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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why DD won’t go to her dads

40 replies

Holibo · 27/01/2025 14:40

my 7 year old DD stays at her dads once a week, she said she didn’t want to go yesterday but I convinced her, her dad is asking why she doesn’t want to stay and I said you’re asking the wrong person that question. What do I do?

he thinks I am saying things to her but I am not, I like the one night break, why would I do that?

OP posts:
TENSsion · 27/01/2025 16:54

outerspacepotato · 27/01/2025 16:44

She likely doesn't like the conditions there and is uncomfortable and hungry.

Air bed and cheap ramen, WTF. That's like living after a natural disaster and she has to do it once a week. No wonder she doesn't want to go. Add in him shouting (and who is he shouting at?) and a new woman ( really, what woman would be ok with this kind of setup?) and it's physically and emotionally uncomfortable at best.

I'd send her with something for dinner for her and sibling only that doesn't have to be heated. Maybe some sandwiches. But they aren't for ex.

Yep. It sounds absolutely miserable.
The fact that he’s making his children sleep in these conditions but blaming her reluctance to come on you speaks volumes.
He needs to get his arse in gear.

I guess you now have to decide whether you want him to sort his own life out and be responsible for the one night a week he has them, or you want your kids to have a relationship with their dad and are willing to swallow the resentment and provide them with what they need to have a nice time.

It’s a tough one.

Bestwishes23 · 27/01/2025 17:00

Brainstorm23 · 27/01/2025 16:52

I'm a dad of a 7 year old and yes my house isn't as nice as her mum's house but I do my best. But your ex is taking it to another level of crapness with no cooking facilities or proper beds which is an absolute joke.

I would see if it's a case of "didn't want to go on that particular night" vs "doesn't want to go at all as dad's house is shit".

Absolutely this.

OP, he's not even doing the bare minimum, he's doing eff all. No wonder she doesn't want to stay. He needs to be providing more even if their visits are just once a week.

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 17:08

givemushypeasachance · 27/01/2025 16:42

Is this some sort of reverse thread type thing, with the faux naivete and then drip feeding that the other parent was "shouting a lot", feeds children a pot noodle for dinner, they don't have proper beds, no kitchen facilities, no clothes cleaning facilities (how does he feed himself and wash his own clothes?).

His sister does his washing for him weekly

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 17:11

He did say it was a temporary thing until he buys somewhere. He said not once have I needed a microwave so why would I get one now?

OP posts:
ERthree · 27/01/2025 17:13

So she was happy to go to her Dads but now a new woman has been introduced she doesn't want to go ! Add 2 and 2 together. Have you ever thought your child may not like the new woman ?

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 17:16

ERthree · 27/01/2025 17:13

So she was happy to go to her Dads but now a new woman has been introduced she doesn't want to go ! Add 2 and 2 together. Have you ever thought your child may not like the new woman ?

of course I have thought that and I have tried telling ex that maybe dont be with her as he barely sees them as it is and its not quality time. He just thinks ive got an issue with her though.

OP posts:
Marilyn17 · 27/01/2025 17:19

Air beds, rubbish food, a shouty dad and a new woman on the scene to get used to, I think you have your answer OP!

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 27/01/2025 17:22

Why doesn't he have proper beds for them OP? He'll need beds whether he buys a house, rents or lives in a shed, and you can pick up second hand beds for nothing in many instances. Is the arrangement over the children court ordered, as if not, I'd be inclined to tell him that unless he steps up and provides proper beds, and proper meals, they won't be coming at all. I know that his would lose you your night off, but this really isn't fair on your little ones OP.

Anonymous2003 · 27/01/2025 17:28

Would you want to stay at a hotel once a week where you have to sleep on an airbed and only have a pot noodle for dinner? I certainly wouldn't.
That's a lazy cop-out dinner with zero nutrients that wouldn't even begin to fill a 7 year old.
Maybe he could take her out on the weekend instead of a sleepover until he can prove that his house is fit for children.

purplehue · 27/01/2025 17:58

Is the new woman nice to your daughter?

Maybe she hasn't said anything bad to your daughter but kids pick up on body language.

Original poster
Holibo · 27/01/2025 18:07

purplehue · 27/01/2025 17:58

Is the new woman nice to your daughter?

Maybe she hasn't said anything bad to your daughter but kids pick up on body language.

To be fair she told me that she was really nice.

OP posts:
purplehue · 27/01/2025 18:16

That's good to hear.

Twaddlepip · 27/01/2025 18:26

I don’t really blame her for not going. He sounds like a fucking car crash.

unmemorableusername · 27/01/2025 20:18

It's neglect they shouldn't be going there.

If you were raising them like this you'd have them removed from your care and put with foster carers.

Absolute essential for a parenting assessment:
A bed for each child with clean covers
Clean clothes for each child
Cooking facilities and decent meals
A reasonably clean house with adequate furniture & facilities.

If this goes to court you will be judged for sending them there.

Littleblackcatsmum · 27/01/2025 20:21

She was probably hungry- potnoodle is a snack. Sounds like a day trip would be better.

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