To not buy my mum cigarettes?

[Couldbysunny]

With her money.
She wants me to go out and get cigarettes for her. She also asks my DH. She gives her bank card to us to pick up other shopping for her which I am happy to do.
She's a lifelong chain smoker. However she has just come out of hospital due to pneumonia turning into sepsis and having a pulmonary embolism.
She was in 3 weeks and almost died.
This happened last winter as well and she was in 6 weeks.
Both times the doctors have told her that if she carries on smoking she will die.
Her oxygen levels and her blood pressie are very bad.
She also has MS and is in a wheelchair.
She said she was going to stop but is now just smoking again. Only been out of hospital a week. She won't take some of the neds she's been given eother. She's an intelligent woman but she lives in a fantasy world sometimes. She's talking about going on a trip round the world.. she can barely stand. She says she doesn't want to die. She was very upset the doctor had written 'resuscitation not advised' on her notes. She's so physically frail but she won't actually do anything suggested to rectify it. She pretends it's not happening and as a result is deteriorating.
I'm very worried about her.
Of course I know she will still get hold of cigarettes if I refuse to buy them for her. She has neighbours and friends who do shopping for her if she asks.. and when the weather is decent and she's well enough she can get to the local shops herself.
So I know its kind of pointless refusing.
But I hate doing it. I feel like I'm killing her. AIBU to tell her I can't do it?

Just to add she is only mid 60s. So potentially decades of life left.. yet she's almost died over winter two years running because her lungs are so bad and she's so generally fragile

gosh, i came on to say yabu but reading your post, you have every right to say no.
can you buy her a nicotine inhaler or a patch?

I'd 100% say no.

You cannot stop her smoking but you have absolutely no responsibility to facilitate it.

She got a bag of nicotine patches from the hospital but she gave them away to a friend because 'she doesn't need them'
The thing is she says she wants to stop. But she does nothing.
She couldn't smoke in hospital either time as she never left her bed so I would habe thought it was a perfect opportunity to kick start quitting.

Can you get her some nicotine patches, gum or lozenges? It's hard because smoking is an addiction, but if she's been through 2 near death experiences and still wants to smoke, I'm not sure what you can do.

There's plenty of help out there to stop smoking, but you've got to want to and it sounds like your mum doesn't. My mother was the same with alcohol and cigs and it killed her at 72

I'm going to say it's her money and her choice - she knows it's killing her and actively doesn't care - but equally you have the right to refuse to enable her

As a former smoker I can see both sides

She had an entire carrier bag of nicotine patches but she gave them away.
She says she doesn't need them and she will stop on her own... yet she's still smoking.
I know i can't stop her I just don't want to add to it.
She constantly says she wants to stop and she doesn't want to die. And they were trying to give her lots of support in the hospital but she won't engage with any of it.

God, what a nightmare OP! Are you having to look after her a lot? Mine (who has always had severe asthma) smoked herself to COPD and a massive heart attack. I refused to buy them if she asked but, like you said, it really makes no difference if they can get hold of them by other means.

Mine did eventually stop after 50+ years of chain smoking, so it is possible. I don’t know what could change your mum’s mind if sepsis, PE and pneumonia haven’t done it though.

I’d refuse if I were you, it’s not fair of her to ask you either.

She's in denial of just how ill she really is.

My mom was a lifelong smoker and when she was dying and couldn't go to the store, I did buy them for her. She felt that the damage was already done and she didn't want to go through withdrawal while nearing death. But she saw her health situation really clearly and knew she had only a couple months left.

We had a very similar situation with my Nan. My Mum point-blank refused and told my Nan she wasn't to ask any of us grandchildren to buy them either.

She always had them though, even when she was house bound!

Another ex smoker who can see both sides. I stopped using concierge gum over 15 years ago.

But there are things in my life I absolutely refuse to give up. Good wine (a tad more than the recommended dosage 😁) bacon and any other good I bloody well fancy, even if the medical profession think it's bad for me.

I really do understand your predicament, and couldn't possibly decide if you are being unreasonable or your mother is.

I'm 10 years or so older than your mother, and also frail. I prefer to have a good quality of life, rather than a further quantity. But I would understand if my adult child desperately wanted quantity, as you seem to do.

so I think neither you not your Mum are unreasonable.

That's the sane as my mum. Was in hospital fir three weeks. So nicotine out of her system.

First thing she did as soon as she was out of the hospital front door was light up a fag. Coughed a lot. Says was horrible. But persevered and got back to 20 a day. Deliberately.

She changed to vaping about 8 years ago. Vapes continually. Thinks it's good for her and the damp helps her cough up the phlegm.

WTAF. Sigh.

After that hospital, back then I refused to buy fags for her as I didn't want to be a contributory factor in her decline or death.

She practically crawled to the shop. I just started buying fags for her after that and now vapes. I don't feel responsible now. It's all her choice. Stupid choice. But hers.

Non smokers will never understand how difficult it is to actually stop. You can say you want to, but until you're actually ready and in the right mindset, it won't happen.

I can understand your frustration and concern what with her health problems and all, and you're well within your right not to help facilitate her habit.

I smoked from the age of 12 until 40 (I'm 41 now), but I went on to vaping about a year ago. It's adequate enough to curb my cravings, once I found a vape and liquid that works for me. Maybe your mum could try vaping instead. It's not ideal, but way better than cigarettes. And doesn't make you reek!

Smoked again for a week on holibobs in September because I was drinking, and I enjoyed every single one! As soon as I got on the coach to go to the airport, I went back to the vape and have stuck with it since - mainly because I don't really drink much at home.

It helps to know what your triggers are I think, and mine is drinking!

Could you get her a vape?

Patches and lozenges with nicotine do not feel the same as half the craving is the act of smoking. You can mimic that with a vape. You can then I et time get her less and less nicotine and end up with nicotine free so she's just getting the habit of smoking rather than the harm.

I'd go for the guilt trip. I'd be crying a d wailing and telling her I don't want her to due and can I get her signed up for smoking cessation (GP or hospital can direct you).

Then, I would tell her that myself and hubby are not getting the poison that's going to kill her.

Ex smoker x

Then hard as it is, there's nothing realistically that you can do. She knows it's killing her, and she says she doesn't want to die, but not enough to give up smoking. You have my sympathy OP, but you are powerless in this.

You can obviously refuse to buy cigs for her, but she'll manage to get them one way or another. I'm sorry, it must be hard

My mum has a heart attack and didn't quit smoking. Then cancer and quit (but was adamant that because it wasn't lung cancer it wasn't due to smoking. Her consultant and a 20 a day 50 year habit said otherwise).

I refused to buy her cigarettes ever. I don't blame you op, and nothing will take that resentment away, sorry.

It's no different than a family member asking you to go get them an bag of weed or score of cocaine - don't enable her.

Honestly I'd be careful about refusing. My mum had similar issues but alcohol dependency as well. People really guilt tripped us about buying her alcohol and cigarettes as we did her shopping.
We tried reducing/changing what we brought for her. She had a bad fall from trying to get to the shops herself, and she tried to approach strangers outside her block of flats offering cash to go get them for her. She was really vulnerable and it's lucky that her neighbours let her know before the worst happened.

Deep down she'll know the impact and the risks, she's living it. There's a cognitive dissonance with any addiction.

It's the quality as well though.. she wants to travel but she's so frail. Anesthesia so frail in part due to chain smoking and not eating very well. Obviously it's not up to me what she does.. but it's not a case of choosing to enjoy something, as she will then complain she can't do anything.
She was so afraid in hospital, really distressed the entire time. And they told her she is contributing to this situation by smoking. Her body just can't deal with getting a cold over the winter.

She has been asking neighbours which is hard for them as one of them told me. She knew my mum had just had pneumonia and was worried about buying them for her.. so I think a few of them feel like I do.
But my mum is quite mobile in her electric wheelchair when she's better. And there's a newsagents literally few feet from her flat so I'm sure she will be fine buying them herself when she feels well enough to go out.
I just do her big food shop for her as she can't get to the big supermarket alone.

This is my Dad too, he has COPD, can hardly catch a breath but also has a cold it’s never the smoking. He’s obsessed with colds, coughs and “bugs”. he’ll say things like “oh so and so has a bad bug, hope I don’t catch it.” Or he posts on SM about the “bugs going around.” He had so many smoking related ailments but is in denial about them all and won’t give up even though he’s been advised to many times.

If I’m at the end of my life, I want to eat nothing but chocolate, cheese, bacon, and good bread with wine.

that said, I don’t think you are unreasonable to set a boundary y either your mother .My own mother faced a similar critical decision moment with alcohol. She quit cold-turkey and got 5 more good years. 5 years with her grandchildren. Those years made the difference between them having memories with her or not.

you can’t make this choice for your mother, but you don’t have to help her hurt herself either.

It's so sad...

My DH gave up smoking 7 years ago when told by the doctor he had high blood pressure..
After smoking all his adult life. Blood pressure has now gone back to normal and his general health is so much better.
It's so worth giving up.

I do have sympathy for smokers as my big thing is sugar. I'm overweight and know my health would be better if I lost a couple of stone. Yet I find it very hard to stop eating sweets.
So it's not like I don't understand.
But then again I'm not ill, I don't have any serious issues due to my sugar eating.. I walk 10k steps a day, exercise etc
but i'd like to think if a doctor told me "you will die if you carry on" and I'd just nearly died in hospital.. it might make me change my sweet eating ways??

There's so much support out there too.. like I said they sent her home with a carrier bag full of nicotine patches and endless leaflets about groups and advice etc
I wish she would engage

She isn't necessarily at the end of her life though!
She's only 66!
And she has all these plans.. she wants to live..
But I just know one of these winters will be her last if she carries on smoking. Because every time she gets a cold it absolutely destroys her, she ends up with pneumonia and in hospital. And two years running she's had pulmonary embolisms. It seems to me a big warning and a chance to improve her health.
she was there sobbing in the hospital.. but now she's home its like nothing happened and she's straight back to chain smoking