My best years are behind me and I've nothing to look forward to

[RockStarMartini]

I read this phrase on another thread (but this isn’t a taat really) and it summed up how I feel completely.

I’m early 50s with a child who recently left home so I now live alone. I do have a lovely partner but he feels like the only positive thing in my life - my job is unfulfilling and I’m not valued there, I earn a bit above average but my mortgage and bills take up most of it and retirement feels a long way away. My parents are ageing and increasingly in need of help that I don’t feel willing or able to give - it feels like a massive burden that’s only going to get worse. I’m always tired and I’m sad and fed up with how shit the world is.

I know it’s likely my age that makes me feel this way but I can’t even find the motivation to try and sort it out. What is the point once you’ve ticked off all life’s boxes? Education/house/marriage/kids/career - then what? I don’t have the time, money or energy for anything else.

The fact that your dc moved out recently might be part of this - it's an adjustment period for you. You have so much ahead of you at this stage of life, you can find out things you want to do for yourself, be a bit selfish if you want, make plans for travel or a new hobby or skill. If you're like me the winter won't be helping either. You might have ticked off life's big checkpoints, but that means what you do now is up to you - both scary but surely also exciting?
On a more practical level if you aren't on HRT I would suggest to start taking it.

Come over to the elderly parents board to talk about setting better boundaries with your parents. It's hard but lots of us have been or are in that boat.

How long left on your mortgage? Can you downsize? You're in need of some travel and relaxation xx

I feel the same . But that is the inevitably of life . I try to motivate myself to take an interest in doing more productive things with my time . I am a bit older so would advise laying the ground work now to remain mobile and flexible in later years . Ageing is hard but the alternative is not great .

I could have written your post myself. My situation is made worse by my work involving visiting a lot of elderly struggling people in their home many of them lonely , isolated and unhappy. It just makes me more depressed. I guess if I saw people living good lives in their latter years I may feel differently. My own dad is 87, lonely and lost my mum fifteen years ago in awful circumstances. Nothing I can do can make things better for him.
My plan now is to try to retire soon or at least cut down hours and live life more fully whilst I can. DH isn't particularly in good health and I sort of feel that good years together are numbered.

I’m 59. I try to get as much adventure into my life as possible. I’m scared of stuff, so I challenge myself. It works. I’ve achieved more in the past ten years than I ever thought possible.

Do stuff. You can fit it in between your responsibilities- it’s fun.

There are many issues in my life that could drag me down, but I’m choosing to refuse. A hike up a hill works wonders.

Glad but sorry that I’m not alone 😐 Half the problem is that I don’t even know what I’d like to do different and the other is that there are too many obstacles to doing it.

@NormasArse is right, get out there and have fun. Just try anything and everything that you haven't done before, from new exercise to cooking something different to going somewhere you haven't been before. It doesn't matter what it is, just so long as you are actively looking for something new or revisiting something you did years ago.

Where do you live?
Can you make plans to downsize, free up some money & live in a nicer/different area?

That is my plan ultimately and I daydream about where that place might be, check out Zoopla etc to see what is out there. It might be pie in the sky but it helps me when I have those feelings of pointlessness and like life is over.

I plan to live somewhere smaller where I can become part of a community. I want to be nearer nature and be able to walk in the countryside. I want to finally get a little dog. It might not work out but the plans keep me going.

Think about what your ideal retirement might be and then see if there is any way you can make that happen.

Find mel robbins on youtube :)

Time to be selfish! What DO you want? If you strip away expectations and the things you feel you SHOULD do?

Plan some things? I broke my life down into lots of different areas and thought of ways to improve each one.

Make a 5 year plan - by 55 I want to have….. been to Valencia or whatever…?

What did you love doing all the time as a kid? Often therein lies your passion.

I totally know this feeling and it is definitely part of empty nest but still having lots of responsibilities which make it harder to plan.

I had a terrible year last year with eldest gping to uni and 3 teens still at home, feeling bereft but at the same time not needed day to day except for money, lifts etc..

This year we have 2 at uni and 2 at home. We are also very tight for money. Things that have helped a lot for me is trying to connect with friends and acquaintances at the weekends/evenings. Planning things even just with Dh or a child who is available or even starting to do things on my own now.

It's hard because I also work full time and often tired but I make myself pull through and overall I do feel better (although still way to go). It is a journey I think and a difficult one at times. It's basically a little bit like reinventing yourself.

Ive got an empty nest too. I feel like im going through grieving. I want to curl up and drink sweet tea. Im hurting.
It is a process and I/we just need to keep going op.
Hopefully once the weather improves and the days get longer we'll find out mojo again.

I really didn’t think DC leaving home had affected me that much - they’re not far away so I see them every week or two and they text most days. I like having the extra space at home and no extra housework/shopping etc. But maybe it’s hit me harder than I thought.

I lost a parent 18 months ago (the ones that need attention are the remaining one and a step) and I think that’s also partly to blame - it’s brought up a lot of mixed feelings from the past alongside the natural grief.

It’s just all so draining - I got divorced 6 years ago and other than meeting my lovely partner life feels like it’s been a constant struggle. I’m really worn down by it and tired of having to put on a brave face. I also resent that people around me seem to get support and attention for much smaller things (obviously big to them though) while I’m dealing with stuff on my own.

Is your partner not much support?

It sounds like you are going through a very tough time. Your 50s is the age when the happiness u curve starts to rise again so the best years definitely aren't behind you, in fact they are in front of you.

I would definitely work on creating a 5-10 year plan and take positive action towards achieving it. I am doing this at 36 as I have fallen into a bit of a rut in life and it is definitely helping.

Could you get into exercise, it will raise your energy levels and spirits

Similar here. I realise that I rarely prioritise my wants and needs and I’m in a bit of a rut. Things I’ve decided to do:

Get braces on my teeth and get a regular haircut. I look dowdy because I never put time aside for me.

Buy a few new items of clothing. I never do this.

start making sure I get my 5 a day. Religiously.

Start Pilates. My body needs it.

Make new friends with a new hobby one night a week. I’m thinking sewing.

Make sure I try a new dinner recipe at least once a month.

Book a nice holiday.

Read more books and spend less time on my phone (ha!).

Go on a hill walking weekend at least once a quarter.

Try your own list OP. Get out of your rut and nourish yourself.

Bless. I'm 50 and feel like this too. All downhill. I keep thinking I might not see 60 and if I do I won't be as healthy as I am now.
I don't have a empty nest yet. I suspect one will never move out though.

My partner is a great support but he has some stuff of his own going on and I don’t want to add to it.

I started the year trying to really be positive and look ahead but a couple of things have already happened in the first 3 weeks that make me think what’s the point. Everything just feels like so much effort.

Hi OP I just wanted to say that like a lot of people I also found my 50s to be a hard decade with elderly parents/ILs and a teenager still at home. But the main point of me posting is to say that I feel I'm out the other side again now - and that things do get better. Sadly things may get worse before getting better but eventually there is light at the end of the tunnel.

January is always the worst month as well.

You need a goat in your life

I am 50 and just gone back to.unintonstart a new career. We are still young and don't let age define you.

50 feels youthful to me at 64. I'm threatening to retire and it's terrifying. Like you I have a v elderly mother and a step. The DC are 30 and 26. They have boomeranged back a couple of times. One married and now living 240 miles away and likely to live on another Continent by the autumn, the other half and half with bf and I suspect will be in Europe next year.

I get tired at weekends too but we still try to meet friends once a month and go to the opera or theatre once a month. There's so much you could do:

Join a choir, a reading group, walking group, the RHS/NT. Join a church, join the PPG at your doctors', clear out your cupboards, organise a new flower bed, turn a pond into a rockery, take up painting. Make a lost of counties/beaches your DH haven't yet visited.

Perhaps have your thyroid and vit d checked and sort out HRT.

Go to a good department store and update your make-up, have yiur colours done, take up pilates, focus on Self Care.

@RosesAndHellebores I've always liked your username 😊 I like that list but it feels a bit unachievable, I’m always so tired and unmotivated. Perhaps doctor should be my first step.