Who is BU

[SadNutter]

Will start by saying things aren't great in my marriage, mainly due to my husband not lifting a finger to help with anything in the house or with our 3 children, and when I ask he does it begrundgingly. When I raise this he usually gets cross and I end up apologising for upsetting things! I have started to resent him for this, although not sure he realises this.

So today its welsh valentine day, he's left a card and bunch of flowers for me and says he's arranged to take me out this evening, thing is one of our kids is having a tooth out today, so when I replied by saying lets see how he is first, he got cross with me and said we won't bother, he's now not speaking to me.

So who is BU, him for having a strop because I wanted to make sure our child was ok before making arrangements and leaving her with someone else or am I being ungrateful?

That's pretty darn awful...I take back my comment about feeling a bit sorry for him! As if he says they're not all his dishes...how the hell do you respond to that?!!!

Well then he deserves to be disappointed, just like you are constantly. Does he think you're his servant? I think you need to have a frank talk to him or make plans to leave. In the meantime he can shove his flowers up his arse.

I usually respond by just getting on with it and doing it myself as its less hassle, on the odd occasion I lose my shit, it normally ends up being my fault and I'm acused of being cross and stroppy, so either way I can't win. In all honesty I do feel like his servant, there's been many a morning where he's been stroppy because his clothes haven't been washed and dried!

Leaving is always on my mind, but I always convince myself that I should stay for the kids. I also don't know where I would go, I have family but I think they'd be really dissapointed in me if I left. I have days where I just wish he won't come home as it would make my life easier and I know thats an awful thing to say!

Leave him. He is yet another man child who expects you do do everything home-related. You frame it as helping, which is very telling that even you see it as your job which he should pitch in with, rather than him being a functional adult in an equal relationship. Not to mention actually be an equal parent. You shouldn't have to battle for this, or for his respect.

I think you were being a bit difficult about the one isolated instance of going out, given the age of the kid and that she'll be with close family. But stropping about and not talking to you is not okay, and is just an extension of his childishness.

Tell him to leave then. You are kidding yourself if you think living with you two not liking each other is good for your kids though OP. If you are staying then it’s for you. It’s worth seriously thinking about now because in another few years your 12 year old will be hitting their GCSEs and that’s a crap time to do it. And are things going to get any better really? Do you think he really wants to be there either? Is there a friend you can talk it all over with?

Surely they’d be more disappointed if you stayed and put up with his lazy attitude!
Regardless of what your family may or may not think it’s not them you need to worry about it’s yourself and kids. It sounds like h le walks all over you and you let him to keep peace…. What sort of life is that?

I would not be prepared to live under these conditions - you both work equally and you do all the domestic work? Absolutely not.
You say you consider staying ‘for the kids’ - perhaps he should do his fair share ‘for the kids’, so his wife is not forced to choose between leaving him or being his servant?
Also, what example are your children learning!

The Valentine’s Day thing is honestly a distraction- I would not want to go out with him given what you have said

The fact you both work and he does nothing around the house or helps with the kids shows he is lazy, selfish and entitled. He can sit and watch you doing everything and still think that’s Ok.

It is likely he doesn’t consider you his equal. With this in mind it will be difficult to ever get him to see your point of view. Whatever you do or say will always be twisted to make you the one at fault.

Im sorry, but this was my life and I eventually left.

My reply I know won’t help you, but it does answer your question. He is BU.

I think this is about choices. He can choose not to lift a finger and you can choose to put up with it. Or you can choose to leave. If someone won’t engage in an adult conversation about a fair way in how you both participate in your life together, then you’ve kind of hit a wall. It’s not good if he’s useless but even worse that he complains when things haven’t been done for him as if he’s somehow entitled to it. You both work full time and earn roughly the same. There is no rational reason at all for him to think this set up is ok. If he genuinely can’t get it then time to think about next steps.

That maybe she’d rather be with her mum? You know when you have children, they are yours to look after and plans change to accommodate them.

No woman should stay in an abusive relationship, OP.

This is an extreme case of laziness !
yanbu
id leave him the moodiness and silent treatment is very unpleasant

Leaving aside the going out tonight though I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who had no respect for me, you’re enabling his behaviour.

Stop doing things for him, do not go near his laundry, do not wash/dry/iron any piece of it, let it pile up wherever he leaves it. Do not buy anything you know he particularly likes when doing the food shop, do not buy any specific toiletries he uses, do not buy gifts/cards for his family, etc. I’d go as far as telling g him calmly that you are no longer including him in mealtimes and going forward only preparing meals for yourself and the children since he refuses to do anything, when he argues back, completely ignore and stick to this.

And them make plans to separate, this man child has no respect for you.

Why doesn't he want to be sure his kid is OK before going out?

I would have thought that that was a given!

Reduce your 'workload' and stop doing things for him. No meals or laundry. Eat before he gets home. He is a functioning adult.

You'd be better off without him, frankly.

He's a selfish arse.

I agree he can suggest a night out. But that’s very different going ‘We’re going out tonight’. And then being mardy that his partner was concerned about their kid.