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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel let down?

27 replies

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 16:10

I don't know whether I am being unfair or not. My friend lost her husband a month ago. In the run up to his passing I was with her whenever she needed me and for whatever she needed, no questions asked. She asked me to come overseas with her - long flight circa 8-10 hours.

I am currently here and she has left me. This was not part of the plan. We had a long trip to an airport that flew direct (8 hours on total) and the plan was we would fly back together. We are staying with family but some significant costs £1200 for the flight, parking and insurance.

Another friend from her home country flew in on Fri. Within hours of arrival my friend stated that she would be returning back with her other friend to a different part of the country and I would fly home alone. They left an hour or so ago.

So my aibu is, am I being unfair to be upset and angry that I've forked out a lot of money, travelled a long way, used up over a week of annual leave to be left on my own for the last day? They went out yesterday and were meant to join me mid afternoon I heard nothing from them so basically had 2 full days out of the 10 days on my own.

I appreciate she's going through a terrible time but there has been zero acknowledgement that this is in any way a poor show of friendship. I think I'd feel better if she had at least said that she was struggling and felt bad but it's been handled as "I'm doing this" and no consideration for the fact that this was not what we had agreed.

Had I had any sense of this arising I'd never have come. I've had to move work around to be here, take a few really important calls in the early hours as they couldn't wait and lost time that I would of used for trips with my husband.

To add further complications we've got a few other trips booked which are non refundable. Again I'd agreed to them to help support her and she wanted things to look forward to.

I feel like an absolute mug and very let down. I'll be fine getting back to the airport but I feel completely unappreciated and shafted by her. I've not said anything as I know she'll dismiss me as she's said a few times that she's in her widow era. I'm struggling to have a view that this means she can be a bad friend. I feel I've been nothing but a good friend but no doubting myself as I feel so upset and angry. So aibu to feel this way and should I say anything or keep quiet and accept that grief is a reason for such poor behaviour.

To add, she's always been quite selfish cancelling people last minute and commenting when other friends have walked away saying they are bad people and unsupportive. I don't think that, I think they've had enough of being used and abused. I've seen her do shitty things to others. I naively never thought she'd do it to me and now feel very conflicted.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 27/01/2025 18:36

WOW! Grieving or not she’s a selfish bitch.

user1471553275 · 27/01/2025 19:05

Thank you all for the replies. I suppose I've been trying to square with myself if I'm being unreasonable given what she's going through. My husband and mum are of the same view that this is a step further but I also know that they would be supportive as they're my family. I know I was looking for validation that I wasn't being an arsehole and that I have the right to feel aggrieved with her. The responses have confirmed that. I'm not out to be nasty to her. Its not who I am nor would it make this better. It would only cause unnecessary hurt.

I'm also not unaware that those of you who have said effectively suck it up it's not a big deal are coming from a fair position either. There are many worse things. It's just wholly inconsiderate and shitty. I think I deserved better.

I'm going to look into whether I can cancel the other trips at a small loss as I don't know if I can keep up a pretence until they're all done (July is the last trip).

I half expect her to pull out of the trips anyway if she senses things are awkward between us. Put it this way it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. If she doesn't want to do something she won't. I'm kinda annoyed with myself deep down too for putting up with her childish behaviour. Grief or not she's not been as good a friend to me as I have been to her and it's now glaring me in the face.

OP posts:
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