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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel let down?

27 replies

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 16:10

I don't know whether I am being unfair or not. My friend lost her husband a month ago. In the run up to his passing I was with her whenever she needed me and for whatever she needed, no questions asked. She asked me to come overseas with her - long flight circa 8-10 hours.

I am currently here and she has left me. This was not part of the plan. We had a long trip to an airport that flew direct (8 hours on total) and the plan was we would fly back together. We are staying with family but some significant costs £1200 for the flight, parking and insurance.

Another friend from her home country flew in on Fri. Within hours of arrival my friend stated that she would be returning back with her other friend to a different part of the country and I would fly home alone. They left an hour or so ago.

So my aibu is, am I being unfair to be upset and angry that I've forked out a lot of money, travelled a long way, used up over a week of annual leave to be left on my own for the last day? They went out yesterday and were meant to join me mid afternoon I heard nothing from them so basically had 2 full days out of the 10 days on my own.

I appreciate she's going through a terrible time but there has been zero acknowledgement that this is in any way a poor show of friendship. I think I'd feel better if she had at least said that she was struggling and felt bad but it's been handled as "I'm doing this" and no consideration for the fact that this was not what we had agreed.

Had I had any sense of this arising I'd never have come. I've had to move work around to be here, take a few really important calls in the early hours as they couldn't wait and lost time that I would of used for trips with my husband.

To add further complications we've got a few other trips booked which are non refundable. Again I'd agreed to them to help support her and she wanted things to look forward to.

I feel like an absolute mug and very let down. I'll be fine getting back to the airport but I feel completely unappreciated and shafted by her. I've not said anything as I know she'll dismiss me as she's said a few times that she's in her widow era. I'm struggling to have a view that this means she can be a bad friend. I feel I've been nothing but a good friend but no doubting myself as I feel so upset and angry. So aibu to feel this way and should I say anything or keep quiet and accept that grief is a reason for such poor behaviour.

To add, she's always been quite selfish cancelling people last minute and commenting when other friends have walked away saying they are bad people and unsupportive. I don't think that, I think they've had enough of being used and abused. I've seen her do shitty things to others. I naively never thought she'd do it to me and now feel very conflicted.

OP posts:
Madeinbuck · 27/01/2025 16:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

poemsandwine · 27/01/2025 16:15

YABU to think she wouldn't do it to you, although I understand you being upset. It's a harsh lesson. She has likely always been a shit friend, it was just your turn to find out.

Get yourself home and move on from her.

Amaranthasweetandfair · 27/01/2025 16:16

I don't think she's treated you very well. It sounds like new friend came and you've been sidelined, which is very unfair. It sounds like you are a very good friend OP. I don't think YABU.

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 16:17

Her husband just died so she probably isn’t thinking of anyone else but I don’t think it gives her a free pass to sideline people who have flew out to help her.

I would probably not do it anytime soon in all honesty. I hear too much of people who only want others when it suits their need.

Createausername1970 · 27/01/2025 16:23

That's awful.

Are you still staying with her family? If so, what are they saying about it?

I don't usually agree with the immediate suggestions to blocking someone, but in this instance, as soon as I got safely home I would totally block her and I wouldn't be at all ashamed to tell my friends and family what had happened to me - in fact I would be messaging some right now and saying "you will never guess what's happened...... "

Vaxtable · 27/01/2025 16:23

So now you know how she really is if you have seen her do it to others, I assume before her husband died

To those posters saying she is grieving/ lost her husband recently that is no excuse for her poor behaviour. Either she knew her fiend was coming out and pre booked going back with her, which is just awful behaviour, or she did it when her friend came out, dumping the one she was already with! ,

Either way her behaviour is bad, grieving or not.

Personally I would stop supporting her now, and take the hit on the other things booked and drop out

Fluffyholeysocks · 27/01/2025 16:28

I'd fade her out after this, if she questions why tell her you are giving her space to grieve.

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 16:33

I am staying with her family and they are entirely supportive of the new plan re her going off with other friend. It's not even been questioned. I feel really awkward.

I have always been there whatever she has needed from me because that's what you do. I've ferried her about (she drives too but often doesn't feel like it). I've been an idiot.

I would not have come had I had any sense of this. Yesterday I was told they were on their way back, 3 hours later they still hadn't arrived to meet me so I just made my way back to the house.

The trips we have were all requested by her to give her things to focus on after his passing which I understand is important. I just feel quite betrayed. That my kindness has been cast aside. To act like this is no big deal just feels incredibly dismissive of me.

I could of spent the money on other things, I could of been at home with my family and I'd not had to have worked late every night in the run up to coming away and then once we were here a few times.

I am not inconsiderate of her loss as the first person suggested. I've been there every day that she's needed me, for long stretches of time, several times a week. I'd never treat her this way.

OP posts:
Thisisthemomentforchange · 27/01/2025 16:47

Normally I would cut a grieving person a lot of slack because I know how difficult it is to think straight when you are recently bereaved.

But the behaviour you describe OP is absolutely awful. I think she must have been a very self absorbed selfish person before losing her DH to behave in the way she has to you after his death.

It sounds as though you have been a loyal and supportive friend and you didn't deserve to be treated in this manner.

I would step right back from the friendship OP.

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 16:48

And to the person who asked, yes she's always been like this. I suppose I'd just ignored things as it wasn't me. Foolish to think it wouldn't be me one day. I am not sure if it's a complete lack of awareness or just not caring about others feelings.

I don't want to have a fight or cause her distress so I think the fade is the best way. I am feeling a bit raw right now as it was so unexpected. I know had it been planned that I was coming and then another friend was taking her on the next part of a trip I'd feel entirely different. I would of known what I was signing up for. Literally 2 hours after the other friend arrived the flights were sorted and I was told they were heading off.

We have mutual friends back home and I don't want anyone else brought into it as it's between her and I (not that she's even aware that there's an issue). I can walk away quietly and decide in future if (and it's a big if) she asks what I tell her. It absolutely isn't my intention to hurt her, I know she's hurting. I think everyone else who has walked away has left it be rather than spelling out the problem to as they've not wanted to save the friendship and don't think it would do any good. Looking back there are excuses for things all the time to justify her poor behaviour towards others. I think I feel the same. I feel sad that someone who I really valued has shown me so little in return.

OP posts:
chakrakkhan · 27/01/2025 16:50

How long have you been out there with her?

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 17:02

We came for 10 days. So 2 days on my own. Today completely and one pretty much all of it bar dinner last night. I know it's not the worst thing in the world given what she's going through I'm not oblivious to her pain and sadness. But I still think this is shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
Wemaybebetterstrangers · 27/01/2025 17:03

Is there any chance that she thought you knew, and were aware of the plans? But has not really thought about it because she’s all mixed up with her personal tragedy?

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 17:13

No definitely not a miscommunication. The trip with the other friend only came about shortly after they arrived on Fri night. When we booked there was no mention of the other friend even coming at all. That isn't what has upset me - I've been completely cast aside like an old toy when the other friend arrived and I could suck that up given circumstances it's the pissing off the last 2 days without acknowledgement that's upset me.

She's not back to the UK for 3 weeks so spending a couple of weeks with the other friend which made yesterday a bit shit. They went off for a walk which they said would be a few hours. 6 hours later they came back and the only update I had was they were on their way a few hours later and they never actually showed up. So I just feel used.

She updated one friend that we were coming back separately yesterday and they've said how nice etc that she's getting to stay out here so I can't say how upset I am to them. I've had to try so hard to keep a lid on my feelings since Fri night and not cry. I know it's pathetic but I just feel shitty.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 27/01/2025 17:15

Sounds like you've gone the extra mile to support her over quite a bit of time, however you knew her usual track record and should have thought about this when you were making such a commitment. She's essentially had an offer she wants to prioritise and she is going for it. Given the time and money you've put aside for her I'd find it hard to carry on as before but I feel you've got yourself into this by ignoring warning signs and going to such extreme lengths to support her and you need to think about why you did this.

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 17:23

You are absolutely right. I have ignored the signs and honestly I don't really know why when I think about it. This has definitely given me something to reflect on. I think I've always been quite giving with my time. My husband has been very supportive but said a few times she's taking the piss. I've said she's going through a lot and made excuses as her husband was ill. We came out here last year and it was lovely. We did have a chat before we left when I said to her I knew this would be difficult given she had now lost her husband. She said she appreciated that I was aware it would be a bit different.

I didn't expect this different. I think I need to really reflect on my boundaries. I've been too soft. I have a good group of friends - pretty much all separate to this one so it's not like I've been lonely. I thought we valued each other equally. She called me her best friend repeatedly. I was perhaps just the idiot who kept coming back and never called her out.

I really do appreciate the thoughts and advice.

OP posts:
user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 17:30

Given how she's said others have let her down and she's bad mouthed them I didn't want to be spoken about like that.

My other friends have no idea what's happened and I feel embarrassed as a few times they have said similar things to my husband. I didn't feel I could abandon her given she had a sick husband and now sadly he's gone. What kind of person would I be to not support her? Although deep down I think I do know the truth, I'm not the bad guy. Neither is she. Just not what I thought and I feel disrespected.

I can still support her but with some distance and prioritise myself a bit more. I'm not cancelling plans for her again, not driving back across the city to get her, not being complicit in her fibs anymore etc. She said a few times people show you who they truly are. The irony is not lost on me.

I've not heard from her since she left but weirdly she's messaged my husband. I think she's seeking reassurance from him that I'm and not pissed off. She's asked me to update her once I'm back. I will but not messaging all day anymore. Time to recalibrate.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 27/01/2025 17:34

If another friend joined at the end and she decided to fly back to spend time with them to a different airport I would be fine with that. I would be put out for ten minutes then realise she's just also accommodating her friend as well as you

SleepingisanArt · 27/01/2025 18:05

I'm sorry OP. I know people like your friend and they believe the world revolves around them. Yes, it's terrible that her husband has died but there is no excuse to take a good friend for granted.

Can you use your travel insurance to recover the cost of the other non refundable trips you have already paid for?

Safe journey home and good luck prioritising yourself and your family over her.

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 18:13

She reminds me of a child who drops people the second somebody else comes along. She will try to pick you back up again sgen it suits so start practicing your response of no.

coxesorangepippin · 27/01/2025 18:18

Lesson learned

Don't spend mega bucks going to see people who don't make the effort themselves

She's shown you who she is

JLou08 · 27/01/2025 18:25

People usually are selfish in their grief, it's hard to consider others at such a difficult time, I'd cut her some slack.

Americano75 · 27/01/2025 18:31

She sounds horrible, you deserve better than this.

Livelovebehappy · 27/01/2025 18:32

She has treated you badly OP. Had she left you alone because she needed her own space or was feeling overwhelmed, then fair enough. But swanning off with another friend to do some fun activity presumably is very selfish, and the behaviour is nothing to do with being widowed, but just getting a better offer. I would definitely take a step back. Know your worth as a friend - you dont need to accept being treated like this.

Livelovebehappy · 27/01/2025 18:34

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Her behaviour is nothing to do with grief. She had a better offer and dropped OP. Very poor behaviour.

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