Dd13 screaming and shouting

[Bagladygirl]

And I just know how to deal with it

aibu to confiscate phone and be tough m

or do I just levee it let her scream and shout and it will blow over

I'm sorry but this is just a totally bizarre concept to me...I have a DD the same age and there's no talk of boyfriends yet, let alone, all this drama around such things. She is clearly nowhere near emotionally ready for a relationship. She's too young to cope with it obviously.

This. No need to put up with all that. 👍

im a single parent too with another child who had to get less attention at times so the mum guilt was peak!
my daughter wouldn’t go to therapy either, I had to respect that and accept that we can just do what we can do and no more, as mums we desperately try and save our kids from all harm (as we should) but reality is that they are their own people with influences bigger than us 😕
look after yourself OP on a big scale and talk to her about it, ‘I was feeling really tired today so took a nap / some time out’ ‘I felt pretty stressed about a letter I got this morning so I took some time to put into perspective and now I feel a lot calmer about ir’ etc etc
I can hear the teen eye roll from here 😂 but it does go in. My daughter is far more open with me now, she presents as so mature and I’ve always tried to prioritise openness and kindness in our home it floored me tbh that she didn’t have the skills to communicate her feelings, we’re learning together all the time hey, mum doesn’t have all the answers but she will try and find them! X

This translates to..
I would punish her for her feelings and if she didn’t stop after 2 weeks I would get a third party involved to sort it out
good luck with that adult relationship, this approach is toxic as shit

We have two +18 children at uni. We have a great relationship.

We have one going into secondary so teenagers years coming up again.

I expect my non sen teenagers to behave themselves. They aren't toddlers.
Not act as spoilt brats and snowflakes kids. I won't fuel it. I must admit I quite often is amazed what parents on MN accept.

She sounds too young to have boyfriends if this is how she responds to a break up.

How do you know for sure? Why didn't she want to meet him?

Every now and again I meet an adult who still behaves like a child when life gets tough or they don’t get their own way and then I read MN and read some peoples view on parenting.

A teenager is perfectly entitled to feel hurt, angry, frustrated etc but they are not toddlers and so shouldn’t be behaving like one.
Every of us gets angry but most of us don’t lash out. We may even have to bite our tongues in some situations so we don’t say something we regret.

Having said that this particular OP child has ADHD and a history of self harm so I can see why they want to thread lightly with their teen.

No, it's punishing her for her actions.

Being upset over a boy doesn't give you the right to scream in your mother's face. I'd have got a slap for that, not a conversation about "big feelings".

The ADHD and selfharm was drip feed. I did write non sen child.

Yes we all remember how hard it is as a love struck teen. But I didn’t go round shouting and screaming at my family. My parents wouldn’t have tolerated it. I never spoke to them at all about boys

She is so very young and blindly navigating new emotions and feelings. I see that you allowed her time and space to settle and regulate. It may be that while she’s struggling to regulate she literally cannot cope with any other interaction no matter how supportive.
I agree with those who’ve basically said let her scream it out without intervention, as long as it’s safe to do so, and then talk later and be kind. It sounds like that’s what you’ve done OP and I’m glad you didn’t jump straight to punishment.
There will be enough battles through the teenage years but remember she is still a child and will always need to know she is loved.
I was a fairly strict parent in many ways (kids said would never have touched drugs because they were scared of my reaction 😂) and my tolerance levels were often stretched so I know it’s not easy. Boundaries are important but so is nurture.

Come on, Flip. Shouting is not an expression of feelings. It’s not too late to calmly distill this wisdom.

Another thought and this might be ridiculous but how old is the ‘boyfriend’? Has she been coerced to be more intimate than she was comfortable with? Any personal pics shared? Has he bragged/shown pics to mates etc?
I hope not but this unfortunately does happen and could definitely lead to screaming or shutdown. I know she is a child and I don’t want to be alarmist.

Being upset, crying, feeling angry are all normal and healthy when you are hurt.
Screaming, swearing and being abusive is not. She is 13, way too young to be this invested in boys and way too old to be hollering like a toddler.
She will go through many break ups and friendship issues before finding the one, and she cannot behave like this each time. What if it happens when she is in her 20s and in paid employment? Can she have a complete floor show in the middle of her office? Ermmmmm no.
Talk to her when she is calm, and let her know you will always be there for her, but lay out some behaviour expectations.

He is 15 she is nearly 14
it definately isn't like that she is so far from that alsi she tends to need to talk about things like that so when she has done something she will talk it out with me

This stuff is like the end of the world at that age. The screaming and shouting is nerve shredding no doubt, but I do have sympathy for her. And you OP for having to listen to it. But it’s not ok for her to make everyone else miserable. When she’s calmer could you talk to her about other outlets to deal with it? Exercise? Writing it down? Any kind of distraction?

If this behaviour from her becoming frequent could it be linked to her period? Is it worse right around that time, maybe PMT has a part to play? Not excusing it but maybe prevention is the way forward, so if you find something to help so ur stops before she starts up.

Yes she is on her period too and both she and I notice a link. She gets very low we have been given the pill from doctor as it's long and heavy and she becomes so self conscious about her body and looks at this time

Punishment has no place in bringing up children. Punishment is all about control and making the parent feel good about themselves and as though they did something worthwhile. It does not being up emotionally healthy children.

Discipline should be used with children as that is about teaching them how to behave appropriately.

You parent your way, I'll parent my way.

Call it punishments, consequences, I don't really care. If a child of mine was screaming in my face then she would be punished. Funny how people have been punishing kids for centuries, but all of a sudden this new generation must be gentle patented and have deep meaning conversations about how sad they made you. They are not better off for it and that's becoming increasingly obvious.

Oh dear. You are welcome to your toxic parenting.

I’d be concerned about a 13yr old ND, likely to be immature for age, poor mental health, low self esteem teenager being in a relationship with an older boy full stop.

To the PP who said she’d have had a slap for that behaviour; how is your relationship with your dm?
My mum pasted all of us up until we left home. As kids we used to talk about our hopes of her dying but Dad being alright. I can’t remember ever loving my mum, or feeling loved by her. In fact I hated her and was nc the last few years. I should have done that sooner.

I did wonder, it’s rough having PMT anyway but when you’re newly a teenager, your body is changing in a way that bothers you AND you’ve just been dumped- just ugh.

My eldest is nearly an adult now but kicked off plenty at this age and you do have to find your own way to deal with it. It doesn’t mean I put up with anything that’s chucked at me, I have those conversations about unacceptable behaviour after everyone has calmed down. It’s paid off imo as my daughter and I are really close and she can and does feel able to talk to me about loads of stuff going on in her life. I’m glad I didn’t waste loads of time turning the house into a battleground. Just got to get the next one (a boy) through the shower of shit that is the teenage years now 😬

Yeah I don't think kids should have to live in fear of getting hit