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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smokers/ vapers around baby

29 replies

AleaEim · 26/01/2025 07:52

Prepared to be told I’m OTT

DH and I just had a baby, we live
in London where we genuinely don’t know anyone here who smokes so this hasn’t posed an issue so far. However, I have relatives including my own father who smoke and they want to visit soon. I’m assuming I will need to tell them they can’t hold the baby as they are chain smokers who have one every chance they get. They are not staying with us so I can’t exactly ask them to change their clothes before holding the baby. They’re also the type of people who
see no problem smoking around
children, they do it all the time to others and although they know it’s harmful they do it anyway.

So how on earth do I navigate this? Just don’t let my own father hold my baby? This can’t go on forever surely?

I also have a friend coming to visit soon who vapes, I’ve just been reading about it and we don’t know the harmful effects of vaping yet but I’d imagine it’s similar regards the chemicals attaching to clothes etc.? So I’d have to also let her know not to vape before she visits.

Another headache I have is my sister smokes in her home, when I go visit I surely will be best to avoid the house due to second hand smoke. I’m assuming even if she doesn’t smoke while we’re there, the lingering smoke in the home would be dangerous or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
madson · 26/01/2025 22:13

Oh let them hold and cuddle your baby, they are visiting, a tiny bit of exposure won't do any harm.

Btw I don't smoke never have; but my dad does, he was always polite when coming to visit my babies and seemed to have washed his hands and had gum but I would of never had stopped him either way.

Think of how we were brought up

batt3nb3rg · 26/01/2025 22:50

madson · 26/01/2025 22:13

Oh let them hold and cuddle your baby, they are visiting, a tiny bit of exposure won't do any harm.

Btw I don't smoke never have; but my dad does, he was always polite when coming to visit my babies and seemed to have washed his hands and had gum but I would of never had stopped him either way.

Think of how we were brought up

Some people strive for better than bare minimum. If most normal people wouldn’t let a grandparent with Parkinson’s walk around with a baby, and that’s a tragedy completely out of their control, why would they let someone with a nasty, contemptible habit that’s completely within their control blow their disgusting breath into a fresh new baby’s face?

Some people need to learn to accept the consequences of their actions, and some others very clearly need to learn what being a parent means. Your baby literally has no defences but their parents, and it’s desperately sad that so many parents put the feelings of others ahead of standing between their little baby and the preventable dangers of the world.

TheVofR · 26/01/2025 23:00

Haveyouanyjam · 26/01/2025 09:37

There will always be risks, you have to choose what you are comfortable with. I wouldn’t prevent a close family member from ever holding my baby because they smoke. I would expect them to wash hands and ideally they would have smoked outside in a coat they take off before holding baby. Limit the time at your sister’s and ask she not smoke inside when you’re there.

Same with vaper. You can’t ask them not to do it but you can ask they wash hands and wait a reasonable period after vaping before holding the baby.

It’s a balance. You want to minimise risk but you can’t wrap your baby in cotton wool and protect them from everything.

This is really great advice. No smoking or vaping in house, and smokers / vapers get coat on to smoke outside, then take off and wash hands before handling baby. It is not a lot to ask, and as time goes by, they get more used to it, it is a fair ask.

Original poster
AleaEim · 30/01/2025 12:02

Maray1967 · 26/01/2025 20:06

It’s not hard to get tough with people when you know what you’re risking if you don’t. In the microwave example I gave above, the mw doing our antenatal classes said they were dealing with a baby once a fortnight with a scalded mouth from microwaving a bottle. She said that in every case the parents said they’d shaken the bottle well. That was all I needed to hear.

I couldn’t care less if BIL microwaved DN’s bottle and PIL thought I was being ridiculous in refusing to follow suit. In your case you need to read up on the dangers of baby being exposed to smoky clothes etc. Then all you do is say what needs to be said, and stand your ground. Your baby needs you to do so. That should give you clarity and confidence. Never doubt that you’re in the right. Stay polite, but stand your ground.

Thank you, I do need to start giving zero f###s

OP posts:
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