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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could your family move past this?

64 replies

Reu · 26/01/2025 22:31

BIL slapped the back of my sister’s hand because she was changing songs by touching the car’s centre screen. He slapped it without saying a word and then explained it was impacting his field of view. They were not fighting.

How would your family respond to such an incident?

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/01/2025 22:57

Let your sister know that you'll always be there for her and if she needs support, emotionally or physically, then you are there for her.

If she leaves him or tells you she wants to, let her stay with you. Don't turn her away. Then help her rebuild her life.

Endofyear · 26/01/2025 23:03

Can you speak to your sister alone and express your concern? I wouldn't stop interaction with him as this will just make it easier for him to isolate your sister from her family and friends.

Original poster
Reu · 26/01/2025 23:09

We had a horrible childhood with a lot of dysfunction and physical violence on occasion. We saw my dad hit my mum. Could never rely on parents for anything.

BIL is organised, sensible and financially stable. All the things my parents were not. He offered my sister a chance to escape the dysfunction. That is how she got suckered in.

😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Reu · 26/01/2025 23:10

Endofyear · 26/01/2025 23:03

Can you speak to your sister alone and express your concern? I wouldn't stop interaction with him as this will just make it easier for him to isolate your sister from her family and friends.

I will speak to her. Just to register the fact that it was witnessed. And we are all appalled

OP posts:
Huwipulotu · 26/01/2025 23:23

He’s an evil Controlling prick and you need to help your sister get away form him. He will get worse.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/01/2025 23:25

Reu · 26/01/2025 23:09

We had a horrible childhood with a lot of dysfunction and physical violence on occasion. We saw my dad hit my mum. Could never rely on parents for anything.

BIL is organised, sensible and financially stable. All the things my parents were not. He offered my sister a chance to escape the dysfunction. That is how she got suckered in.

😢

Children who witness DV are more likely to be abused or become an abuser in their adult lives. In your sister's case, DV has been normalised for her. It'll make it even harder for her to realise she's in an abusive marriage and that this isn't normal.

Same thing happened to me. My first husband was terribly violent towards me and I thought it was normal because I got beat by my parents and siblings as a child. Took me years to have enough and leave him.

Franjipanl8r · 26/01/2025 23:26

Reu · 26/01/2025 23:10

I will speak to her. Just to register the fact that it was witnessed. And we are all appalled

Show quote history

That sounds very sensible.

AelinAG · 26/01/2025 23:30

To play devils advocate, if someone was faffing with the console and blocking my view, and I’d maybe not seen a car coming and got a shock or whatever I could see myself slapping a hand away or shouting.

But the actual specific incident doesn’t matter. It seems like there’s a lot of back story and a lot going on, so it’s the whole picture you should be acting on not trying to pick a single incident. And it does sound like there’s a problem.

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 26/01/2025 23:32

Depends what your sister thought.

My husband and I would probably whack eachothers hands out the way if we were messing with eachothers cars and it annoyed us.

You could say you thought it was a bit vicious and ask her more about it.

poemsandwine · 26/01/2025 23:33

Teenagerantruns · 26/01/2025 22:37

Why are the whole family involved? It's up to your sister to decide what to do

Agree.

RawBloomers · 26/01/2025 23:37

A slap in those circumstances without the the anger I don't think would register. But the anger would paint him in a very bad light in my family with or without the slap. Moving past it would probably depend on how typical it was.

JohnofWessex · 26/01/2025 23:37

I had an ex who was an appalling passenger.

Its very much the mirror image of your situation but despite holding a driving licence she had no idea how to 'behave' in the car as a passenger, shouting at me, having rows, back seat driving etc.

I think that I should have said long ago that either she shut up in the car or don't travel with me.

RawBloomers · 26/01/2025 23:42

Posted too soon.

In your case it sounds like you think your sister may be in an abusive relationship - talking to her privately is the first step.

If your sister is in an abusive relationship she needs you to keep interacting with BiL and otherwise being there for her as the very worst thing for her would be to be isolated from those who do love her.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 26/01/2025 23:45

It’s horrible for you to witness this and feel so powerless and angry on your sister’s behalf, but until she can really see and acknowledge his behaviour for what it is, and is ready to take steps to get away from him, then you can’t really confront him or cut him off. All that will do is lead to him isolating and punishing her even more, and exacerbate whatever toxic dynamic goes on behind closed doors.

As you’ve said, the best idea is to talk to her alone and let her know you’re unconditionally there for her, if and when she needs you. But be prepared for her to get defensive or push away any notion of abuse. She’ll have become acclimatised to his behaviour like the proverbial boiled frog and will have normalised it in her own mind and become an expert at excusing, minimising and explaining it away - truly seeing it for what it is can be incredibly painful because one of the overwhelming emotions once the scales drop away is often shame.

Coming from the kind of background you describe may make it even harder for her to identify and understand her situation. But at least you’ve got her back and can keep a watching eye on her, difficult as it is to stand by when he’s pulling this kind of shit in front of you.

Original poster
Reu · 26/01/2025 23:47

It wasn’t a flicking away of a hand. It was a straight on slap. It made an actual slapping noise. Not a quiet one at that. It wasn’t playful. It wasn’t a tap. An actual slap. It reminded me of what parents used to do to their kids. Take the hand and slap it.

To me there is no justification to get physical. However annoyed you are.

The family is involved as we are scared for my sister. We are all playing nice. We told sister we were concerned and she had an answer for everything just prior to the wedding.

We resolved to make sure we were always there for my sister. And to not push her away.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 26/01/2025 23:53

On your initial post I would have thought nothing of it, but since you have since clarified it was more than just hitting her hand out of the way yanbu. However if your sister won’t see reason you just have to wait, watch and be there unfortunately. Heartbreaking.

Duckingella · 26/01/2025 23:57

Sadly children of abusive men are more likely to end up in an abusive relationship themselves.

Many women will also stay in abusive relationships where coercion is involved as the man holds all the cards financially.

Then there's the self esteem and self confidence wearing as well;your sister might not have taken shit before but abuse changes a person and turns them into a shadow of their former selves.

Your BIL has been so aggressive about his disgraceful behaviour as he let the mask slip and showed his real self to you.Abusers thrive on portraying themselves as a good husband and father which makes it difficult for their victims to leave them as people often very sadly doubt the victims because "he's such a nice man" etc

The best course of action is to gently support your sister and help her to access domestic abuse services if she wants to,let her know she can tell you each time something happens so she has a safe person to vent to;trying to push her too hard to leave can make her pull away;hopefully knowing she has support can help her to feel like she can start taking steps to leave her situation.

healthybychristmas · 26/01/2025 23:59

I would assume it wasn't the first time she'd been hit. I wouldn't speak to her about it in front of him though I would have to really bite my tongue to keep quiet. I would speak to her separately on another occasion and ask if she was okay. She would probably say yes but I would tell her I would be there for her no matter what.

Tisthedamnseason · 27/01/2025 00:02

Would you continue to interact with him?

From all your posts, yes. I don't think that at this point a refusal to have anything to do with him will help your sister, it may isolate her. Nor would I confront him over it, since she is still living with him.
It sounds like she needs to leave him, but you need to speak to her about that while not antagonising him. Leaving can be dangerous.

steff13 · 27/01/2025 00:13

Who all was in the car? Did noone say anything at the time?

Icanflyhigh · 27/01/2025 00:19

My son went for the centre console to replay a song last week and obscured my vision while I was driving.
I gently took his hand and moved it out of my sight. I didn't yell at him and I didn't slap his hand away.

He was annoyed the song didn't replay but ok once I explained why...
Why would that require any other reaction.
Be gentle with your sister, sounds like she's waiting for someone to notice and help her xx

Be prepared for her to minimise and deny, and for him to instruct NC if he knows you're asking questions
Just be there for her xx

user1492757084 · 27/01/2025 00:54

When is BIL's birthday?

I would book him a series of 10 Anger Management sessions and tell him that you will be disappointed if he gets to be another year older without addressing his out of control angry slaps..
State that you sister is precious, that your nieces and nephews do not deserve to see any angry outbursts aimed at a living thing, from their father.

And yes, talk to DS and say you find slapping offensive.
Ask whether they slap each other or their children.

Spirallingdownwards · 27/01/2025 00:56

Reu · 26/01/2025 22:31

BIL slapped the back of my sister’s hand because she was changing songs by touching the car’s centre screen. He slapped it without saying a word and then explained it was impacting his field of view. They were not fighting.

How would your family respond to such an incident?

Why would my family be involved with something that happened between my DH and me?

NiftyKoala · 27/01/2025 00:58

You need to not say a word. If he really is abusive and you say something you will have cut your sister off from family and safety.

HereForTheAnimals · 27/01/2025 01:01

How the hell would her changing the song impact his view? This wouldn't be an issue with one of my sisters because she can look after herself, and would've probably caused a crash by breaking his nose if her DH slapped her.

I wouldn't feel easy about it, the way you've described, and I'd probably speak to my sister in this situation.

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