.

”I was thinking about our agreement, friend, that you could stay with me for the first month, and what you want to do from here? You really don’t seem happy so I’m wondering whether you are still thinking of getting your own place til April, or whether this is a good moment to jack it in? Nothing personal to you but it’s a small flat and I am often knackered when I get in and this flat isn’t really designed for sharing “

I don’t see why you should cancel your holiday. Just tell her it’s your holiday and you need space and are too old for room sharing!

This sounds good. I would, however, include that she has to leave before the holiday. And it really needs addressing today as we are pretty much the end of the month so it’s important to have this conversation before she blows all your money. I would also consider changing the locks as she may pretend to move out and move back in again when you’re away.

miraxxx · 28/01/2025 05:41

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:23

She has absolutely no money in her UK account. She didnt bring anything or any savings.

She is taking the piss. I would throw her out because I did not sign on to be her carer.

5599katherine · 28/01/2025 05:44

I spoke to her yesterday and said she can leave by the end of the week, no worries.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/01/2025 05:45

So she was lying and being a CF getting you to pay for everything

missdeamenor · 28/01/2025 06:33

She's using you and needs to go.

rainbowstardrops · 28/01/2025 06:35

Blimey, I'd be tempted to buy her a ticket and taxi to the airport! She's being a CFer!

Curtainqueen · 28/01/2025 06:39

Where did the £300 she had to live on for a month go if she’s not spending any money? This doesn’t sound very well planned, certainly not by her anyway. Who on earth thinks they can go abroad without a penny? Sounds like she was expecting you to pay for everything from the start. Lesson learned I suppose, don’t do her any favours again.

Itdoesntmatteranyway · 28/01/2025 06:54

Do you care if your friendship carries on?

ThejoyofNC · 28/01/2025 06:58

Get her to call home and lend the money to leave. She's a raging CF.

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