To not cook for DP when I’m working 6 weeks in a row without a single day off and a 6 hour commute?

[ZanyPlumExpert]

We’re a couple in an our 20s living together. No kids yet but we were tentatively planning to start trying for a baby next year, but I am now reconsidering after becoming disillusioned by my partner’s laziness. If you’re wondering why I’m on Mumsnet when I have no kids, it’s because I often come across it when Googling stuff and I’ve found it to be a really helpful community.

Anyway, here is the situation. I’m in my second year of uni as a mature student in a full-on healthcare degree which involves being in uni 4 days a week, and I also have to work 8 hour shifts Saturday and Sunday due to the cost of living, so I usually am only off on Wednesday’s when I have to meal-prep, clean the house, do the big shop etc etc. I also moved an hour away from my university in order to be with my partner and don’t drive (I have dyspraxia and feel it isn’t safe for me to drive), so have a 3 hour commute on public transport each way to get to uni, meaning that I leave the house at 6am and get home at 7pm when I am in uni. My partner works 4-on-4-off doing 12 hour shifts in a very physical high responsibility job. On his 4 days off he enjoys the gym and going to a boxing club.

When I’m on a uni placement, I lose my Wednesday day off as placement is 9-5 Monday to Friday, it’s meant to emulate what a full-time job in the field would be like. I could not get a placement near to home, only near to my uni, so I’m still doing the 3 hour commute each way and leave the house at 6am and get back at 8pm. I am, as you can imagine, absolutely fucked. I’m 3 weeks into the 6 week placement and I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m run down and have had a cold for 2 weeks straight, I’ve been spending fortune on coffees and fast-food because I don’t have the fucking time to do anything. On the weekends I’m working in retail and getting shouted and screamed at by customers.

My partner has still been expecting me to meal prep after my weekend shifts so we have food throughout the week. He is “traditional” and likes me to cook for him, and as he’s big on health, he hates when I eat fast food, and he moans if I order takeaways when I’m shattered. Last Thursday I came home and had a nervous breakdown, I got home at 8pm (he was enjoying his 3rd day off out of 4) and he requested me to make lasagne. It was 8pm ffs and I had to leave the house at 6am the next day! I’d also had a really draining day involving an upsetting situation with a child patient where I’d had to get involved with a safeguarding report. I told him to fuck off and said he could have cooked, I got a load of excuses that he doesn’t like cooking, blah blah blah, he isn’t good at it, blah blah blah. I said if he at least tried, I’d be happy. The next day (last Friday) I got home and he had made a “bolognaise” which was literally mince and tinned tomatoes, no other ingredients. The mince was pink and he hadn’t done any pasta, he wanted me to do that. I lost it and phoned my dad (who is based in the city where my uni is) to come and pick me up, and I’ve been there ever since.

He has been grovelling over the phone but I don’t want to go back. I am absolutely exhausted. I still have 3 weeks to go of this placement and nothing will be different, I will end up getting seriously ill from the stress I think. My period is 3 weeks late (deffo not pregnant, tested negative, it’s stress related). I am reconsidering the entire relationship and am terrified to have a baby with him, as I don’t think he’ll do anything to help. During my meltdown I told him I wanted to quit uni and get a normal 9-5 job so I could have my weekends back and cook for him like he wants, and he says no because I’ll earn better when I graduate!!!! He wants it all ways.

I know I’m not in the wrong but I need some hand-holding I think. Surely I’m not unreasonable to expect my partner to cook on his days off when I work 6 weeks in a row without a day off, especially when 5 days a week I’m commuting 3-hours each way?

Oh, and well done for leaving, OP.

It sounds like life would be much better at your dad's so I hope you have the strength, and the sense, to stay there.

Fuck your ex. He sounds like a twat.

The fact that he sees you work yourself to the bone but still expects you to meal prep etc is major red flags. He doesn't care about your suffering enough to even try and step up. He's not a keeper op. Bin this one for sure.

I think it's best staying at your dad's as it's near your uni so you will at least get a bit more rest from shorter commutes. Is your job close enough? Could you maybe try and find something closer to your uni? Or maybe if you don't need to contribute to rent you can drop the job and live off student finance?

Not happening! The Bolognese mince, tinned tomatoes, Bolognese sauce and pasta take up most of my daily food budget!

OP, you sound ace. Move in with your dad, quit your weekend job and focus on your uni/placement. He is not worth it.

I have a 16 week old baby, trust me, if my partner was useless it would be HARD. There are still difficult moments now and I have a partner who does 100% of the cooking and does 50% of the house work and baby care when he is at home.

Would he take the baby down at 5.30 am to let you catch up on a tiny bit of sleep? Would he cook for you, run you a bath, hold your hair back while you're being sick while pregnant, rub your feet and back when you're knackered? If the answer is no to any of those then it really will not work.

If you leave him, as you should, he might come crawling back, promising you the world. Please do not believe him x

end the relationship. Do not bring a baby into this! Move on

OPp please leave and don't look back

Leave the manbaby and whatever you do don’t start a family with him. You’re looking at a future where he will expect all this forever! Clearly you’re a very dedicated and hardworking woman, in an extremely demanding career. In order to survive that to graduation you need support and mutual understanding, give and take, shared responsibilities etc. Honestly, imagine life without him, you living closer to your commitments, and having more time and money so you can be healthier and happier. No partner is worth this level of giving, don’t forget, YOU are the prize!

Take care of yourself. He would have been ten times worse after children.

So glad you're with your dad instead.

Fuck that OP. Stay at your dad's, cut your weekend working and live happily ever after ❤️

A friend of mine married a man like this (abusive early in the relationship). He abused her verbally and physically for years. They had three children. He had her scrubbing the kitchen floor and cooking him dinner as soon as she got home from hospital with the babies. She finally left. He's turned the children against her. Her life is a disaster. She wishes she'd never met him even taking the children into account.
This man is bringing nothing positive to your life

I’ve read you replies op, please stay at your dads. Life will be so much better and easier for you there. I’m guessing it’s nearer to your uni and placement too?
I’m so angry on your behalf. Having 4 days off to recover from a physical job is fine but if you can spend your days boxing, an extremely physical sport, then I’m sure you can muster up the energy to stick a pizza in the oven for your partner who is on the verge of a meltdown due to the unsustainable hours she’s working. Please don’t take that as an excuse because it’s absolute bollocks.
Oh, and the only reason he’s calling you grovelling is because he’s having to fend for himself and it’s hard work. Throw this one out op.

you did the right thing to walk out, now continue to do the right thing and not go back. Some people aren’t cooks, fine, but that’s not the issue here. It’s his attitude for you wanting to do a “traditional” role, making no accommodation for your placement and generally laziness. Do not have a baby with this man.

Don't have a child with him obviously. But even if he was the best partner in the world, this situation is ridiculous and you'd be better off living apart to avoid the commute.

Take your dad or another male friend or relative with you to collect your stuff and never look back. Pause only to thank your stars that you had the sense to get out before you were trapped with a child.

He is awful. You sound fab.

Here’s the problem, he’s ‘tradition’ ie a lazy prick. You’re not ‘traditional’ ie a walkover. You’re not compatible, move on.

Please please please do not go back. Stay with your dad until uni finishes. Stop the weekend work (unless you need the money?) and use the time you now have to rest, recover and concentrate on your future. I understand your fertility problems but please do not have children with this boy. He is no man. What will your relationship with him teach your children? Nothing you want to learn. Focus on what is in front of you now xx

Yanbu - you say you don't want to go back - listen to what your head is telling you. Your partner sounds very selfish he will not change. You are studying and working so hard, you sound amazing and deserve so much better in a partner.

Leave.
He will never change and once you have a baby, the man child will up his anti and get worse.

YADNBU!! I'm so glad that you're at your DF's place. Take him up on his offer of staying there with him. Dump the partner, finish your degree, look after yourself. I'm a nurse and I know how arduous the training and placements are (and how tough the work can be). Not sure what your degree is in (sorry if I missed it), but you get the picture. You need rock solid support whilst you're studying, not this nonsense. I also know that being a single parent, whilst working FT, is easier than being with a man child that does nothing to help with parenting/around the house etc. It was soul destroying coming home knackered after a 12/13hrs shift to find the house in a mess and no meal ready, the DC not fed/sorted etc. So many times, I'd be crying in the toilet, then catching up on all the things that should have been done whilst I was at work and ex was at home. I ran myself into the ground. My DC are older now, I work FT but my days off are wonderful. That's when I catch up on stuff that needs doing, self care etc but I've taught my DC to get on and do stuff around the house, cook etc.

Please please, DON'T have children with this guy. If he can't even be arsed now to clean the house and cook on his days off, then there is no way that he'll lift a finger to do any parenting. Well he might do the odd thing, once in a blue moon, however he'll leave it to you, and you'll end up working yourself into the ground. But he's showing you that he has absolutely no respect for you at all.

I don't buy the "traditional" man type thing either: My Dad was the breadwinner....but he earned more than enough to ensure that Mum did not NEED to work/earn (unless SHE wanted to). He also got on with doing stuff around the house when he wasn't away working. They were a team and highly respected each other. All my brothers/male relatives all work and all know to cook/clean/parent and get on with stuff in the house...and we come from a non-UK family (where it is definitely more common for men to be the breadwinner and women to be SAHPs).

In your shoes? I'd be dumping the partner, staying with my lovely Dad, focussing on my degree, my health and getting myself set up and sorted. Your partner has shown you who he is...listen to him.

If you were on an airplane with him, something went wrong and the oxygen masks were needed, and his was tangled, he’d grab yours, and let you try to work out the tangle while holding your breath.
never ever go back.

Separate from him while you are at uni and see how it feels. You can presumably stay with your dad - a three-hour commute is ridiculous.

I bet you’ll fund you are fine without your partner, who sounds awful, so then you can make the break permanent. Having a baby with this man like that would be madness. He won’t change and there are lots of better men out there.

Op I’d question why you ever accepted the premise that he’s a traditional man and just started doing all the housework and cooking. You seem very switched on so I think you need to examine this before you get into another relationship.

If you quit your uni course with 1 year to go you’d regret it forever and it would just be another reason to resent this man

Stay with your dad and cut off all communication with this so called partner. He is using every narcissistic trick in the book and doesn't respect you at all. If you go back to him, he will think this is you giving him permission to treat you like shit, and it'll only get worse. Domestic abuse is no joke and is exactly what is happening here. Please keep your head held high and don't let him guilt you into going back.

Do you put in tinned tomatoes and bolognese sauce??? Carrots, onions, herbs, seasoning would cost a lot less than commercial sauce.

Just adding salt and pepper, maybe some mixed herbs, would be all that's needed if you are i
on the bones of your arse - there's really No salt and pepper in your house?

Op, my daughter is at uni doing a medical degree. She also works and travels (only one hour each way though). So I understand how difficult a course it is. Please, please for your own mental health and wellbeing, end this relationship. You can not stay with a man who does not nurture and support you and respect how difficult things are for you at the moment. He will never improve and get better.

So you have a child with him, then you need to return to work. Maybe have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night, have to do all the housework and cooking and caring for the baby when you get in whilst he has sat on his arse all day. This wont work.

You deserve better, my husband wakes me up every morning with a cup of tea during the week. Does 50/50 of all chores, does most of the dinners as he likes to cook. Earns more than me. Really makes me feel cared for and loved. When I was in a stressful point of my life and had just come out hospital and was caring for my dying mum, he stepped in and done mostly everything at home and for the kids. You need someone who picks up the slack and takes care of you through difficult periods of your life. He sounds like he causes you stress rather than make your life better/easier being in it. Stay with your dad, get your degree and focus on your own wellbeing. You aren't his mother which he seems to think you are.