Failing at life and frozen by it.

[daffodillydallys]

I'm really struggling.

I used to be good at my job and I'm not doing well any more. Overwhelmed, missing deadlines but totally frozen. I should have been working on three important things this weekend while I was off but just wasted time and now I'm panicking. It's a Mon-Fri job, good pay but lots of responsibility and around 60 hours a week is normal.

My relationship is shit. My partner has bad mental health and doesn't work or do anything around the house. I do everything (badly) and pay all the bills. We've got an issue with the roof and I need to organise someone to look at it but even doing the research and finding someone seems impossible to me. I need to end things with him but again, feel stuck.

My dad died last year. It was a drawn out and horrible way to go and I was working full time, trying to manage the house and driving 2 hours each way Mon, Weds, Fri and there until Sunday night each week for about 7 months. His birthday would have been last Friday.

I haven't seen my friends since before Christmas and don't really want to be in touch with anyone. I'm embarrassed by what I've become.

I feel like a car in limp mode. Just pathetic. How do I get out of it?

Not as successful at work but have dealt with similar issues.

Firstly, you're still in the middle of grieving which will make everything harder.

Secondly, my go to way to calm down is to write down all the major issues grouped into the different areas of your life.

Prioritize your job because that's going to keep you afloat. Get things into perspective, if it can wait a few days/weeks make it a lower priority.

See how you can relieve some tension, can you get a friend to give support? Could you speak to work and take a day or two off to organise yourself?

Even just talking it all through with a friend might help a bit.

YABU to describe yourself as pathetic. It sounds as if you are overwhelmed or burnt out, and I think in your place I might consider getting signed off for a couple of weeks. Then use that time to make progress somewhere (anywhere) and if it’s possible, to rest- properly- not doomscrolling but doing nourishing things like a walk in the woods or a yoga class or some painting- whatever lights you up.

You are dealing with an awful lot. Imagine a friend told you that her life was what yours is- would you tell her she was being pathetic not to know which way to turn first, with so many responsibilities, no support, and grieving a deep loss at the same time?

Written out like that, it does sound pathetic. Dad died over 6 months ago now and we knew it was going to happen for over a year, so I should have dealt with it by now, surely. My two brothers are both fine.

I did take a week off from work when he died but they needed me back. Maybe I should have taken longer.

Thank you @AlertCat and @JumpingPumpkin though. I appreciate your thoughts.

OL you sound like you are burnt out. You need to stop and get well. Can you downsize? You can't carry the financial burden alone if it requires 60+ hours a week.

I was feeling like this for the past 3 years (even without a recently deceased parent). My job and unrealistic workload was the issue. I finally resigned this year and got a new role and I have been so much happier since.

I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you. I shan't go into my own experiences or needs, but I will say that sometimes you just (just?) need to take a step back and give yourself some healing time. It may help you to give yourself one thing a day to achieve, not 'sorting' the roofer out, but perhaps putting out some feelers to source someone professional. Perhaps you could also put out some feelers to your friends - perhaps a short text, asking how they are, etc.

Get rid of the partner who neither works nor does anything around the house.

OP, you sound exactly like someone who I line manage. I am saying the same here as I would say to her: job wise you’re not failing and it’s just a job. What one thing would you like to tackle which would make things easier? Just one.

Also you’re not pathetic and this is a hell of a year to have had.

6 months is nothing, grief is very personal, there is no defined timeline. Don't compare yourself to your brothers, we all grieve differently.

You do sound burnt out - cut yourself some slack and stop thinking you're pathetic. You are not wonderwoman ! It sounds like you're setting yourself very high standards - work 60 hours a week, work at the weekend, do everything yourself an don't reach out and ask for help ...

It's perfectly okay to stop and say I need a break, some time to rest and reset an I need help.

Things that might help - can you take some time off work? Maybe see the GP and get signed off for a few weeks? Reach out to friends to arrange a coffee and plan some joy into your week - do some things that lift you up and make you feel happier or just help to relax and unwind.

How do you think you would feel if you split up with your partner? Does it give you a sense of relief and peace when you think about him not being around?

Oh my word, massive hugs! With all that going on, you sound like you are doing superbly in the circumstances! First thing - cut yourself some slack and remind yourself you are doing excellently in shit circumstances!

Do you and partner co-own the house, ie how simple, or not, would it be to split up?

Regarding work, I use to-do lists for each day. Anything that doesn't get done that day gets written on the next says list. That way you don't lose anything. It might be delayed, but it's not missed or lost.

You are amazing. You are doing a grand job of coping with several enormous issues.

It won't feel like it to you and you might not believe it, no matter how many of us say it, but YOU ARE AMAZING. Working a full-time job and dealing with all the fall-out from your dad's death is huge. You are coping with crazy stuff.

Have you explained at work that your personal life is surging now? If you've been good in the past, your employer will flex for you now. Let them know it's a tricky time.

It doesn't matter when death comes, it's ALWAYS a horrible surprise, even if the deceased is 90+ years old. It still burns. I don't want to consider how devastated I'll be when my father dies. It will be excoriating made all the worse by being in a different country. And despite plenty of advance warning, there are certain things which CAN'T be done ahead of time.

Do turn this all around and think what you would say to a friend who finally unburdened herself. You'd be full of support. And we are full of support for you!

Your friends will, in fact, be kicking themselves that they did not know you were struggling and support you better. (if you had a friend dealing with everything you're carrying, you would be want to know and be thinking what could you do)

I offer, for perspective, not at all in competition, that I dealt with my husband's unexpected death last winter whilst trying to keep up, sort of, at work. It it TOUGH!!!
You are carrying the weight and jobs of several people and you are surviving at all of them.
Call in sick. It's called mental heath. It's called work-life balance; it's called personal need.

A great line I use in absence emails is 'I am not well enough to be in work today'.

I missed you saying pathetic, that's nonsense. You just need a bit of a break.

Burnout. Not a failure on your part at all. In fact the only failing is you've tried to cope too long. Don't underestimate grief, 6 months is nothing. Something has to give here, you're in the best position to say what. You sound very professional, dedicated and high functioning so it might help to consider looking after yourself and improving your MH situation as a project.

I'm so grateful for all the replies. I was expecting to be told I was ridiculous.

The house is ours, joint mortgage, but he hasn't paid consistently since before Covid, and not at all for about a year. Not easy to get out of, but probably doable.

@Baileysandcream yes, it makes me feel relief to imagine coming home and not having him here. He drinks a lot and I never know if I'm coming home to him pissed already, or unconscious on the sofa, or in bed with a trail of destruction in the house while I've been at work.

There's so much happening at work at the moment and doesn't feel like a good time to take time off. My boss is leaving in two weeks. I've deliberately not applied for his job and I doubt they'd want me anyway. I'll probably have to fill in regardless because they haven't found anyone else yet, which I'm already dreading.

It's your relationship that's holding you back and bogging you down.

End it now & move on.

Oh, you poor thing
That all sounds so very hard.
Might it be worth a word with the GP? If you were depressed, it would make everything seem so much more insurmountable.
I know you already have a lot in your plate, but don't rule it out x

You are not at all pathetic. Your partner is.
6 months is a very short time for bereavement.

No, no, no. There's no rule book for this kind of thing. And in my book, men tend to get over things more quickly. I can't speak for all, of course, but many don't have the emotional depth of women.

You need time off pronto

my dad had a similar demise and I was offered voluntary redundancy at the time I knew roughly what was happening. I jumped at it so I wasn't working all through that. I honestly looked at people taking work calls while their folks were in a similar position and thought "I don't know how they do that".

ususlly we do it because we have to. What is your financial situation? I would start by getting a doctor to sign you off for at least a month.

I notice you mention your work but you don't mention money. If you can afford some time off, you must have it. They'll have to get cover.

re the roof, if I were your friend I'd be fine to help out and get roof quotes for you. Please ask them. People like us get perceived as not needing help. You have friends to ask, so ask.

Don't pay for anything for your partner that doesn't affect you. You can't keep paying the bills. You're not well.

Grief has to be processed and that happens at its own pace. It’s possible that a week wasn’t enough time for you and so it’s lingering and affecting you still.

Your brothers are irrelevant to this. I also doubt they are carrying the same collection of burdens that you are. What’s important is how YOU feel.

You really are carrying a lot. With your partner MIA it’s a huge mental load as well as practical and as well as emotional (because I bet his depression is another source of worry/guilt/grief in a different form).

I think posters may be missing that her partner is a hardened alcoholic.Get him out asap.

Oh I agree

but I get the impression OP needs to rest and build up strength before tackling that.

Yes, dealing with him is probably last on my list, to be honest with you all.

I have a decent sick pay offer, so that takes some pressure off if I do take time off. It's more the knowledge of leaving everyone else in the shit if I'm not there at the same time as my boss retiring. He's been with us for a while, but I've been there longer so they're relying on my knowledge to onboard whoever gets the job.

You've crashed. You poor thing. Your load in every direction is too much. You're grieving a relative (six months is not long) You are regularly working far too long hours, you have sole responsibility for the upkeep of your home, and you are supporting a deadbeat.

I think you need to sign off work sick for a while. That 'frozen' state is very familiar to me and is a sign that depression has already set in. Don't make the mistake I made of thinking your depression has no right to be taken seriously by anyone, including yourself, because you are so busy supporting the rest of the world. It does, and you must. Call in sick tomorrow. Fix an urgent appointment with your GP.

Tell your partner it's all too much and you have frozen. Sometimes long term depressives spark into action if their supporter flags. Ask if they feel able to take on the shopping, cooking, cleaning, admin etc while you recover. If they are unable to share the load and support you in turn, now you are down, it may be time to split up. You have too many burdens right now.

Talk to HR about coming back with more manageable hours. 40 is enough on a regular basis and if there are tight deadlines that require 60 hour weeks, then you need to clock the hours and take TOIL. Your contract should state hours, and you shouldn't be regularly working beyond them without TOIL or overtime.

Make sure you book every single day of your allotted holiday. When did you last have a proper break? When your dad died? That's no break at all. Trust me, the world will keep turning if you step off the treadmill.