To think that if you are shy, quiet, have low self esteem, you attract red flag men?!

[Crisscro]

Just that really. I was having a conversation about confidence with female colleagues at work and I said how confidence is so important for young women as if you don't have any, and from my experience, they always end up with shit men. This is all anecdotal but the really nice girls from school who were quite shy and quiet have all ended up in crap relationships. it's a shame as they are really nice, lovely women that wouldn't say boo to a goose.

Yabu- no that's nonsense
Yanbu - yes tis true

Its not about what you attract, its about what you accept.

A confident person won't accept a shit partner, but there are plenty of people with low self confidence who have great partners.

I’m shy and quiet but I don’t tolerate being treated badly - I don’t hang around to argue about it though.

I am that girl. My first husband was that guy.
But then I found a good one

I think it is mainly the luck of the draw, and shit men can break down confident women over time, but confidence in general is a good thing in dating as it makes people less likely to accept a shit man, to walk away from a shit relationship, and easier to move on when a relationship ends.

I don't think being shy and quiet really comes into it, unless they are signs of low confidence in that person. I know plenty of people who are shy and quiet, but confident.

Yabu. It's nothing to do with what the abused woman is like. Abusers gonna abuse. It could happen to any of us.

Shy and quiet, no

Low self-esteem, yes

These are quite separate things, as it's possible to have a quietly confident assertive, self-assured nature.

Abusive/narcissistic men are more often than not attracted to confident, successful women and turn said women into a shadow of their former selves. It's common for said women who escape this type of abuse to say they didn't recognise themselves at the end.

I am quiet & shy. Not the most confidant or sociable and not many friends but been with my husband over 20 years & he is amazing.

boyfriend before him was a dick but i was 16 so look back and put it down to age / being naive and i wouldn’t let anyone treat me like that again.

its about what you accept not attract

Partly true. Shy and quiet doesn't matter. It's the confidence to only accept those who treat you well and to give those that don't the boot early on. You can be outgoing or reserved and highly secure in your own value.

Those who want a subservient partner who won't question their lazy or selfish behaviours may pick a timid woman expecting her to have lower confidence, but as PPs say, often for abusers the draw is breaking down a confident partner.

I think it’s true otherwise you wouldn’t stand for it.

Couldn't agree more with this. This was me

You can be shy and quiet and still have confidence. Confidence does not equal extroversion. But having low self esteem and no independent sense of self, yes. I am relatively quiet and introverted, but confident with good self esteem and I have a lovely happy marriage. My 75 year old very extroverted, loud mum with low self esteem and no proper sense of herself as an individual has always and still does attract red flag city.

OMG OP YOU ARE SO, SO, BANG ON THE MONEY!!!!!!

When I was younger I was the quiet one, bullied made to feel worthless. My husband, my first real boyfriend, built me up giving me confidence, telling me I could be and do whatever I set my mind to. We're still together nearly 40 years on.

I don't think it's confidence so much as what you seek in a partner. Some seem to select crap partners because they want the fun guy without considering whether or not he really wants to settle down and be part of family life. So they get disappointed when he doesn't turn into 'dad' when the kids arrive and wants to continue going to the pub, fishing, football etc

I don't think shyness and low self esteem necessarily always go together. I think being quiet is a personality type and that's just the way you are. It doesn't have to have negative connotations or mean there's something wrong with you. But I can understand how women with low self esteem end up with low quality men and find it hard to get away from that.

I was all of those things when I met dh when I was 19. He is still the same lovely guy 40 years later. I am now happy and confident

This is so so true

So true

I also think that men who lack self esteem look to make themselves feel better by finding a confident partner. They then feel unworthy and set about pulling that woman down. After all if you break someone's legs they can't run away, if you break their spirit they won't even try.

Having self worth means you don't accept poor treatment.

You accept someone treating you like shit if you think you're shit.

Agree with everyone on this thread who’s said in she many words that quiet doesn’t necessarily mean lack of confidence

I'm quiet but not shy or lacking in self esteem and I have attracted some really awful men in the past and some lovely ones too. I do talk, but I'm not one to push myself forward unless I can contribute.

One BF I know was attracted to me because I am quiet was very surprised to find me give a bloody good account of myself when he tried to hit me. He thought he could get away with it because I was quiet, he assumed shy and low self esteem. He still thought my quietness was cute but never tried violence on me again.

So those 3 things dont always go together but people often assume they do

I'm one of these, yes.
Shy, a bit weird looking. Geeky at school.
I have daddy issues..

Basically I got excited by the first bloke who fancied me who had a car house and job. Nearly 13 years later, our relationship is awful.

I'm very confident. When I was younger I was always the first on the dance floor, would dance on tables. I will talk to anyone. Not at all shy. In my 20s and early 30s I was very stylish and wore clothes which made me stand out. I'm very assertive. Never worried about going somewhere where I wouldn't know anyone. Always centre of the crowd.

My love life however was an utter shit show. I went through college and university without a boyfriend. I was absolutely desperate to meet someone and have a committed relationship and I was just totally incapable of doing it. Life was a series of one night stands and friends with benefits that I tried desperately to pretend could be or were relationships. I spent years chasing a man who was an absolute waste of space and an alcoholic who I was obsessed with saving. Later I had relationships in my which were emotionally abusive. Tried online dating and just met toxic or weird men. I'm quite ashamed now of all of this.

I had - have probably still - very low self esteem. It is of no surprise to me now with the benefit of hindsight that I met and maintained my relationship with my DP after I'd had therapy in my early 30s.

empathic People who are abused as children / teenagers attract abusers, it’s it a new thing, it’s a known thing.