To not cook for DP when I’m working 6 weeks in a row without a single day off and a 6 hour commute?

[ZanyPlumExpert]

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

I've only read your posts, OP, but I want tosay that you sound lovely and he sounds like an arse. Take your dad up on his offer. Consider something like getting an uber to placement or home again a few times a week to give yourselfsome breathing space. Your work is really hard and you need to look after yourself.

Sometimes they do. If you stand up for yourself and or put boundaries in place some take the hint but others remain the same because that's who they are. We do too much and that's fine if its valued and appreciated but if it isn't we need to speak up, if we speak up and still there's no change we need to leave.

Bolognese sauce as is in a jar of sauce? What exactly do you think in inside the jar?...

Do not quit your degree.

Do leave him. “Traditional” men are bad news. Find one who values equality and mutual respect.

You’re young, plenty of time to find the right partnership. I would focus on your studies and have a few years in the field before TTC. If you graduate next year, and then fall pregnant, your first post qualified year will be on maternity leave, that’s not a great plan.

OP, I’m going to say it again. Mumsnet is full of threads from women who have frankly ruined their lives by having children with lazy, awful, abusive men. I think in a lot of cases they knew their life would be made miserable but they wanted the kids. Other times they ignored the warning signs, and then sometimes the men turn abusive after kids arrive.

Think really hard - do you want kids so much that you’ll have them with whatever man is in front of you at 26 rather than risk not having them?

This man won’t lift a finger to help with kids. He almost certainly won’t contribute a bean to childcare costs, so you’ll be penniless, careerless, or both.

He's shown you exactly the type of husband/partner and dad he will be if you stay with him and have a baby together I'm afraid.
You must be shattered 💐

Oh, and let me guess: he moans about your unshaven legs while he is pestering you for sex when your are knackered and ill?

Ahh yes those traditional men that expect women to work and pay half the bills, and not bet married before having children. He's not traditional, he's just another entitled, misogynistic arsehole who thinks his penis is some kind alter at which women worship and sacrifice. I mean what does he think he's actually contributing to this relationship? How does he think it benefits you?

You're worth so much better than being a skivvy for a pig who can't even show concern when you're in hospital, he's all about himself. I hope you don't go back, and I also hope you never fall into the trap of taking on any more than 50% of the cooking and cleaning when you both work.

Is he the Earl of Grantham time travelled from 1924?

Dump the useless guy and freeze some eggs.

Run. Faster than you ever have.

I'm so glad you've left. Honestly I work in healthcare and this really resonates with me.

Do not think he'll change with ultimatums etc. he's shown you who he really is.

I applaud your work ethic @ZanyPlumExpert but you're doing too much and your partner isn't helping. Take your lovely Dad up on his offer, stay with him until your course ends ,cut back on the weekend job and just concentrate on your studies.
Your partner is not going to make you happy Op, he's watching you fall apart from your workload now, if you had a child it would be just the same. Please don't stay with him because of your fertility worries, better to go it alone then stuck with his selfishness.

It’s so weird and outrageous. A normal young couple are a team who help each other. At your stage whoever got home first did tea. If I had a deal on it was Dh doing it for weeks if he had a hearing coming up I did it.

I would have thought he was mental if he sat there waiting for me to come home to cook?! Is he disabled or challenged in some way?

The hospital issue was just awful where he didn’t go with you, absolutely horrific.
You are young, well educated and furthering your career, which is something you are clearly passionate about.
Your dad sounds amazing and is offering you a safe, secure home where you are loved and supported.
Even if this partner loved you and supported you, the commute is killing you and it’s clear he would not move to help you.
Do not ruin your life at such a young age. Imagine being at home with a young baby. He would not lift a finger to do anything.
To ask you to cook a lasagne after the day you’d had is just ridiculous. I don’t want to say abusive but I can’t think of a word which fits.
So many women on here are trapped. You are at a stage where you aren’t, and you have all the resources you need to make a great life.
If this man wants a 24/7 housekeeper he can pay one!

Urgh what a bellend. Dump him OP. Focus on yourself and your degree 💐

You sound like an intelligent hardworking young woman who is building a future for herself. And your dad is there for you. You don't need us to tell you what to do.

Re your fertility issues - is there any chance that you could freeze some of your eggs?

> On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

Why didn't he cook on those four days?

Enjoy your day off and have a lovely bath. Use it to plan your future without this dead weight of a man. He has shown you exactly who he is and having children with him would all fall on you. The future is bright for you. Less so for him unless he sorts himself out.

@CosyLemur So you put a jar of bolognese sauce in. He didn't.
It was just mince and a tin of tomatoes. Grim.

How hilarious that he’s a believer in traditional gender roles yet expects you to work every day of the week 😒

I’m sorry that you’ve wasted your time on this horrible man. Do not waste any more. You have an exit option that is so easy: leave and don’t look back.

If children and fertility are a worry, you’re genuinely better off using donor sperm and living as a single mum than having this useless lump’s needs to also attend to.

So, while cooking for your partner in such a stressful job situation is definitely a totally unreasonable expectation on his part and he should be the one cooking for you instead, I do think it's on you to have taken so much on. A 3hr commute each day is mad, you should have forseen that, why didn't your partner move to your Uni city instead of you moving? Why doesn't your partner do one day of retail job so you can do just one instead of two? If your Dad is willing to offer free rent, can he offer a financial contribution to your school instead? Your entire situation is unreasonable and understandably causing massive stress for you, cooking is just a very tiny part of it.

This tells you everything you need to know. FFS don't let this person back in your life in any way, shape or form.

Your dad sounds lovely, so you clearly have a real-life example of what a decent man looks like. Your ex sounds awful. Forget about him, focus on yourself and your future. As others have said, freeze your eggs if you want to buy yourself more time for children. But that was not the man for you, so get your stuff out of his place and take your dad up on his offer to support you until you've finished uni. Wishing you the best of everything, you deserve it