Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why DD won’t go to her dads

40 replies

Holibo · 27/01/2025 14:40

my 7 year old DD stays at her dads once a week, she said she didn’t want to go yesterday but I convinced her, her dad is asking why she doesn’t want to stay and I said you’re asking the wrong person that question. What do I do?

he thinks I am saying things to her but I am not, I like the one night break, why would I do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 15:46

Anybody?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2025 15:47

Have you asked her?

Electricfeels · 27/01/2025 15:47

I know you said you convinced her to go last time, but have you asked her why she doesn’t want to go?

WildNorthEast · 27/01/2025 15:48

Why doesn't she want to go?

littlemissprosseco · 27/01/2025 15:50

You have to ask her!
she may just not like the change of routine, being separated from you…… It could be anything, you have to ask her. Does she think he’s too strict? Not give her nice food? She’s seven, make a joke out of it and you’ll probably break through

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 15:54

she said she had a pit noodle for tea last time, which is fine I don’t mind as I cook for her every other day. She just says she doesn’t want to stay? What is bothering me the most is my ex saying I am saying things to her but I am not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 15:54

She did say daddy was shouting a lot, but he doesn’t shout generally, he is quite laid back

OP posts:
littlemissprosseco · 27/01/2025 16:03

Maybe he finds it stressful when she’s there and raises his voice to her, or maybe she plays him up? Or maybe she thinks he raises his voice? You need to talk to them both by the sound of it!

BlondeMamaToBe · 27/01/2025 16:05

She probably doesn’t have a decent meal or the same home comforts at her dads if her answer is that she had a pot noodle last time.

SummerInSun · 27/01/2025 16:10

I don't think it's fair for her to have to explain to him why she doesn't want to stay. She is 7, not 15. You need to chat calmly to her about it.

As for your ex, unless he is a deadbeat, it's upsetting for him that she doesn't want to stay with him, especially if he only sees her once a week anyway. Not surprising he is looking for explanations that would make himself feel better, eg that you are talking him down. You need to reassure him that isn't the case.

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 16:14

SummerInSun · 27/01/2025 16:10

I don't think it's fair for her to have to explain to him why she doesn't want to stay. She is 7, not 15. You need to chat calmly to her about it.

As for your ex, unless he is a deadbeat, it's upsetting for him that she doesn't want to stay with him, especially if he only sees her once a week anyway. Not surprising he is looking for explanations that would make himself feel better, eg that you are talking him down. You need to reassure him that isn't the case.

I have reassured him, why would I do that I would only be punishing myself. He doesn’t have a microwave, they sleep on air beds, no washing machine etc he brings all the clothes back for me to wash.

OP posts:
NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 27/01/2025 16:15

I'm thinking that the Pot Noodle thing is an excuse. She knows that you feed her healthy meals & is thinking that you would be outraged at only a Pot Noodle. As other posters say you need to talk to her to find out what the problem is. You mention shouting - is that directed at her or is it your ex having problems with his current partner?

You don't say how friendly you are with your ex. The ideal would be that you could phone ex & discuss the issues - but, in my experience that's not usually possible.

I was a widowed single parent so never had these issues. But, like you, I would have loved it if my DS was taken off my hands for a while.

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 27/01/2025 16:22

Holibo · 27/01/2025 16:14

I have reassured him, why would I do that I would only be punishing myself. He doesn’t have a microwave, they sleep on air beds, no washing machine etc he brings all the clothes back for me to wash.

Show quote history

You are doing the right thing in supporting contact visits between ex & DD by dong washing etc, However he doesn't even have a microwave? They cost about £20 FFS! My suspicion is that he's deliberately living in a very modest way & telling your DD that it's all your fault. She's only 7 an airbed is fine as long as you frame it in the right way eg: we camping at daddy's house ATM until he can get somewhere better.

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 16:26

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 27/01/2025 16:22

You are doing the right thing in supporting contact visits between ex & DD by dong washing etc, However he doesn't even have a microwave? They cost about £20 FFS! My suspicion is that he's deliberately living in a very modest way & telling your DD that it's all your fault. She's only 7 an airbed is fine as long as you frame it in the right way eg: we camping at daddy's house ATM until he can get somewhere better.

Show quote history

I do tell them it’s like camping

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/01/2025 16:26

If she’s sleeping on an air bed then I’m not surprised she wants to come home and not stay over.

takealettermsjones · 27/01/2025 16:26

Sorry to be blunt but it seems fairly obvious why she doesn't want to go. Pot noodles, an airbed and a shouty parent.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/01/2025 16:26

Sounds like she's growing up and realising her dad is a bit of a loser.
He sleeps on airbeds and doesn't have a microwave.... how laid back is he? Do you mean so laid back he doesn't care about creating a comforting home for his daughter to enjoy her stay?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/01/2025 16:28

Is it just your DD or are there other siblings and how long have they been putting up with these visits?

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 16:30

I have a 4 year old too and he seems quite happy to go. He has recently introduced another woman which is fine but surely one night a week with the kids is not too much to ask.

we split because he was lazy and selfish.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 27/01/2025 16:31

Instead of saying "tell me why you don't want to go", try asking better questions.

What can I do to help make it more fun at daddy's?

What can we do to make your bed nicer to sleep in?

Would you like me to send you a packed dinner to take?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/01/2025 16:36

She's clocked him op, she knows he's crap and she doesn't enjoy him or his house, this is what happens when children grow up, they notice things that little children don't care about.

He needs to make the effort here to understand his own DD and make some changes but he won't because he's lazy and selfish like you said and would rather blame others than grow up.

Notgivenuphope · 27/01/2025 16:39

The set up sounds awful. No proper bed, let alone room, crap food and no washing facilities?
You need to sit her down when she is calm and get her to articulate this using her words. Then let ex know. I wouldn't stay somewhere in those conditions, why should a child?

givemushypeasachance · 27/01/2025 16:42

Is this some sort of reverse thread type thing, with the faux naivete and then drip feeding that the other parent was "shouting a lot", feeds children a pot noodle for dinner, they don't have proper beds, no kitchen facilities, no clothes cleaning facilities (how does he feed himself and wash his own clothes?).

outerspacepotato · 27/01/2025 16:44

She likely doesn't like the conditions there and is uncomfortable and hungry.

Air bed and cheap ramen, WTF. That's like living after a natural disaster and she has to do it once a week. No wonder she doesn't want to go. Add in him shouting (and who is he shouting at?) and a new woman ( really, what woman would be ok with this kind of setup?) and it's physically and emotionally uncomfortable at best.

I'd send her with something for dinner for her and sibling only that doesn't have to be heated. Maybe some sandwiches. But they aren't for ex.

Brainstorm23 · 27/01/2025 16:52

I'm a dad of a 7 year old and yes my house isn't as nice as her mum's house but I do my best. But your ex is taking it to another level of crapness with no cooking facilities or proper beds which is an absolute joke.

I would see if it's a case of "didn't want to go on that particular night" vs "doesn't want to go at all as dad's house is shit".