Ex wants extra days

[Sunshine186]

Hi, we have 2 lo's, age 7 and 11. I have a live with order and Mt ex has the kids eow and the following week, one overnight. It works well and has done for 5 years. We are flexible eg if a family member has a birthday on the others weekend, we work around it so they don't miss out.

Ex doesn't pick the kids up from school, his mum does and makes their tea. I pick them up on my days, I'm the one who does all the school stuff, appointments, has the kids friends over, my 11 Yr old now plays out a bit. I pay for all their hobbies etc.

Ex has a girlfriend and since the day they met her they started staying over at our house. Our son has to share a room with her son and he keeps him awake. When they come back on a Sunday both my kids are shattered and my son is off the walls. He is being assessed for ADHD.

Ex wants the following:
Have the kids overnight the Sunday and take them to school on his weekends, usually Thursday to Sunday.
Wednesday and Thursday the next week.

So he would have the weekend until Monday, they would stay with my 2 nights and go back to him. One of the days our son has a hobby so we are rushing and my daughter usually plays out the Wednesday as it fits will our arrangements.

I've said no to the Sunday night as our son would then be wild on the Monday, while taking fo his hobby and no time to calm him down. He takes a few days to calm down.

The Wednesday I've said no to as they would only be home for 2 nights, one would be a rushed nights etc.

My ex is seeing someone in a different area, they got back together after being split up a year. He told me.one of the issues was the travel and how she wanted him to move in with her in her area. I don't want to make any changes as our daughter will be stating high school soon and my ex might move to a different area.

I let the kids speak to their dad whenever they want etc.

AIBU

What he's asking for isn't unreasonable and your reasons for refusing are quite weak to be honest. It's normal for kids to share a room. Being "wild" would be seen as your problem if he's only wild on coming back to you and not at his Dad's. Saying he "might" move away is silly, anything "might" happen. You can say no, he can take you to mediation, you can still say no, then he can take it to court and the judge will want to see very good reasons why you've been refusing what seems like a fair request and both of you will be quite a lot of money down. He's asking for 2 extra nights a fortnight, not a massive change of routine.

No that's not true, I have posted about considering a Wednesday and that I've asked him to meet for a brew to discuss.

Why does he need to meet you? I would rather pull my eyeballs out than meet my ex to discuss something in person that we can sort by phone.

In your op you say you've said no to the Wednesday, later on (after repeatedly being told you're being unreasonable and asked what your alternative suggestion is) you said you're now open to thinking about the Wednesday (that you've already said no to) and still offered no alternative suggestions.

Exactly. What do you hope to achieve by meeting up? It's not necessary.
Just put forward your alternative solution and negotiate.

I don't onow why are you so concerned with this. I came on here for advice, took that on board and decided what I was going to consider.

Do you have a contact order OP, that specifies his contact schedule? I'm guessing so and for good reason if you have a lives-with order. If so, he needs to take it back to court if he wants to vary it. There are a lot of snarky comments about you on this thread, but if there is a contact order they are all irrelevant. Is he trying to reduce him child maintenance liability and make himself look like a good dad to his girlfriend? He sounds like a shit, selfish dad. He's not concerned with what's best for your children. He doesn't want to discuss it, so fine. The end. Stick to the order and raise in writing any concerns about your children sharing rooms, coming home exhausted etc.

I think you need to put the annual leave holiday option on the cards in writing - if he doesn't take you up on it it's strong evidence he doesn't genuinely want extra time with the kids. You can also offer school pick up, he takes them to activities and dinner time at his house another night in the week maybe eg Tuesday then drops home to yours so son still gets a good nights sleep? Again if he doesn't take you up on that it suggests his reasons aren't genuine

Over the years we have both realised that we can't always agree on textd, there is too much open to interpretation. We get on so much better now and are able to sit and talk about it. We usually get a better outcome. It's took a while but knowing what works helps our Co parenting relationship.

It’s nothing to do with the op if he takes annual leave during the holidays as long as he is sorting childcare during his time.

She has no idea if he is even able to take leave during the holidays. I can’t, I get set annual leave and that’s none of my ex’s business.

Ps why should your kids be forced to travel to spend more time in his gf far away area

So why hasn’t he suggested it if it has previously worked so well?

I can’t see any solid reason for him not having more time with the DC. I would suggest you trial it for a period of time.

What is are your biggest worries about this really?

Will he pay less maintenance if he has them more?

Op you don't actually have to do anything but sounds like he'll take your back to court if you don't compromise or offer something, do you want to go back to court and hope they keep to current arrangement? I think you have good reasons for not wanting to increase the overnights with him but increasing evening contact by another evening a fortnight might be a good plan for now

I don't think people really understand these things if they haven't been through them OP, and I can totally understand your worries.

You are the one who has to listen to your dd telling you not to tell her dad things. You are the one who has to listen to your ds complaining he can't sleep because he's being made to bunk in with another child he probably doesn't even know that well. You're the one who has to deal with the fall out when they return tired and stressed.

If this arrangement has worked well for the past 5 years I think your ex would need to demonstrate why it's now in the best interests of the dc for it to change. It is about what's best for them not what he's now decided he wants for himself.

I too am very flexible with my ex and always led by what my ds actually wants to do. I think you need to discuss this with your ex as you're suggested and make a counter offer while sticking to what you think is in your children's best interests.

Why are posters assuming it's to pay less maintenance? Is it that crazy to assume that he wants to spend more time with his kids?
I had a friend (that I ended up backing away from because of her attitude) , she had an affair with, left her husband then openly boasted that she would only let him have minimal overnights so she could claim the max maintenance, she's happy for him to pick them up from school, feed them, take them to their activities and drop them off at bedtime because only the overnights count to the amount of money he has to pay. Not all women have the best interests of the children at heart. Some are selfish just like some men are.

That will happen any time he transitions back then

I'm going to discuss the Wednesday with him.

My main issues is that my son doesn't react well to the transition when he has been with his dad since the Thursday. He is in meltdown mode, hyper, tantrums etc. It has been worse for the last two months as the kids have spent some of their weekend in a different area at their dads girlfriends home. They met her 2 moths ago and stayed there the first time they met her. My son hates sharing with her son, he says he wakes him up a few times in the night and gets him up early. My son has been angry about this as he said he has asked not to share because of this. His dad told him its either that or with the cats. He is absolutely shattered the Sunday when they come home. He is usually OK but the Tuesday. My concern was that he has a hobby on a Monday so it's a rush after school, but as it would be the first time he has been home since Thursday, it might be a bit much. He loves his hobby and has previously not stuck with anything.

What is your desired outcome then as you obviously aren’t happy with the arrangement at the moment?

That's what I mean. We rush on a Monday to his hobby, but he will struggle as this would be the first time he has been home since the Thursday.

You’re coming across as very hostile to the OP. She sounds very reasonable to me, suggesting she discuss it over a cuppa with the ex.

How exactly am I coming across as “hostile”? Because I’m not agreeing with the OP like others aren’t?

I'm happy with the current arrangement Thursday to Sunday and then Thursday to Friday. It works well and has done for 5, sorry 6 years. Obviously transition on Sunday is tricky but I follow a routine that helps. It's my ex that now wants to change it.

But you aren’t as you aren’t happy with how your son returns or the sleeping arrangements?

And arrangements with a 2 year old will be different 5/6 years down the line. Surely it’s understandable he wants more time with his children?