AIBU to want husband to make my bed too when not done?

[ponderywondery]

AIBU to want reciprocal making of bed from DH?

context: My husband and I are considering separating. We sleep in twin beds in our room. We have two children under 8. My main reason for wanting to split is a lack of support and any form of affection. He has said he will make an effort and I’ve agreed to do the same; to prevent separation. This is a last ditch effort. We’d prefer not to divorce for the kids sake.

Most days he makes his bed and opens the curtain on his side of the room. If I notice his bed is not made, I will make it. Ditto other things around the house as you inevitably do when living together. I mentioned that when he doesn’t make my bed or open the curtain on my side of the room, it makes me resentful. I’ve mentioned it before and again this morning, explaining that it upsets and annoys me. He said he felt he was not being unreasonable and could not see my point of view.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I just feel it reinforces feeling uncared for and like my emotions don’t matter. I know it sounds petty but it really upsets me. I don’t ask for much!

Just separate already my gosh. It must be awful harbouring that much resentment and hatred for each other day in day out.

Don't make his bed then. The bed thing sounds petty to me and if you are trying not to separate then you need to work on the bigger stuff - are you having any counselling or just trying to work through it on your own which probably means you are both focusing on different things....

You could try counselling, see if there is a common interest in treating each other well. It might help to find out fully how each of you are feeling and what needs you have.

For the sake of the kids… separate

I don't even make my own bed before work, sod making two of them!

I can tell you now that staying together with that much resentment and bitterness will do no favours for your kids!! Kids pick up on this stuff however much you think you're masking it!

Spilt up, be happier people apart, that's better all round.

Ah dude, if you're bickering over bed making and curtain opening just split up already.

Stop doing this stuff for him and work on what actually splitting up looks like.

Fuck that shit. You tried. Never look back

Christ I couldn’t get worked up about this at all. Stop doing his if you feel that strongly. Although quite a strange set up, twin beds in same room, what’s that achieving?

If his attitude to a small ask to make you feel cared for is to dismiss your feelings then it doesn’t matter what the small request is. He doesn’t care to put himself out for you.

Split up. It’s not salvageable.

Get counselling together.
You will separate if you keep going like this

Either go to counselling to get proper help or just separate because you haven’t got a hope in hell of turning this around without any professional help and you will just continue to live in this toxic misery, kidding yourself that you’re doing the right thing for the children who you think are blissfully unaware of your issues when in reality they are more clued up than you know.

He isn’t making you feel cared for because he doesn’t care about you. I’m sorry to be so blunt but that’s the nub of the situation. You need to stop worrying about small things like making beds and start addressing the underlying issues.

If he's the one that usually makes his bed, and you only do your occasionally, maybe he feels like you don't care if your bed is made or not. That's reasonable logic. We all have different priorities.

I like a made bed. So when I get up I straighten my side of the bed. When DH gets up (while I'm in shower) he doesn't straighten his side, he just gets up. While getting dressed I almost always straighten his side.

I do thst because it matters to me, not because of any points scoring. In the same way, DH gets bothered by the state of the bathroom before my threshold for it needing a wipe around. Therefore he almost always cleans the bathroom. Not point scoring, I'll do it when it meets my threshold for needing it, if it's not done.

We are different people and have different tolerances but they balance. If the tolerances were so different that chores didn't naturally balance, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with that sort of person.

It's the not being willing to do one small task, the feeling that he can't take 2 minutes out of his day to do something for you not the fact you want him to reciprocate or take his turn.

I'd certainly consider seeing a marriage counsellor to either find a way to stay together or slit amicable.

I think looking for him to do it your way is the wrong battle to pick at the moment. Just stop doing his.

DH and I tend to do our own sides. It doesn't represent our feelings for each other, it's just a duvet.

If your reason for wanting to separate is because he doesn’t give enough support and he’s said he’ll make more of an effort but still isn’t giving/ doing enough then clearly it’s not going to work, stop feeling resentment and just leave him already! He’s not going to change.

You're on your way to separating. You can make your own bed or not. Stop making his

I hope you're not cooking for him, washing his clothes, or facilitating his life in any other way seeing as he thinks so little of you.

No yanbu. It's things like this that cause the death by a thousand cuts of a marriage.
I used to occasionally ask my exH to make dinner for us if I knew I'd be working late. Invariably he'd make himself dinner and leave nothing for me to eat.
I paid the mortgage and all the bills and worked, did all the cleaning and gardening whe he just did whatever he wanted.
You expect you and your partner to be a team not a one sided exhausting effort.

I can't imagine making up only one bed in a bedroom if another bed was there. It's not petty, it's probably the last straw. I think you would be better to split because he shows no consideration

Why can't you both make your own bed? You can't be angry that he's not made your bed when you could do it yourself.
Opening the curtains should be done by whoever was last dressed.
Doesn't sound like you like eachother very much.

Me too lol.
My bed is just a pile of blankets I'll find my way back in it tonight.

Stop making his bed
Start making your bed
Get divorced.

But what is the bigger stuff if not the accumulation of these wee things