To ask what do you talk about with your friends?

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Inspired by a few threads I have seen about friends that can be draining because they can complain too much.

Do you think you have ever been that friend? Do you have a friend like that? If you have a friend that you see on a regular basis, how much of that time is spent moaning about different stuff? Is it ok to moan a little and get things off your chest or should you try and be positive at all times?

Most of my friends have different tastes to me in a lot of things - which is fine. But then I worry that our time is spent just complaining about things. I quite like a deep conversation about in depth topics, but I worry my friends would be bored by this so don’t tend to talk about those kinds of things.

What are the content of your conversations?

Books
Films
Travel
Theatre
Work
Families

I can take a bit of moaning and venting but not for hours.

What are deep topics according to you?

We usually chat about our respective husbands and kids, enquire about mutual friends we haven't seen for a while, chat about TV programmes and books we think are worth watching or reading, have a moan about work, and pick each others brains about any health issues or other problems, holidays, upcoming birthdays or other plans. The usual, I guess?

Moaning is very welcomed - but we have mutual friends who make an art form out of it, so none of the regular mix go too overboard with it, but we know we can when required.

Perhaps deep isn’t the correct word.
But things like politics, view on the world, views on history, opinions on books, bit of philosophy, hopes and dreams for the future - that type of thing. Rather than talking about other people all the time. Especially if it is bitchy or about someone I don’t know - “my boss’ friend’s wife needs a knee replacement” for example

I have a dear friend whom I have known for a long time and I see regularly who complains quite a lot about everyone. And it can get quite bitchy sometimes. I don’t think I would mind occasionally, but as she goes in to such detail on things it can take her an hour to explain something that you could sum up in one sentence, for example.

Health
Family
Holidays
Work
Hobbies
Theatre

I find moaning about health very tedious. Not all that interested in other people's kids either.

I mostly talk about books and travel and interesting things we do.

This sounds v dull. I have to say I am not interested in friends who dont have similar interests any more.

Yes I think I do too but I don’t want to appear unsupportive either.
Her partner currently has a very non-serious minor health condition and she updates me on it every week. I don’t really know what to say about it anymore.

We also have a mutual friend who has just been through something quite traumatic - she has been leaning on both of us (to be expected!) but perhaps on my other friend more. Thing is, my other friend is constantly complaining about it but I don’t know what to tell her. I just think if you don’t want to be there for someone alll the time because you find it suffocating (which is understandable) that perhaps you should tell them?

Holidays
hobbies
relationships
work
health
families
pets
lego
style and beauty
local community issues
wider society issues

It depends on the friend. I have one friend who usually wants to have a moan/vent about her husband, so I’m her sounding board for that. A group of friends I went to school with and we often reminisce and laugh about our childhoods or things that are nostalgic to us. Another friend who has similar worldly interests to me, so we talk politics, literature, films (and often the links between them all), another who has been single for years and is now re-finding herself, so we talk about sex a lot. Different friends, different chats!

This all sounds very reasonable. But when you talk about families and relationships, for example, is it usually positive stuff? Not saying it’s never ok to moan of course, I think we all need it sometimes but perhaps not all the time?

so we talk politics, literature, films (and often the links between them all)

This is the sort of stuff I love! Comparing all these different things with one another, art imitating life etc.
The only person I know who likes talking this way is my friend’s partner so it’s usually over text

My bestie and I moan constantly, but we're hilarious (maybe only to each other 🤣) so it's moaning in a funny way. We're not actually getting down in the dumps about it. And we can cover a broad range of moanable topics!

Family, friends in common, books, TV drama, clothes, politics, sport, current affairs

I definitely don’t mind the occasional ‘comedy rant’ 😂

We talk about more or less everything. For example, conversations we've had today include:

• our collective children
• school issues
• childcare arrangements for this week and next (we provide each other with childcare)
• books we're currently reading and book recommendations
• thoughts about a journal article we read
• recommendations on further journal articles
• the news
• the weather
• being tired and the fact is STILL bleeding January
• holidays
• the dogs
• husbands (current) and stupid ex-husband
• where to buy decent leggings
• renovations
• village gossip

We've been friends for years so it's more of a family relationship these days, I feel able to say anything at all to them without judgement. We've been through periods where one or two topics have dominated (e.g., one friend's divorce) but that's life and overall we're fairly diverse in what we chat about.

Things I've covered with friends in the last week or so include:
work
weather
aging parents
which Roy is the best Roy (we decided Kinnear, but with Castle a close second)
theatre
cats
The Traitors, and why Charlotte was fab but Leanne was awful
Claudia Winkleman's hair
Elaine Paige's dancing
food
despair at politics and the state of the world
how not to kill a cactus
when is bin day

I love these conversations too. This particular friend and I could go for hours over a bottle of wine and discuss the links between A Bugs Life and the French Revolution 😄 I don’t think I could do it all the time, with every friend though. I do enjoy the saucy chats with my single friend! I love hearing about all her shenanigans. I also like the catharsis when my venty friend and I grumble about our husbands and their smelly socks. The conversations don’t always have to be positive, but I never leave them feeling negative.

Ahh, this post just made me realise how lucky I am to have such great friends!

Hmm. I have a couple of friends who complain a lot, mostly about health and work problems - things which aren't great, but which equally have been bad for years, and which they've done little to address. It becomes a rather wearing.

With them I usually suggest we do an activity - go to an exhibition or a garden, or a class, or a talk - rather than coffee or food. Basically do something where we can talk about what we're doing, or what we thought about what we saw, as a break from the endless negativity. These are people I've known 25 years and I don't want to drop the friendships, but neither do I want 2 hours of being a captive audience while they moan at me over a meal.

Would that be an option? These friends often say subsequently that they enjoyed the event, and even if it doesn't work out, it's something shared we can reminisce about at future meet ups

With friends that understand that conversation is an art that needs to be 1) two way and 2) not relentlessly negative, anything goes: current affairs, things we've done, shared hobbies, shared friends, family, pets, work plans, future plans...

By contrast, I have a friend I see maybe once a month and I always come away feeling invigorated from seeing her. Last time I saw her, we had a long conversation about how happy we are with ageing etc. it was really lovely and refreshing.

It's a fine line and not as black and white as I have made it seem.

Statistically speaking 75% of the conversations you have are about people who aren't there at the time.

So I would imagine that most do involve complaining about other people.

Families...not just each others children but parents, siblings etc

Relationships

Holidays

The past and memories

Really? According to who, and how did they count?

I'm slightly reminded of Eleanor Roosevelt's famous slam: Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. The funny thing, of course, being that she there was talking about people.