If you were living your life again, what would you have done differently?

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I don’t want this post to seem morbid, but rather hopeful and positive. I am in search of some wisdom at a time of grief having just lost my father. I have some regrets about how our relationship was over the last few years. There are some things that I wish had happened differently. I understand there’s no going back, but it’s giving me pause for thought about what warning/advice that I should have heeded more throughout my life, with many things.

For context, I am mid thirties, fairly happily married with young children under the age of four. We both work, are in decent health and I have an amazing friendship group around me.
I am often told that I am in a golden time in my life with young children, and I find that framing my current life in that way has really helped in the more gruelling times of parenthood.

Some things that I’ve thought about over the years:

• after university wondering if I should have done less drinking and partying, and more time developing a new skill/travelling the world. Now that time to myself is so very little, I realise what a blessing all of that freedom was
• What a waste of time it was having low body confidence when young. I understand now what a miracle a healthy body is, any shape or size.
• I feel like I should have enjoyed my relationship more when it was just us two

‘If I knew then what I know now’ is sort of the sentiment that I’m drowning in a little at the moment. I’d love people to share the ‘things that you know now.’

I am so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking.

I came here to say, no guilt. You cannot change the past, so lose the guilt. You can learn from your past, you can do thinks different, but you can't change the past, don't loom at your past with regret, you cannot change it so you can never fix it - if something can't be fixed then it's a complete negative and you will never heal.

I have learnt this - guilt serves you no purpose but to make you feel more pain.
I have learnt that living your life for others is pointless
Living for the gratification of others is pointless (seeking likes and approval)
Keep your business, and keep your nose out of what isn't your business.
Tell people your boundaries and stick to them
Listen to your gut
Don't accept peoples shit
You can't ensure everyone is happy - their happiness is not your responsibility, your happiness is your responsibility.

Good luck. Remember the love, the good, the smiles, the lessons, not the pain, hurt, negative and badness. You can't change the past.

Forget what looks good, sounds good, should be good and do what FEELS good

Apply the above rule to relationships, jobs, what you spend money on, where you go on holiday, what you do with your time etc etc

And above all - go with your gut!

Enjoyed my last pregnancy more. I lost my twin sons at birth last Christmas. One born sleeping and my other little man lived for 4 days. I spent so much time during the pregnancy worrying about the little stuff and I regret that. I did get time with my second little twin though and I'm grateful for that.
Currently pregnant again and I'm focusing on the positive as much as I can.

So sorry for your loss xx 💔

I wish I had done everything I wanted to do when I had the energy to do it and my closest friends lived nearby (two moved to another country in the last few years). When I had young children I would often turn down the opportunity to go out for a cocktail or to see a film because I was worried about missing bed-time or I felt I had to cook a meal from scratch.

Now I don't have as many options to socialize and, even if I did, I feel so tired and old that I don't enjoy going out in the evenings.

Also regret not getting a really good photo of my natural hair colour before it went grey and I started a million experiments in home colouring. Then I would know what it was.

Never started drinking
Married someone different

If I had my time over again I'd do lots of things differently, but every different thing you do leads to a different overall outcome and I'm happy with where I am now. So if I changed what I studied at uni and what I did as a job when I left uni (both of which I WOULD change, knowing what I know now), I would've missed out on all kinds of fun stuff that happened as a consequence. I wouldn't have met my DH or had my kids (maybe I'd have met someone else and had different kids?), but I really don't have any regrets, despite all the missteps I made!

Sorry for your loss. It’s a good moment to pause and take stock of your life.

I am 50. I wish I had worked less, and partied a lot more! I wish I had kept up with beloved friends and not let things slide when I was busy. I wish I had spent more time with my mum and dad before they died.

I wish I had found someone to take my anxiety and depression seriously when I was a teen, as it impacted me severely well into my 20s.

I also wish I had stayed fit! Now I’m 50 I wish I had kept my gym habit when babies arrived on the scene.

I wish I had more often followed my heart not my head.

I honestly can't think of anything I'd do differently. If I hadn't made the choices I did I wouldn't be where I am now which is very happy.

Worn hotpants whilst my legs were long, slim and fabulous (instead of thinking they were chubby!)

I'd spend more time on and around horses.

I would have worked at fitness and strength in my 30s instead of banking on eternal youth health and fitness. It’s far far harder to regain in your 40s .

I made 2 big mistakes, but I still can't see how either could've been avoided. I failed one of my accountancy papers and there was no other ACA / ICAEW firm within commutable distance. We had problems with primary school and it escalated to a bad stage. I was unaware till I got the foi copy of the school records. I have to live with the damage. It's my cross to bare. Can't change it now though.

I am now in my mid 50s. I married to a man I loved who, over time left all the work to me. I was for 90% of the time the only earner and always the main earner. All of the mental load was left to me. Every holiday, house purchases, savings, University funding, school visits all left to me. When the kids started school he decided (unilaterally), to quit his job then stayed home. All the cleaning, most of the cooking and household chores fell to me. All of this came on gradually and one day I looked round and realised I could not remember the last time he took me anywhere, brought me a present (even for birthdays or xmas) or really respected what I did for the family. However, he now has dementia and I have become his main carer. All of this happened slowly and my regret is not having the awareness to realise that I had become a single parent with an extra adult child to provide for. My position is not unusual I think. Younger women should work on their self awareness and do not fall into the trap I did.

Believed in myself earlier.
Realised men were not the prize and wasted less energy on them when I was younger.

I'm in my 50s, happily married, live in a nice place, I'm solvent, got a well paid responsible job that's not very stressful - and I've done a lot of travelling.

But a bit of me wishes I'd taken a job I was offered in London instead of moving to the arse end of nowhere (said nice place).

Or that I'd come back from travelling in my 20s and finished my lawyer training...

I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy over a heartbreak in my late teens. I should have taken 2 weeks off work and gone hiking with a friend or something but that wasn't really the kind of thing that people around me did back then.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to leave your thoughts. So many useful things to think on. I do agree that having regrets is not particularly useful or effective for your life going forward - but if at all possible I’d like to avoid making any really obvious mistakes and thinking ‘if only someone had told me!’

Since having my children and other recent big life events, I have felt the arrogance of my youth melting away, and now I’m ready to listen to the advice and experience of others who have learned along their way. So again, thank you.

The only thing I wouldn’t have done is spent most of my adult life on a diet. I’ve lost weight countless times but always ended up stabilising exactly where I am now aged 51.

This is such a sad and real thing to read. I can see how easily this could insidiously happen. With the pace of life taking care of kids, and your want to do right by the family and keep everyone going, its no wonder the ‘awareness’ didn’t kick in until later. You are doing a good and a noble thing continuing to care for him, but your feelings about it must be complicated.

I wouldn't get married at all, ever, to anybody. What a waste of time, effort, money, hope and dreams. I've tried it three times and now happily single.

Been a better mum to my first daughter.

I would've left my ex years ago. I was with him from 31 to 38, as I got older I thought more and more he was worth sticking with because I became less and less likely to be able to find someone else to have children with. I wasted my last fertile years with him

Not slept with a load of randos in my late teens/early 20s.
Had another baby while I still could.

Op I could have written your list. I think that youth is wasted on the young!

The flip side is I’m never going to be as young as this again, the future is always a little uncertain so I really try to spend some time in the moment, to take opportunities as they appear and try not to worry too much about things that may or may not happen.

I wish I’d taken more risks when I was younger. But there’s no going back so I try to focus more on what I can do now.

Checked out before I had DC. I'm not even depressed and I won't do anything like that now but it would have spared a lot of pain all around. I wouldn't have brought a child into all this, life is not great specially for girls and women.