Failing at life and frozen by it.

[daffodillydallys]

I'm really struggling.

I used to be good at my job and I'm not doing well any more. Overwhelmed, missing deadlines but totally frozen. I should have been working on three important things this weekend while I was off but just wasted time and now I'm panicking. It's a Mon-Fri job, good pay but lots of responsibility and around 60 hours a week is normal.

My relationship is shit. My partner has bad mental health and doesn't work or do anything around the house. I do everything (badly) and pay all the bills. We've got an issue with the roof and I need to organise someone to look at it but even doing the research and finding someone seems impossible to me. I need to end things with him but again, feel stuck.

My dad died last year. It was a drawn out and horrible way to go and I was working full time, trying to manage the house and driving 2 hours each way Mon, Weds, Fri and there until Sunday night each week for about 7 months. His birthday would have been last Friday.

I haven't seen my friends since before Christmas and don't really want to be in touch with anyone. I'm embarrassed by what I've become.

I feel like a car in limp mode. Just pathetic. How do I get out of it?

Please see your friends.

Could you offer to come in one or two days a week to consult and advise and handover until you are fully recovered? You need a break but it's possible that you could do a small, manageable amount of work.

Does your partner make any financial contribution? Sounds like he's not pulling his weight in any other way.

He pays a few hundred pounds maybe every three or four months. There’s a bit of ad-hoc work that he picks up. I’ve asked for him to do more at home but I end up feeling like a nag because he puts it off and puts it off until the house is a tip and I can’t bear it.

I don’t want to go into detail but my work doesn’t allow TOIL or pay overtime. It’s very much work until you get the stuff done.

I am feeling simultaneously relieved and horrified at the thought of this being burnout. I don’t want to admit I’m not coping. But I know I’m really not coping.

@daffodillydallys i burnt out. I ignored the signs- which I knew because I had already had one episode which luckily happened right before the 6week holidays. Anyway, that second time I wasn’t so lucky and I ended up leaving my job. Please don’t wait until you have broken- please take some decent time off sick now. The space that gives you will allow you to recover enough to be able to create more space by tackling other issues- until things change you won’t be able to get out of this chronic state.

Telling your partner to leave is probably most important, but I get that it’s probably the harder thing to do. It would likely have the greatest positive impact though for you.

6 months is no time at all to grieve for a parent and it sounds like it was very stressful before.

You’re boss is retiring, this won’t be a surprise. It’s not your responsibility.

I would call in sick this week. Make an emergency GP appointment. Tell your friends and see them - perhaps just coffee in their house. Get the roof sorted. Get some legal advice on ending the relationship with “partner” and selling the house.

No but you is going to prioritise you.

If you don't take a break now, your body will force you to, one way or another (either physically or mentally). You sound very run down and you can't go on like this. It's just a job, it really is. Do you need to work so much, is there another job you could do that would still pay the bills?

That sounds difficult OP and you have a lot on your plate at a time when you are still understandably grieving a parent .

As others have said grief isn't linear and we all deal with it differently .
You need to look after yourself . I would definitely take some time off . You can self certify for a week or if you are able to get a GP 's appointment I would discuss with them but certainly not unreasonable to take at least a fortnight / month for stress .But obviously each person / circs are different .

Check also if your employer has an employee assistance programme as they will usually offer some kind of counselling . If not , could you look into getting some privately ?

Re your job , would you want to & could you do your boss's role ? Would it be more money / same or less hours ?

Do you want to remain with your current employers ? Are you ruling yourself out of this promoted post, because you lack confidence or do you really not want to do it ?

I think as your partner is also an issue , it might be great for you to get a few days away from him . Is there a friend or relative that you could visit with , just for a change of scene ? There used to be a stigma around being signed off and doing "leisure " activities but not so much now - when mental health related .

Could you also check here for others in a similar position with a partner or I think Al - Anon is specifically for this impacted by alcohol etc .

Re the roof - are there any Roofer vans around your neighbourhood , scaffolding up that you could get their no and phone? Local Facebook and the Nextdoor apps , may also have names or you can ask in there for recommendations . Or if you know any colleagues / friends who can recommend .

Most importantly of all - you are not pathetic you are simply dealing with a lot at this time and not long after a bereavement .
Take care

Op, I can relate to this. I’ve been having CBT on procrastination, imposter syndrome and anxiety.

Happy to PM you key bits from my CBT sessions if any of the above symptoms resonate with you?

You have a partner problem, which you can immediately improve by asking them to move out and give you space to decide what you would like to do.
you sound like you are trying to help them, but are actually enabling their drinking and co-dependence which means you are not getting any support. I would tackle this issue first, for both your sakes.

Thank you so much, everyone. I went to work today and managed to get one of the tasks I'd put off all weekend done in fits and bursts during the day ahead of a big meeting tonight. It didn't feel as bad today as I'd been imagining all weekend.

With the job, I don't want the role for myself even though I've ended up being responsible for some of the tasks normally done in my boss' role. There is a lot of imposter syndrome, but I genuinely am an imposter, only doing it because no one else will.

I'm not averse to taking time off if needed, it just feels like the worst timing.

If I ask my partner to leave, I don't know where he would go. He doesn't have any friends any more, parents in care home together, no money to find somewhere else to stay. He'll have to stay here until it's sold or I can buy him out, but no quick fix. I go on days out alone a few weekends a month to have space, and I'm away next weekend seeing family.

That all sounds so negative, doesn't it? It feels like excuses but also feels insurmountable most of the time.

Congrats on getting that task done today, hopefully that's a weight off your mind!

Is your partner doing anything proactive about their mental health or to stop drinking? With kindness @daffodillydallys he is an adult and is fully responsible for his behaviour, actions and circumstances in life. You are not responsible for worrying or solving where he would go and how he would manage if you ask him to leave - that's all on him. Perhaps he needs some kind of a wake up call to sort his life out - otherwise nothing much changes does it?

Baby steps. Savour the feeling of relief that it wasn’t so bad this evening. If you can, do something to help you switch off from everything now- a book, a film, a meditation, whatever works. I’m glad you have some respite planned in soon, keep doing that, and just be gentle with yourself. Baby steps will get you there in the end.

It’s easy to say to make big changes but they usually take time. Well done on the job task. I think if you can keep work afloat it's a good plan if possible.

Op having read what you have written I'm impressed how amazing you are! You need to give yourself a break here. You are grieving. You only lost your dad 6 months ago and that's really not that long ago and you got his birthday coming up which is going to make the grief worse at the moment. Sounds like you need support. Please talk to your manager they obviously respect you and think you and important person in the team as they needed you back. You need to reduce your hours to make it more manageable. Please make sure you look after yourself!

The work situation is just ridiculous - 60 hours a week, no overtime pay, and they will "expect" you to start doing your bosses work for no extra pay or promotion?
Sod that.
Get signed off sick.
It is just a job. It is not your responsibility to compensate for piss-poor planning on the part of the other bosses. They knew the retirement was coming - why isn't the replacement already in place?
It is not your responsibility to hold it all together for the sake of everyone else.
They would manage somehow if you were hit by the proverbial bus. And would not hesitate to make you redundant if they felt the need - work life is brutal and loyalty does not pay.
They are taking advantage of you.
Seriously - a job is only ever just a job.

Friends - send a quick message to them all to say "Just want to say hi and keep in touch but I have such a lot on, speak soon" or something like that.

Grief - there are no shortcuts. Just got to let it happen. It comes in waves, it is not a linear process. Be kind to yourself.

Boyfriend. I understand what you say that he is the lowest priority, especially if getting rid of him will mean you having to sell and find somewhere else to live. All you can do is mentally detach, don't let him get to you, and bide your time. Make your move when you feel a bit stronger.

Roof and all the other life stuff - if it is not an emergency it can always wait another day or another week.
Have you actually got water leaking in? If not, you don't need to do that just yet.

Go into daily survival mode - just the bare minimum gets done each day.

Keep telling yourself "This too shall pass"

Sorry didn't mean to quote the opening post.

There would be less to organise / clean around the house if you lived by yourself...