Could your family move past this?

[Reu]

BIL slapped the back of my sister’s hand because she was changing songs by touching the car’s centre screen. He slapped it without saying a word and then explained it was impacting his field of view. They were not fighting.

How would your family respond to such an incident?

I witnessed the behaviour. Upsettingly, I am extremely avoidant when it comes to confrontation. I genuinely freeze up and I am sure it stems from my childhood. When I witnessed the slap I said nothing. I am appalled at myself.

I want to tell BIL he is no longer welcome in my life or home. But I know my sister would be the one to suffer the most by doing that. So once again I am forced to be exposed to unacceptable behaviour. Just as I was in my childhood. As a family we are
playing nice despite the awful behaviour we witness. It feels so unnatural.

i am curious what a normal family would do. Im happy no one in your family feels compelled to intervene in your relationship with your husband. Sadly that is not the case with my family and sister.

He’s dangerous, I think you and your family are all aware of it, your sister needs to take off her rose tinted glasses.
I have to say though if my bil did that to my sister in front of me, I would be dragging the pos out of the car when we got to our destination. There is absolutely no way I could stand by and say or do nothing, you look after your siblings not sit on the sidelines.

I agree that I should have said something. But I grew up with a violent and volatile dad who also had angry outbursts. Because of that I learnt to ignore and pretend everything was ok as a defence mechanism. It’s still something I carry with me to this day.

I apologise for my first response OP, as you didn't really explain yourself very well, and I got the impression it was just a quick tap. However, now you've explained things more clearly, it does sound like he's very controlling. Sadly I am in a similar position with my DD, although I don't think in her case that he is physically violent, however, he has done his best to isolate her from friends, family and even her own children. When we realised what was going on, we spoke to her about it, but like your DS, she had an excuse for everything he was doing, and she still can't see 10 years later what he's done to her. We therefore decided that however difficult he made things between us and our DD, we would never go NC with her, as by doing so we would be cutting off her escape route if she ever decides she needs it, hence we kill him with kindness, so that he can never use us being rude or nasty as an excuse for her not to have contact with us. I therefore think that all you can do is be there for your sister, BUT if you EVER see him be physical with her again, you simply must challenge it, and show him, AND her, that it is NOT acceptable.

Don't be hard on yourself. The freeze response is an automatic nervous system response to perceived threat or danger, and not surprising given your childhood history.

Your sister might also be experiencing the same freeze response.
If she's being regularly exposed to his violent outbursts she will most likely be in a permanent state of freeze.

To answer your question , I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like bil, but as he's involved with dsis I would want to keep an eye on him. Keeping enemies close.

I freeze too, it’s not something I can control. Similar reasons. You can talk to her later: not your fault you can’t react in the moment.

A non event. The driver is entitled to get annoyed if a passenger starts pressing things in the dashboard.

Or you could read the full thread before commenting.

@Reu how are you feeling about it today? You must be worried.

you were right not to say anything whilst he was driving you dont know what he would o you need to talk to your sister privately and show her this isnt normal

Are children involved either with you or her?

it is so difficult because at what point does protecting and making sure you don’t alienate your sister start to have an impact on you mentally

Very kind of you to ask. I have a pit in my stomach. Which is not unusual as I do have an anxiety disorder. But it’s worse than what I have become accustomed to.

I spoke to a friend which was very helpful. We managed to work out that witnessing the abuse is traumatising for me also. Not only do I see my sister getting mistreated but it takes me right back to the worst moments of my life. The injection of rage into the atmosphere, the not knowing where to look, the embarrassment, shame for not standing up and being on eggshells after the event. Such a familiar cycle.

As siblings we always verbalised how we looked forward to normalcy when it was our turn to pick partners/have families.

No children yet but they are not far off at all. They recently visited a fertility clinic just to make sure everything was normal.

We are late 20s, early 30s.

Oh no she's planning children with him! This isn't good. I'm so sorry, and yes it stirs up your own trauma too.
Have you had any therapy? It helps, it really does (I know everyone's not a fan of therapy).

I think I'd try to gently talk to your sister. Tell her how it made you feel also. Would she be open to talking to you?