If you were living your life again, what would you have done differently?

[CCCS280]

I don’t want this post to seem morbid, but rather hopeful and positive. I am in search of some wisdom at a time of grief having just lost my father. I have some regrets about how our relationship was over the last few years. There are some things that I wish had happened differently. I understand there’s no going back, but it’s giving me pause for thought about what warning/advice that I should have heeded more throughout my life, with many things.

For context, I am mid thirties, fairly happily married with young children under the age of four. We both work, are in decent health and I have an amazing friendship group around me.
I am often told that I am in a golden time in my life with young children, and I find that framing my current life in that way has really helped in the more gruelling times of parenthood.

Some things that I’ve thought about over the years:

• after university wondering if I should have done less drinking and partying, and more time developing a new skill/travelling the world. Now that time to myself is so very little, I realise what a blessing all of that freedom was
• What a waste of time it was having low body confidence when young. I understand now what a miracle a healthy body is, any shape or size.
• I feel like I should have enjoyed my relationship more when it was just us two

‘If I knew then what I know now’ is sort of the sentiment that I’m drowning in a little at the moment. I’d love people to share the ‘things that you know now.’

I've thought about this often.
I would do almost everything the same again. No regrets really.
The only thing I would probably not do is go into nursing, maybe one of the allied health professional roles instead.

Condolences on the loss of your father, OP.

I wish I had taken up more of the opportunities to sleep with gorgeous men, when I was young, fit and gorgeous myself - instead, I was a total and utter prude. I turned down a threesome with a stunning Australian man I knew well enough to have felt safe with, and his friend, and I really regret that! Obviously I am alive and something awful could have happened had I been reckless and slept around, but I still think I was way too sheltered and missed out on a lot of good times.

Gotten on the property ladder sooner. And never sold it.

I wish I had not gotten married. Or at least, not married the man I did. I wish I had understood the legal contract of marriage, and that I would lose my house. If I were to have gotten married, I wish I had married a richer man, or, had kids with a richer man. At least I'd be divorced with a roof over my head, not in the messy predicament I am in now. I can't see how I will ever get on the property ladder again, and I am petrified for my future in retirement.

I did travel a fair bit, but I wish I had done so much more.

I wish I had tried skiing and snowboarding - I am too old now.

I wish I had bought a house in central London, and raised my kids there.

I wish I knew that I could have had a career as a dancer, rather than the academic route I was lead to believe was the best route to success.

I wish I had insisted to the ex that we not move around so much (at all!) once I had DC1. I have been uprooted so much as a trailing spouse, and in retrospect, it was disastrous.

Lots of mistakes, some I'll never recover from. Still, I am alive, and my children are healthy and ok, so I do count my blessings.

I've had a couple of big bereavements over the last year or so, and that is also making me look at things differently.

As others have said, if you're basically happy with your life, then all the decisions you have made (however you feel about them in isolation) have brought you to this place, so don't regret any of them!

And moving on from that, most of us will only do/see/visit/meet/experience a tiny fraction of the possible things that human life offers so no point regretting the bits you feel you missed because they are never-ending. Just concentrate on making sure that whatever you do do you're happy with.

And understanding as we get older that 'youth is wasted on the young' is part of the human condition, I think. So maybe frame the feelings of frustration that most of us have that we didn't appreciate our youthful bodies or leisure time enough at the time as a normal part of the cycle of life, not a personal failing.

That's all the wisdom I have right now!

had an relationship with an older women, granted it may have changed when i went to uni etc

Saved more money regularly
Kept up daily exercise
Eaten less butter

Tough one OP. I think there are only two things I would have had the power to change. First would have been to have my dcs a couple of years sooner. It might have made a huge difference with regard to other relationships in a positive way. However, doing that would have meant I didn't have the DC's I actually have, and consequently our dgc. Second, I would not have let my mother back in my life after a couple of years nc. I had already gone very low contact and was prepared to go nc again, but circumstances have changed and I don't think I could take that final step right now.
Overall, I don't think I would change anything because apart from one situation, my life is one I am happy with.

Boring one, but I should have restarted paying my pension after having children and not assumed I would be provided for through my now ex-husband’s pension. Even if I wasn’t earning, I should have insisted on him paying into mine and not just his.

Another that’s probably a bit odd, given it’s in a poor state right now but I wish I’d realised earlier that joining the civil service would offer an unexpected number of opportunities to try different things as well as providing great flexibility and pension.

I wish I’d made different choices when it came to picking a husband, but you’ve already made that choice, OP so don’t need my (probably poor) advice on that!🤣

Paid more into a pension so that by my mid-50s I could have walked out of work in a huff if I wanted! (And I often do want).

I wouldn't have taken a job abroad.
I 100% would not have met my husband and if I did I'd not have married him.
Wouldn't stress about my weight.
Would have taken up running sooner.
Got a dog sooner.

I’d have done what I wanted to do, and not let myself be advised by adults who thought they knew what they were talking about, but in reality had no clue.

I wished I had got on top of my severe anxiety when I was in my teens / twenties as it would have prevented so many problems, problem was I didnt realise I had anxiety, I thought the way I felt was normal and everyone felt that way
Im still not really on top of it but learning to live with it/ slightly manage it
I have a lot of other regrets but I think if that one had been resolved my life would have been a bit different, my life isn’t bad at all but I missed out on things because of it and made some very bad choices

You regret having a relationship with an older woman or you regret not having had a relationship with an older woman?

set up a pension at 23 or 24 not 48!

i had the option of having the relationship, we both flirted and wanted each other just the timing was not quite right at the time, almost like we were offering ourselves in our own way but not agreeing to a relationship

In hindsight, looking at where I've gone 'wrong', I'd want to tell myself to save and buy a house while the market was better and also to stay in your jobs longer to progress more rather than flitting from job to the next when you got bored BUT those mistakes got me where I am. I met my DH in my late 30s and we have 2 kids. I know for sure I'd exhausted the single/ drinking/ travelling life and was ready to be settled with mortgage and kids. If I'd settled down earlier, I'd probably be thinking I'd missed out on that more self-indulgent, laidback life.

Followed my interest and not based my degree subject and career choices on a few offhand comments my mum and a teacher made.

Started having babies much younger than I actually did, and had a huge family - I'd have loved 4+. In fairness, I was told I was probably infertile aged 13 and no-one was more surprised than me when I had two healthy pregnancies in my 30s.

Wish I'd said 'yes' to more things. As a self-sabotaging worrier, I tend to say no and play it safe.

A few friends moved abroad - I wish I saw them more often when I had the chance

I wish I travelled with my daughter earlier

I seemed to have developed a hate for flying which I’m trying to fix

I wish I didn’t beat myself up for being a young mum - I really isolated myself because of it

I wish I had a career mentor - someone who I could go to, as my family couldn’t help and I was the eldest so had to figure it out - I would have stood up for myself more and taken more pride in my work

I wish I focused on getting on the property ladder

I wish I invited friends to more things. I spent a lot of my 20s going to places and finding myself and realised that I could have brought people on the journey rather than assuming they weren’t interested.

Im still in my 30s and last year I told myself to be more of the person I wish I was in my 20s - so this post is a nice reminder of the small changes I’ve always wanted to make

I would have chased money instead of doing jobs that benefit siciety. Im an ex teacher and now ahp. If work is stressful you might as well have a comfy life outside of work. Money is tight.
Lots of other things too...i have lots of regret.

Society*

I would have married with a very firm eye on money and a secure financial life.

I have made some mistakes but I wouldn’t change my life in any way. Most of my friends seem happier now we are in our mid/late 40’s than we were in our 30’s. I probably am too. I wasn’t really expecting that.

I wish I had travelled more when I was younger. I wish I had not wasted over a decade being a teacher - got a great job out of teaching now but it was a slog to switch! Otherwise so far I'm pretty happy and lucky

Definitely would have travelled more with now DH, done more couples holidays. We only went on one just us and one with my family.
I pissed a fair amount of money up the wall, (10+k) which I regret as that would have helped us get on the ladder. Didn't spend it on anything meaningful either.

That's probably it tbh as everything else played out for a reason

I’m fairly content with what we have ….

but I wish we had been a bit more careful with buying our house ….. we were 18&19 so it was never going to be well thought out….

then the 2007 thing happened, and we have never been able to lend as much money as we were offered then . Still arnt .

we make do with what we have, and obviously I’m very grateful we have always had the security (and majority of it with a really low mortgage)

but I have always wished I had borrowed a bit more and gone for a three bedroom, south facing garden or just a few less neighbours (although we have been lucky in that overall we don’t have too noisy neighbours)

in a few years we will be mortgage free, then we probably could afford to start again, and still be young enough………. But then it seems sillily to go bigger when the kids are getting ready to move out!