To not cook for DP when I’m working 6 weeks in a row without a single day off and a 6 hour commute?

[ZanyPlumExpert]

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

Don’t give this man another minute of your time. You deserve better

He can’t afford to have a ‘traditional‘ life. Want a dick! Does he earn enough to support you to stay at home and do all the womanly jobs?
please please stay with your dad . This man is a big child who wants a mummy. Donor have a child with this man and you will grow to resent him a little more every day and it will eat away at you. No mention of marriage from this traditional ‘ catch’ ?

• What not want

Break up with this idiot, move closer to where you need to be to cut that commute.

Think about how many less problems you’ll have with this person out of your life.

Like others have told you - if he wants traditional roles he needs a salary to support that. You shouldn’t be paying bills. Stressing out about finances or problems.

You cannot change this idiot.

Thank goodness you have realised just how truly dreadful he is before you have children with him and are trapped and even more broken down. Well done on leaving. Now concentrate on taking care of yourself and finishing your course. Definitely drop as much of the retail work as you can and stay with your dad for as long as you can. It might not seem like it now but you have absolutely definitely had a very lucky escape...

I had a kind of similar situation when I was in my early 20s, however the man was not the issue, it was his mother, she was horrid! She controlled every aspect of his life, and leading up to our wedding she was starting to dig her claws into mine, and he would NEVER stand up to her! Until a month before the wedding, one day I snapped, threw all my stuff in black sacks and never looked back.

It sounds like you've had your 'snap and never look back'. He doesn't seem to want a partner, he wants a caretaker, like yeah, take care of each other, but it goes both ways, it's called a partner because it's 50/50! I'm sorry to say it but does this man truly care about you if he doesn't notice when you are so desperately physically and mentally exhausted?

Do what I did, stay with your dad, get your head straight, and when you're ready get back out there!

Good luck ❤️

My Husband works very long hours in a stressful job, earns ten times what I earn.

He also cooks dinner for me and the kids 3/4 nights a week, helps the kids with their homework, does bath/bedtime, does 50% of the laundry, runs a hoover round when needed……… also listens to me moan when I’ve had a bad day, rubs my shoulders when I’m feeling achey after a tough day at work, gets up with the kids one weekend morning so that I get a lie-in one day a week.

Do you think this man would do all of this if you marry him and have children with him? Would you want a partner who shares the load with you, respects you, treats you like an equal, genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing?

My advice would be to run and not look back. There are much much much better men than this!

@ZanyPlumExpert please don’t go back to this utter oaf. A partner is meant to share the load - he wants a Mummy.

i never usually comment on here, but please do not go back to him. Stay away and let him live with his miserable incompetence.
i won’t say much on here, but i have a friend who has been married to a loser like this for 20 years. They have 2 children, she works full time and is the skivvy at home. He didn’t change. Her life is miserable, and I have spent 20 years hoping she leaves him. It is weaponised incompetence, he claims to not know how “handle” their children, so she does it all. He has no fixed job and works sporadically. He takes care of his own fitness, health and food, and criticises her diet whilst she doesn’t have time to breathe. He even accompanied her to a drs appointment with their children in tow because he couldn’t take care of them on his own.
Leave him and never look back.

Have a look at the posts in this group, they are relevant to your situation: https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879/?ref=share

Traditional means the woman stays at home all day and has time to cook, not spending six hours travelling and right hours working. He's being ridiculous.

DP and i are semi traditional. Our finances are like 70 him 30 me. I do the cooking, dishes, cleaning bathroom (toilet, sink etc), 6mth DS laundry. He does the hoovering, cleans cooker and microwave. We both load our laundry whenever but he always puts it away. I'm still on maternity while he works. He does night duty twice a week. Start a family with someone that pulls their own weight. He only wants a traditional woman while not being traditional himself. It's nice you like being a traditional woman but you need to find a man that will also pull his weight when you're down and need him to step up.

@ZanyPlumExpert I feel for you. You’re clearly so dedicated, hard working and empathetic. I hope you got the rest you need today. As I’m sure you know, studying healthcare, that level of stress is very serious.

Your dad sounds loving and supportive. Much more so than your DP. And he lives in a location that avoids your commute. If he’s offering, it’s surely better to stay with him while you focus on your qualification.

Don’t have a child with this man. In fact, don’t be in a relationship with him. He doesn’t love you.

A loving relationship is two-way and feel equitable. I wouldn’t call it ‘traditional’ to expect a woman to be your house slave. Throughout the ages, loving men have always supported their partners and treated them as equals, albeit within the confines of society at the time. It’s only unloving men who haven’t.

This man clearly wouldn’t be willing to share childcare 50/50. And already doesn’t share housework, shopping and cooking. What does he add to your life? You’d be better off on your own. If you feel time pressure to have a child, a sperm donor would be better than a partner who’s a terrible role model to his kid.

Focus on your qualification, your career and getting yourself your own little place if you can. At my wiser age, I’ve discovered good men come along when you stop looking for them. Don’t settle for less ❤️

Oh yes, thinking that women should do all the repetitive thankless menial stuff is very "traditional". Also thinking that men shouldn't have to do anything they don't "like" (do YOU like cooking, particularly? Doesn't sound like it) and that women are just innately "good at" the crappy jobs (nothing to do with whether you've had the practice, obviously). But he's just about "modern" enough to think you should be earning as well as doing all the work at home, right?

He'll think you should do all the childcare as well. Simple, really - are you up for it, or not?

Run for the hills as fast as you can. He won't change. Stay at your dad's and sack off your weekend job, focus on your uni course. Put yourself first.

Just to say@ZanyPlumExpert, we haven't heard from you in a few days - I hope you're doing OK 💐

Get rid of this lazy loser and also, if you can, reconsider your work life. 6 hours a day is not a manageable commute no wonder you’re frazzled!

Do not have a baby with this waste of space!!! He is treating you like a servant.

Run! As fast as you can.

Oh gosh I’ve just read through most of your thread. I hope you’re ok. I think you’ve already made your mind up to leave him. I’m glad you came on here for advice and a good vent. I understand your fears about fertility and TTC But you never know, you might be in a brand new wonderful relationship this time next year. Please look after yourself xxxxx

You sound incredible. He does not. Run. You are young and by the sounds of things have a lot going for you. You need the support of your family, not a dickwad.

Don't go back and don't look back.

Three weeks, you can do it. Good luck x

Dear god, op. Read this all back to yourself and imagine it was your best friend telling you this.

This is an utter nightmare situation.

Your selfish arse of a partner using weoponised incompetence to load everything onto your overburdened shoulders...

You've picked a dud. He would be a useless father and a dead weight once a baby arrived.

And I honestly don't think you're in a good place yourself to bring a baby into the world.

Please go back to your place with your dad, pack and go home with him, as he's offered. That's a good man.

If I've read it right, dad lives much nearer your uni, so you'll have less commuting time and cost and more sleep. I'm not sure if you share a mortgage, or rent, but if it's rent that's another big saving. Which means you can give up the weekend job.

If you don't do something now you may find yourself sick again. Your health must come first. Before his demands, before TTC.

Oh huni huni huni you came to the right place!! If only most of us saught this advice BEFORE we had kids lol the obvious answer which you know and have actioned already is to leave him.

you sound like an amazing, determined, kind, caring, passionate young lady with her shit together. Well done on your degree. focus on that and yourself and the right man will come along who will take care of you too and that’s the kind of man you want to start a family with! Good luck and lots of love!

You’re not his partner, you’re his slave. Where is his empathy for the woman he’s meant to love? Where is his respect for you? Appalling level of entitlement.

You need to save yourself from this situation. He won’t do it. Leave. Do not look back.

And before your next relationship, ask yourself what you want out life, on a day to day basis. If that potential man isn’t displaying what it takes then you won’t get it from him.

I always say that if a man wants a traditional wife, he needs to be a traditional man. And that means him earning enough for you to not have to work, and him funding all the expenses of the household.
If he doesn't do this, he can get fucked.

Stay at your dad's and enjoy a little bit of TLC. Do NOT go back!!