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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants extra days

65 replies

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 18:20

Hi, we have 2 lo's, age 7 and 11. I have a live with order and Mt ex has the kids eow and the following week, one overnight. It works well and has done for 5 years. We are flexible eg if a family member has a birthday on the others weekend, we work around it so they don't miss out.

Ex doesn't pick the kids up from school, his mum does and makes their tea. I pick them up on my days, I'm the one who does all the school stuff, appointments, has the kids friends over, my 11 Yr old now plays out a bit. I pay for all their hobbies etc.

Ex has a girlfriend and since the day they met her they started staying over at our house. Our son has to share a room with her son and he keeps him awake. When they come back on a Sunday both my kids are shattered and my son is off the walls. He is being assessed for ADHD.

Ex wants the following:
Have the kids overnight the Sunday and take them to school on his weekends, usually Thursday to Sunday.
Wednesday and Thursday the next week.

So he would have the weekend until Monday, they would stay with my 2 nights and go back to him. One of the days our son has a hobby so we are rushing and my daughter usually plays out the Wednesday as it fits will our arrangements.

I've said no to the Sunday night as our son would then be wild on the Monday, while taking fo his hobby and no time to calm him down. He takes a few days to calm down.

The Wednesday I've said no to as they would only be home for 2 nights, one would be a rushed nights etc.

My ex is seeing someone in a different area, they got back together after being split up a year. He told me.one of the issues was the travel and how she wanted him to move in with her in her area. I don't want to make any changes as our daughter will be stating high school soon and my ex might move to a different area.

I let the kids speak to their dad whenever they want etc.

AIBU

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 26/01/2025 18:32

What do the kids want?

It doesnt sound like he has them that much at the moment so I could see why he wants more time.

If the kids would be up for more time then I think it should be considered increasing his time, even if it means some compromise on what he has suggested

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 18:36

I haven't asked them as I know my ex will be putting pressure in them. I know that this weekend my daughter was refusing to go to his and I persuaded her. My son isn't really bothered. Ex had them eow but Thursday to Sunday, then Thursday to Friday the following week.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 19:34

So if you aren’t happy with what he has suggested, what have you offered as an alternative?

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:24

I've suggested we meet for a brew to discuss it together.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 20:27

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:24

I've suggested we meet for a brew to discuss it together.

So what are you thinking of suggesting?

VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 20:27

How about he has them longer in the holidays.

StrawberryWater · 26/01/2025 20:31

Offer extra in the holidays and tell him no for everything else.

Sassybooklover · 26/01/2025 20:36

You need to offer an alternative to what your ex is suggesting. Explain that your son needs several days to calm down after visiting and isn't sleeping well due to sharing a room. Don't portion blame on your ex, but calmly explain and say that you both need to come up with an agreement that's best for the children. At 11, your daughter is getting to an age, where she needs to be asked what she wants. Yes, she needs to see her Dad but equally she's getting to an age, where spending time with friends will become more important. You ex needs to be ready for that and understand, it's nothing personal against him, it's part of growing up.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:43

Re holidays, we split them apart from the summer. His mum has them in the holidays. I take the first 3 days off to spend with them, following my weekend and then he has them from the Thursday, but his mum looks after them. He wouldn't go for that as he doesn't take any annual leave to have them in the holidays.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 20:52

Putting aside the holidays, what is your suggestion?

(by the way, I don’t have annual leave during the school holidays, not everyone does)

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:53

I feel a bit stuck regarding what I can offer back. I've tried to explain on the Sunday our son is wild but he says I am lying. It's frustrating as he knows how hyper he is and doesn't think kids have to settle.

My daughter always wants her dad to like her. The main reason we split up was because he resented her, didn't do any of her care, didn't play with her , talk to her etc. He used to say she ruined everything, that having kids ruins everything. He swore at her a few tines when she was 4x shouted at her and had nothing to do with her. My daughter would say anything to make him happen and please him. She tells me things but tells me not to tell her dad. If I mention anything, he then questions her and puts a lot of pressure on her.

My lo came home today really heightened. He said he asked his dad if he could share with his sister at the weekend. He said he told his dad he did not want to share with his gfs son. He told his dad again that he wakes him up a few times and then again in the morning. He got told he could either share with him or sleep with the cats. My daughter joined in and said she said our son could share with her but dad said no. She is 11 so I wouldn't do this either. I raised this with ex as my son was begging me to. I'd previously said nothing as I didn't want to look like a bitter ex. He then just started slagging me off and said our asks to share with his gs son.

I'm really not sure what else to suggest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:55

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 20:52

Putting aside the holidays, what is your suggestion?

(by the way, I don’t have annual leave during the school holidays, not everyone does)

Ex has more annual leave than me, but he uses it to go on holiday himself with his dad, girlfriend and her son, or friends.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 26/01/2025 20:56

It does sound like you’re putting barriers in the way. If the kids are happy to try it just give it a go and see how they get on. I’d just say the kids are happy to do what he asked as long as they can both share a room together

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:58

I'm open to thinking about the Wednesday but I don't agree to the Sunday as the kids need to settle. Our youngest will be wild when he comes home, but has a hobby Monday evening. It will be too much for him.

OP posts:
VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 20:58

Coconutter24 · 26/01/2025 20:56

It does sound like you’re putting barriers in the way. If the kids are happy to try it just give it a go and see how they get on. I’d just say the kids are happy to do what he asked as long as they can both share a room together

No. She's 11. She will need privacy.

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:00

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 20:58

I'm open to thinking about the Wednesday but I don't agree to the Sunday as the kids need to settle. Our youngest will be wild when he comes home, but has a hobby Monday evening. It will be too much for him.

Try it and see. He’s 7, not a young baby.

movinghouse12 · 26/01/2025 21:03

I don't understand why he wants them more but won't take annual leave in school hols for them? I'd say he's got opportunity for more time as it is and is not using it. I wouldn't be letting him have more time when his mum has them so much, he should use that time first before you lose more time. It sounds like it's at his convenience he wants themz

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:04

He is being assessed for adhd so is a million miles per hour and becomes upset/frustrated. When he comes home he tantrums, is running all over, cries and doesn't know what he wants. He calms down a bit after a bath but doesn't sleep well that night. Tuesday evening is much better.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:05

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:04

He is being assessed for adhd so is a million miles per hour and becomes upset/frustrated. When he comes home he tantrums, is running all over, cries and doesn't know what he wants. He calms down a bit after a bath but doesn't sleep well that night. Tuesday evening is much better.

So let his dad deal with that. Your son has two parents.

KhakiShaker · 26/01/2025 21:05

Why don’t you try his suggestion and see how it works out.

Its not unreasonable for his mum to care for them, he’s entitled to find childcare and they have bonding time with GP.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:08

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:05

So let his dad deal with that. Your son has two parents.

Show quote history

I mean that he is like that after a weekend with his dad, different house/rules etc/more tired. He is ok day to day but the transition from his dad's at the weekend to my house sets him off.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 26/01/2025 21:08

VotingForYourself · 26/01/2025 20:58

No. She's 11. She will need privacy.

Show quote history

The daughter said he could share with her. So for now while they settle it seems like a good option. It doesn’t have to be forever but a few months to help the extra nights be more comfortable for them

Nicknacky · 26/01/2025 21:09

Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:08

I mean that he is like that after a weekend with his dad, different house/rules etc/more tired. He is ok day to day but the transition from his dad's at the weekend to my house sets him off.

Show quote history

So try his suggestion and agree to reassess it after a month, for example.

Original poster
Sunshine186 · 26/01/2025 21:11

KhakiShaker · 26/01/2025 21:05

Why don’t you try his suggestion and see how it works out.

Its not unreasonable for his mum to care for them, he’s entitled to find childcare and they have bonding time with GP.

Yeah I'm happy for them to spend time with their grandparents, they take good care if them and they have a good relationship.

OP posts:
fivechairs · 26/01/2025 21:29

OP the majority of posters have explained that dad doesn't sound unreasonable, have also asked what your alternative is for him to have more regular time with the kids , you clearly just don't want him to have more time with them so I'm not sure what the point of your post is?