Who is BU

[SadNutter]

Will start by saying things aren't great in my marriage, mainly due to my husband not lifting a finger to help with anything in the house or with our 3 children, and when I ask he does it begrundgingly. When I raise this he usually gets cross and I end up apologising for upsetting things! I have started to resent him for this, although not sure he realises this.

So today its welsh valentine day, he's left a card and bunch of flowers for me and says he's arranged to take me out this evening, thing is one of our kids is having a tooth out today, so when I replied by saying lets see how he is first, he got cross with me and said we won't bother, he's now not speaking to me.

So who is BU, him for having a strop because I wanted to make sure our child was ok before making arrangements and leaving her with someone else or am I being ungrateful?

YABU.

How old is she? What time is she having the tooth out? Who would you be leaving her with, does she know them well etc?

Depends a bit on the age of the kids and who (if anyone) is looking after them.

But he is acting childish anyway.

She's 6 and she would be with close family

You both sound annoying.

Should add, she is ok and so I've asked what are we doing tonight then and the reply I got was 'well nothing now'

Helpful! But what makes you say that?

Can understand where you're coming from but also feel a bit sorry for your DH if he's gone and planned something nice to try and show more effort and you've pooed all over it...he probably thinks why has he bothered!

He's made an effort and then you put a barrier in place. YABU.

Well he made the effort and you made it sound like you didn’t want to go. Might have been better to keep the plans and then if she wasn’t ok THEN say oh I think we should cancel.

Silent treatment from him is annoying but also you being awkward when he attempts to do something nice is too. That's not the way to encourage him to make thoughtful gestures.

The only way this can be rectified is if you apologise for sounding negative when you did not mean to; and he apologies right back for not checking with you first.

And then if she is OK you are free to agree together what you want to do. And then let yourselves enjoy it.

So the issue is?

Tbh if arrangements are made for her to be with close family I think it was unreasonable to reply with that message. Maybe you both need to make more effort with each other's feelings. Sometimes for lots of reasons we forget that. Good luck

You should have made plans and then cancelled if DD wasn't up for it

I don't think a bunch of flowers and a meal out (at very short notice) makes up for him not lifting a finger. But it depends on his job and other factors I suppose. More context needed OP.

I don’t agree he should apologise for not checking before making an effort. He didn’t do anything wrong by suggesting an evening out

Yes sounded like you wanted out

I just cannot see how op has been awkward or put barriers in the place of his effort. There is a barrier, that is the potential that their child will not be well enough after a tooth extraction for them to reasonably leave her with childcare- but it's not of ops placing. Op is just being a good parent and having, as all good parents do, to have to consider her children first.

Ops dh meanwhile is acting like a petulant child

I’m confused you asked if you could just see how your young DC was post tooth extraction before committing to going out and he’s annoyed? YANBU. You put your DC first and I don’t see a problem with that.

If he's booked something, he's probably had to book some time ago to secure the booking.
He may have had to pay a deposit.
It sounds as though he's made an effort and that this isn't usual.

Okay, your child is having a tooth removed, but it sounds as though no matter whether this was happening or not, you weren't going to be receptive to celebrating Valentine Day.

I don't think he'll make the effort again.

You both need to communicate with each other and if you're unhappy, and it certainly sounds as though you are, then you need to make plans to get out of this unhappy relationship.

We both work full time and roughly earn the same, so neither has more pressure than the other in work. We have 3 kids 12, 10 and 6. When I say he doesn't lift a finger I mean nothing, he comes in from work sits in front of the tv until supper is ready, will come through to eat and then back to watch the tv. Doesn't help clear dishes, doesn't put washing in the wash basket let alone in the machine, I do all the running around picking the kids up and taking them places, he literally does nothing! When I ask him to help say with loading the dishwasher so I can get on with doing something else his reply is usually they're not all his dishes!

If you’re not happy in the relationship then why not end it? And if you don’t want to go out with him because he’s a lazy fucker just tell him that.

I'd end it. You're getting nothing from this relationship