Dd13 screaming and shouting

[Bagladygirl]

And I just know how to deal with it

aibu to confiscate phone and be tough m

or do I just levee it let her scream and shout and it will blow over

So I think you need to tell her that if she won't let you help her calm down then she can't be around you when she's being abusive - because screaming and swearing at you is abusive. She will need to stay in her room until she's calmer or if she refuses to do that you walk away from her and totally ignore her (really hard I know). Explain that you love her and want to help but you won't be abused.

As for the mood this morning, maybe leave a little note in her room for when she gets home saying you are sorry this boy has upset her, and you are happy to listen if she wants to talk.

I wouldn't tolerate a 13 year old screaming, swearing and shouting at me.

I'd take the phone away indefinitely. She's clearly not mature enough to have one.

Yeah that's a good idea
she was in her room and when I entered to say goodnight she was in hysterics and screaming at me to get out and swearing so I immediately got worried as didn't realise what it was about at first
I then felt I couldn't leave her in a distressed state (she has cut herself in the past ok 2 occasions) and because I didn't leave this escalated even more

She was then angry as I wouldn't let her sleep with her door closed as I was worried about her doing something silly

she has ADHD

That’s really tough, you’re clearly her safe space hey. Make sure you’re looking after yourself too and get some support xx

Of course she won’t talk to you, because you’ve proven yourself to be completely unapproachable. You haven’t handled this well at all.

This is well within the range of normal adolescent behaviour. The aim is to get the child to find a way out of the situation - they need to get control of their emotions. You can’t do it for them. I think if you’re massively upset about a boy, wound up enough to shout and then your parents confiscate your phone, life feels quite unfair.

Simple - don’t shout please, then walk away, and talk to her when she has calmed down.

Another thought, is there any chance she would journal? X

thats Why when I worked out why she was suddenly like that I did not take the phone
initially I didn't know

Did she get mental health help after she cut herself in the past? Did you? Did you get help after her diagnosis to know how to support a teenager who will very likely struggle with emotions as she has ADHD?

Treat them like tantrums and leave her to it. When she’s calmer, then you can have a chat and talk through it. The car or even a walk is great for this, it’s not face to face and therefore less confrontational, I suggest usually a drive to a drive-thru which usually gets her in the car and then we talk things through.
If she is cutting herself as a response to emotions, then seek help as she needs to learn different strategies and that needs professional help.

Yes

She hasn't done it for over a year but I do worry as she has ADHD and her feelings can be extreme at times.
I just feel at a loss as to how to support her with this now. It feels every day like everything is up and down and dependant on friends boys etc

Teen girls and more likely to just cry over being dumped, not react as your daughter has. I'd be concerned that this boy has shared photos of her or talked about her behind her back to his friends. Or there's people sending her nasty messages. Remove her phone. You could just change th WiFi password but she'll probably use the data on her phone.

Does she do any extracurricular activities? To reduce her dependency on her friends and boys.

I wouldn't punish her for emotions especially given she's nd.

Try t teach/role model healthy ways to express emotions but be patient she's a ball of hormones.

Discipline her for lying, being very rude, not doing things when asked, late home for curfew etc.

I found phone loss very effective at that age a trick I learnt was to keep the loss time quite small. You go in too big and there's no incentive for her to behave. Also while phone can cause problems it can also help regulate.

I use to do the rest of the day so say behaviour deteriorated at 6pm , I would always warn first - continue this behaviour and you will lose your phone. If she continued she would get the phone back the following morning (as we took it off her at night anyway,)

My dd also has adhd. I never punished meltdowns/overwhelm. I tolerated moodiness, miner snapping/grunting, messy room . You have to pick your battles otherwise it's all negative and that's not good for your relationship.

Dd is 23 now and completely awesome.

He really hasn't and neither has she shared any pictures
they had been arguing over the last day as she didn't want to meet him. Dd is so cautious over things

yes she does

That’s teenagers and 13 is peak girl friendship upset time and where as they used to escape it at home, now it continues with social media/what’s app etc. I have spoken to DD about phone use, and we’ve found TV series to watch together and the phones hers and mine are generally forgotten about. She often opens up about friendship issues then as well.
It is worth contacting pastoral at her school. They may have some suggestions and also you may find there are local support groups/courses where you can meet other parents. There needs to be more support for parents of teenagers, you get or can access lots when your DC are babies, but there almost seems to be a stigma about accessing support when they’re teenagers, when actually it’s harder as you can’t just sling them under your arm and carry them to the car screaming!

Good way would be help her find another way to express her feelings and to deal with them.

Cant help but think about yesterdays thread about a child being told to stop crying in nursery. Not saying thats what you used to say that to your daughter when she was little but this is exactlly what can happen ten years later.

This is why I'm glad my mother banned boyfriends or girlfriends until university.

A 13 year old should be having fun with her friends and concentrating on schoolwork,not going through relationship trauma.

Oh man, my daughter went through a phase of cutting herself and it’s terrifying isn’t it 😔
I tried to pass on to her the things I had learnt in hard times such as when to notice I needed more self care and what that looked like (we each made a poster what works for us)
i talk about how we should accept our feels but know that feelings always change and pass so this feeling won’t be forever, it’s important to have hope.
i asked her to journal and she could either share the writing with me or not and i would never read her journal uninvited.
we did mediations
i gave her a mechanism to raise the flag when she was struggling but couldn’t find the words, I pointed out this flag should be raised early when she’s starting to feel ‘wobbly’ if she can. For us it was to hand her Teddy to me that she had since a baby.
i encouraged her that she can always be honest about making mistakes as we all make them

the other big thing for me which I took from therapy was to separate her feelings from my own, I always felt like I had to carry her feelings and worries constantly or I might miss something or wouldn’t care as much but this was playing out as hyper-vigilance and burn out for me. It’s something I’m still working on but I realised that if I didn’t get any my needs met in terms of self care then I would not only be of little use to her but also I was modelling an unhealthy way of living.

this is tough, you’ll both get through it one way or another.

maybe reach out to the young minds charity for some help and advise? X

No I never said that but she did used to get upset when she would cry and her dad would say stop being silly and she did used to try and mask a lot with him after that which I know is not healthy

Well I see this a lot on mumsnet about boyfriends being banned etc. however I know my dd and she would find a way so I'd rather I know about it and can help guide her
it's not a serious relationship they see each other at school and message each other but to her that is really big.

Sounds like you know her very well ❤️

Thank you it is scary, I worry so much she will harm herself for momentarily feelings.
I hear ya on the burnout I feel the same I'm a single mum and I feel hyper vigilant too but I also know that's not good for us and she needs space to be herself and resolve things herself but it's easier said than done.
mum going to try talking about a journal again I can just see the eye roll now lol
I set up counselling for her but she didn't want to keep going in the end. She does have a youth worker at school though