Smokers/ vapers around baby

[AleaEim]

Prepared to be told I’m OTT

DH and I just had a baby, we live
in London where we genuinely don’t know anyone here who smokes so this hasn’t posed an issue so far. However, I have relatives including my own father who smoke and they want to visit soon. I’m assuming I will need to tell them they can’t hold the baby as they are chain smokers who have one every chance they get. They are not staying with us so I can’t exactly ask them to change their clothes before holding the baby. They’re also the type of people who
see no problem smoking around
children, they do it all the time to others and although they know it’s harmful they do it anyway.

So how on earth do I navigate this? Just don’t let my own father hold my baby? This can’t go on forever surely?

I also have a friend coming to visit soon who vapes, I’ve just been reading about it and we don’t know the harmful effects of vaping yet but I’d imagine it’s similar regards the chemicals attaching to clothes etc.? So I’d have to also let her know not to vape before she visits.

Another headache I have is my sister smokes in her home, when I go visit I surely will be best to avoid the house due to second hand smoke. I’m assuming even if she doesn’t smoke while we’re there, the lingering smoke in the home would be dangerous or am I over reacting?

Yea they can hold the baby, but no smoking/vaping in your house.

Make them bathe and change their clothes before holding your baby.

My mum doesn't smoke anymore, packed in years ago, but if she did, I'd just say 'sorry, but if you stink of fags when you come to my house, you aren't holding the baby'

Is there any reason you can't just say this???

For the avoidance of doubt I was kidding

OP I assume you be keeping your pfb away from car exhaust fumes too?

So never going outside

I would hope that if you are none smokers that no visitor to your home would smoke or vape inside anyway. Baby or no baby they should be smoking or vaping outside. And I certainly think now you have the baby you should be really forceful in insisting no one smokes in side your home.

Personally I hate smoking and I'm quite aware of the dangers of second hand smoke but I think it's unreasonable to expect family and friends not to hold your baby just because they are smokers.

As regards your sisters home I would be avoiding visiting there, especially with the baby, if she is going to be smoking in there while you are visiting.

There will always be risks, you have to choose what you are comfortable with. I wouldn’t prevent a close family member from ever holding my baby because they smoke. I would expect them to wash hands and ideally they would have smoked outside in a coat they take off before holding baby. Limit the time at your sister’s and ask she not smoke inside when you’re there.

Same with vaper. You can’t ask them not to do it but you can ask they wash hands and wait a reasonable period after vaping before holding the baby.

It’s a balance. You want to minimise risk but you can’t wrap your baby in cotton wool and protect them from everything.

Your relatives can hold your PFB 😳

It's your choice isn't it. But yes for me it would mean your dad can't hold the baby. Ever. Until he stops.

I wouldn’t stop people holding your baby.

Personally , I wouldn’t visit your sister at her home because I find smoking vile, regardless of taking baby or not.

Nobodyis allowed to smoke or vape either in our home or near open windows or doors of our home. They have to stand in the garden.

It’s inevitable that my dad for example will smell of smoke, he smokes constantly, he won’t be allowed do it in my house but say he changed his clothes in the hotel and travelled to my house he would have a cigarette any chance he could get. He would light up a smoke from walking from the hotel to the taxi waiting for him for example. I can’t really police that and he’d probably lie and tell me has had none on the way tbh.

Thanks everyone, ugh I prefer my chosen London family, much better people to deal with.

Oh please this is ridiculous, no smoking/vaping in your house?
Wash hands?
I'm a smoker admittedly quite a heavy one at that too, however people are always under the impression all of us are inconsiderate and smoke where ever we want to without a thought of anybody else!
Most smokers including myself are quite capable of going without one for a while to see grandchildren. I don't smoke in my own house I wouldn't light one up in yours and I always wash my hands and take my (smoking jacket) off before I come in.
Yes I'm aware the smell can still linger but that's life isn't it! People like to drink I like to smoke don't be so stupid my god.

Third hand smoke from cigarettes and vapes is dangerous to babies as it contains harmful, cancer-causing chemicals. Would your dad take offence if you said that he couldn't hold your baby if he has been smoking?

Could he not just have a cigarette after putting on clean clothes until after he has visited and held your baby? There must be many other occasions and venues where he is not allowed to smoke so he must be able to go without a cigarette for a period of time.

I'm not sure what you are saying here. Are you saying that OP is unreasonable for not allowing her dad to smoke in her house or are you saying that her dad will be able to manage without a cigarette for the time that he is in the house with OP's baby?

I'm saying her dad would be quite capable to not have a cigarette around the baby!

Don't visit smokers homes.
Everyone washes their hands before touching baby anyway.
No smoking near baby or in your house.
30 minutes/1hr no smoking before holding baby. Not like finish a fag and pick the baby up.

Put your baby’s health first. Tell your family calmly and clearly - no smoking near or just before holding the baby, ever. If they kick off, tough luck.

I didn’t have to deal with that one, but I had to put my foot down over warming bottles in the microwave. PIL didn’t see a problem. I told DH that if they persuaded him to use the microwave at theirs, I would pour the milk down the sink in front of them and start again, and he would hold the crying baby while I did it.

I need your balls 🤣

Yes, you do because your baby's health is in your hands. I would preemptively let your parents and anyone else know the rules so nobody reaches for a baby cuddle in the moment, meaning you have to find the courage to stand up for your child in the moment.
I stayed at my dad's house as a small child. He lived with heavy smokers. I came back wheezy and weak regularly. It was the 1980s. I don't think my parents equated the smoky house and my increased need for Ventolin. I later became a smoker myself, very stupidly. Tobacco is a horrendous substance and vapes are very much an unknown quantity. I wouldn't allow either near my kids and the smaller their lungs the more vulnerable they are. You need to step up and let go of all the shits you give about people's feelings.

The dangers of third hand smoke and the carcinogens that cling to clothing are very very easy to evidence with a quick Google

YANBU at all

It’s not hard to get tough with people when you know what you’re risking if you don’t. In the microwave example I gave above, the mw doing our antenatal classes said they were dealing with a baby once a fortnight with a scalded mouth from microwaving a bottle. She said that in every case the parents said they’d shaken the bottle well. That was all I needed to hear.

I couldn’t care less if BIL microwaved DN’s bottle and PIL thought I was being ridiculous in refusing to follow suit. In your case you need to read up on the dangers of baby being exposed to smoky clothes etc. Then all you do is say what needs to be said, and stand your ground. Your baby needs you to do so. That should give you clarity and confidence. Never doubt that you’re in the right. Stay polite, but stand your ground.

Do you realise how much it stinks.
It really is unpleasant. It's not really a case of that's life, bit of a strange answer.
Can't you spray round with some perfume, so much nicer all round.
,
.

We asked the smokers of the family to bring a freshly washed jumper to change into and to wash their hands before holding baby, also requested they wait at least 30 mins from their last cig. Not completely risk-free but worked for us. DP is a smoker and still has a smoking jumper he wears when going out for a cig - daughter is nearly 3.

Smokers got nowhere near our babies (30 and 21 now).

You are most certainly not being unreasonable.

how is it ridiculous not to allow smoking in your house?