To not cook for DP when I’m working 6 weeks in a row without a single day off and a 6 hour commute?

[ZanyPlumExpert]

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

Straight in the bin.

so proud of you for how hard you are working and studying. Don’t let anybody minimise you.

He won’t change and if you children with this man it will only get worse.

Get rid of him. He is awful. I don’t know how you have lasted so long with him. Stay with your dad and see if your dad minds cooking for you for the next 3 weeks while you finish your placement. Good luck and I hope you are ok. You sound exhausted and in need of a break.

Fuck him. He's really not worth it.

Do Not Go Have Kids Either This Man!!!!!!!
He’s looking for a Mummy Maid !
What you should be asking is….
Why hasn’t it occurred to him to step up and help you!
You are young enough… don’t make him your life partner! I beg you.
you really need to pay attention to the responses for all of us women on here .. walk away. And thank god you realised the horrendous gender bias you were about to walk into.

OP I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you could be in for a lucky escape here. There seems to be no compromise or support on his part. I dread to think how things would pan out with a baby as well. Well done for moving over to your dad's. Wishing you all the very best with your studies and hope you meet someone more considerate very soon.

Isn’t a relationship supposed to be a partnership? Fuck him off you’ll find someone who appreciates you

It’s not the 1950’s any more and traditional roles only work when the woman is at home, which you are not. I’m pretty shocked that a bloke in his 20’s would even have this mindset. When both people are working the household responsibilities should be shared equally, or lean slightly more on the person with more free time, which is him. He’s shown you who he is, so listen to him.

Your so lucky to find out what he is like now definitely run and don't look back as once your married with kids he will get worse.
Saying he cannot cook food r you as gas to eat before 5pm then asking you to cook fir him at 8pm. Complaining at you having takeaway even though he has already eaten. How much of the bills where you paying ?

Go home, focus on completing your degree and you will probably find life is sudden more enjoyable without your boyfriend!

Do not have a child with him.

26 is still young, many women have children 15 years beyond that. Even with possible fertility issues, don’t rush into it with this man.

I wouldn’t bother with him any more. What does he do that makes your life easier? It sounds like it’s all about him and his needs which is not reasonable. He’s a grown man who needs to get a grip and stop behaving like a child. What housework does he do on his days off? I’m guessing not much. He wants you to cater to his every whim while doing a demanding course and then once you’re in a position to earn well and no doubt do a demanding job you will also need to maintain the upkeep of everything else and continue to cater to his needs.. Just no. If he’s been this selfish this far, I worry that there’s little hope for change because it such a basic requirement of a relationship to try support your partner and not be a massive drained on them. He’s behaving like a whiny teenager. Attractive it is not. I feel your exhaustion and you deserve better.

Please finish your studies, you are young and a whole life in front of you. Women these days often have their first child at 35+. Do not have a baby with him, you have seen how he will be, don’t fool yourself, a leopard doesn’t change its spots.
He may enjoy his hobbies but you don’t have any time to relax.also he was going to take off on a holiday without you. Selfish.

Take up your dad’s offer until you have finished your studies or until you feel comfortable to find a place for yourself.
Good luck.

Please go with your gut and dump him now. Don’t get pregnant and further trapped in a relationship like this. He’s horrible and is using you, he needs to grow up and realise that a relationship is a two way thing. You’ll be well shut of him.

There’s a certain type of man that will “support” degree work and careers because it brings money into the house, whilst at the same time being jealous of her success. The only way to show that is by highlighting her “flaws” as a 1950s housewife. He’s a blazing narcissist and a tyrant. Find a man who celebrates you and lifts you up in light and love. Never settle.

I am also on a healthcare course and had a 4 hour round trip commute on a placement last year. My then DP (now DH) did everything - i just had to get myself dressed and showered. He did all laundry, housework, cooking dinners, making me my lunch, checking the tyres, filling up with petrol, looking after the cats, making my coffee, kid related duties... I didn't have to ask or micro manage. He works full time. Usually things are 50/50 but I was exhausted and we are a team, I'd do the same if the situation was in reverse. I'm really sad for you. What a horrific 'man'.

I was in a similar situation and that's marriage ended after 2 years. So it doesn't end well to get involved with someone who cant even spend 1 day doing things for you.
I hope you make the decision that makes you happy and beinga you peace.

ODFOD

Yaaay for Dad ☺️ grab this gift and don't look back.

Leave now OP. Kids are fucking hard. Your first new born can leave you like a train wreck. Run for the hills and don't look back. That's shit never changes.

Feel so grateful you figured this out before you were permanently tied to the prick. He should absolutely be making all meals and doing most of the chores with your work schedule imo. Asking you to make a long, homemade meal after being at a taxing job for 14 hours is insane. He's insane. Don't go back, just go with your dad to get your stuff and then block him.

You are working and studying so hard because you intend to have a career and do something you love.
DO NOT have a baby with this 'traditional' .an or you will end up doing absolutely everything for him and the baby.
He probably has loads of good points, and could possibly change for a while, but in the long run, you will be expected to fill the traditional wife/mom role and either give in to it, or fight about it. Neither seems a good option.
Best of luck with your studies.

You sound very mis- matched to me. You're wanting different life styles.

I wouldn't even consider making his dinner for one minute.

There's an expression on here ... when someone shows you who they are.. believe them.

He has shown you his true colours. He expects you to cook and clean and work to bring money in. If you have a kid you will be cooking, cleaning, working AND looking after a child.
So unless that's the life you want, take your Dad offer up and focus on finishing your studies and move on from this bloke.

I honestly can't believe you were considering having a family with all this going on

He’s not traditional, he’s just lazy. If you stay with him you’ll end up a working mum like so many women, feeling like we’re expected to work like we don’t have children and parent like we don’t have to work, with no support in feeling otherwise. Find a guy who understands the true meaning of partnership and support. Move back near Uni, and get your life back on track before you disintegrate under too much pressure, you sound like superwoman but you are coping with too much and it will break you. I speak from experience and a bed where I spend most of my time now enduring crippling ME and Fibromyalgia, most likely from doing too much for too long.