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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not moving back to my husband’s house?

60 replies

Manna638 · 23/01/2025 14:28

We got married about 3 years ago.

The house is under my husband’s name and he owns it solo.

During arguments, sometimes my husband will tell me to get out/leave out of his house. Sometimes, he will even start packing my things in the heat of moment.

In some cases, when he’s really angry, he demand I leave immediately and take ALL of belongings straight away. I agree that I’ll leave straight away but it’s impossible for me to take EVERYTHING straight away. He’ll say he doesn’t care and wants everything gone now. Sometimes he will even take the house keys off me.

Then he will do the cycle of “I said it in the heat of moment”. And reassures me this is my home too and he loves me etc.

and continue cycle. Tbh he doesn’t do this every argument. Maybe around 10% of the time. I have told him I understand he is angry during arguments, but I don’t like the telling me to leave. He reassures me he won’t do it. But it still happens.

Few weeks ago, I just expressed to my husband how I felt invalidated by him. I was trying to communicate my feelings and I was really calm. However, he just reacted badly to it. He told me to leave and that he is checked out and for me to find another husband. He also told me to leave the bedroom. So I went and slept on the sofa.

I did not react. I wasn’t upset or hurt this time. In the morning, I noticed he took his wedding ring off and placed it near me so I would see. He left for work.

Whilst he was at work, I packed as much of my things and left. I moved temporarily into my parents.

My husband has rang me. He told me he loved me a lot and misses me. He also told me he would not pack my things. Since then he has been really civil to me and is making effort. He is also respecting my space whilst I’m still at my parents. Thing is I don’t even feel upset or hurt. I don’t even miss him.

However, I have decided I have no intention of ever moving back into his house. I will look to buy somewhere for myself and live there. AIBU here for doing this despite him making so much effort over the past few weeks?

OP posts:
maggieemagpie · 23/01/2025 15:15

This reminds me of one of those 'what was the moment that told you you were done' threads. Do not go back.

SpringleDingle · 23/01/2025 15:19

Hes vile, abusive and angry and the only thing he misses is someone to take his anger out on. Enjoy your freedom definitely don't go back!

toomuchfaff · 23/01/2025 15:24

OMFG

Well done to you for removing the "power" he thinks he holds over you.

He is at the FO stage of the FAFO move he has pulled multiple times. Sucks to be him.

Absolute shitwad. Id be extrapolating myself from him permanently for that shit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2025 15:25

He's abusive. And a total arsehole. And all that "effort over the past few weeks" will be abandoned and he will return to his cycle of abuse. Truthfully, he hasn't left it - his current effort is just the part of the cycle where he reels you back in.

It's no way to live.Sad

"Tbh he doesn’t do this every argument. Maybe around 10% of the time."
And yet he has asked you to move out several times. That's a lot or arguments in a three year period. The early years of a marriage are often called the honeymoon period, because the couple are still on their 'best behaviour', trying to impress the wonderful person they've found to share their life with. He's obviously not seeking to impress you. I'd go so far as to say he is actively trying to grid you down, to leave you a shell of your former self.

"He also told me he would not pack my things."
Because he wants you to go back and fetch your stuff. Don't. Have you friends you could send round to fetch it for you? Preferably at least one of them being a big burly bloke? He sounds to me the type who will have a go at a woman, but not at a man.

"Thing is I don’t even feel upset or hurt. I don’t even miss him."
Good! That will keep you safe. I expect his behaviour has simply killed your feelings for him.

"I will look to buy somewhere for myself and live there."
I would set the ball rolling on divorcing him ASAP. I would not risk buying a place for myself and finding he had a claim on it, so I wouldn't be buying until I was legally free of him.

Actually, there's a thought - you're married, so the house being in his sole name doesn't mean you have no financial claim over it. Has he realised that, and that is what's behind his current "effort"?

WallaceinAnderland · 23/01/2025 15:30

You shouldn't go back.

But there sounds like there is a strong chance you will.

If that's the case, make it a condition that your name is put on the deeds of the house so that you legally own half of it. Do this by making an appointment with a solicitor of your choice and you both sign in the presence of that solicitor.

If he won't agree to that then don't move back as he is telling you that the cycle will continue.

(It will anyway because he is abusing you but it won't be about the house, it will be something else).

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/01/2025 15:37

Talk to a solicitor. You likely have a claim to a portion of the house. You are not at all unreasonable not to go back, and soon you will be living securely and free of these frequent fights

Vaxtable · 23/01/2025 15:43

He is abusive, and it will only get worse you say yourself you don’t miss him, so why bother with a relationship that will only get worse if you live with him or not

Just leave him, divorce and move on

beAsensible1 · 23/01/2025 15:55

Don’t you dare go back to that house

Butterfly123456 · 23/01/2025 16:21

Don't go back. I wouldn't. If he says he loves you, tell him to give you some percentage of the property legally. However, even if he does that (which I doubt), he will most likely find another thing to grind you down about... for example that you don't work, or that you don't earn enough, or that the house is dirty, etc.
It's very strange he is acting like that in the initial years of marriage. Was this an arranged marriage? I'm asking because I have some in my own family and the man behaves exactly like this. I'm afraid it's just the mysoginistic attitude that they grow up with, you can't change that.

Rickrolypoly · 23/01/2025 16:26

Aww this isn't a marriage and he is not a good man.

You're out now, please dont go back..no matter what he says. He wont change. He will tell you what you need to hear and then it'll happen again.

You dont deserve to be treated like this. Stay strong, see a solicitor and file for divorce.

Volumedelachanel · 23/01/2025 16:32

This is the cycle of abuse and he's in the nice bit. this marriage needs to be over. there's nothing to salvage here. he won't change

BlondeMamaToBe · 23/01/2025 16:39

I would never have spoken to him again after the first time. You are very unwise to have went back at all.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 23/01/2025 17:49

He enjoys abusing you and having power over you so of course he wants you back. It’s a game for 2 players.

Id divorce him.

Winterskyfall · 23/01/2025 18:08

Don't move back, he is a controlling, manipulative arsehole. It will only get worse. Especially if you have children and are vulnerable. I would get a divorce.

HelloVeritas · 23/01/2025 18:14

The house is a shared marital asset whether he likes it or not.

Don't buy your own property until AFTER you divorce him otherwise you risk him claiming ownership of that too?

A solicitor will advise x

Daleksatemyshed · 23/01/2025 18:31

You'd be a fool to go back Op, he's being nice now to try and coax you back but it would be the same story again as soon as you did or said something he didn't like. He may say it's his house but a divorce lawyer will probably prove him wrong.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/01/2025 18:39

The repetitive nature of his argument - argue - tell you to leave - you do leave and then return and it happens again - that is text book abuse right there.

Don't go back.
Do get in touch with a solicitor as while the house might be in his name, as soon as you got married, afaik it became a marital asset and you may be eligible for some of the cost of the property as a result, so I would get straight on to getting a good divorce solicitor.

Start looking for a place for yourself to live.
Stay strong!

Praying4Peace · 23/01/2025 18:45

Hi OP, I appreciate that most people have said something they regret in the heat of the moment but your husband's behaviour and threats to get out of his house is off the scale and it appears he is using this as a form of control.
Time to rethink your marriage. If he is really genuinely sorry and remorseful, he could consider putting your name on deeds of house

Chuchoter · 23/01/2025 18:47

Only three years ago you were both declaring undying love when you got married and it's quickly descended into this awful way of life!

Why would you continue to live like this?

Up and down like a rollercoaster and subjected to him being the cruel 'Master' of the house and banishing you out into the cold and then the next he's being all jolly and telling you he didn't mean it?

Your life will be utterly miserably if you stay with this contemptible and nasty piece of work.

See a solicitor asap.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 23/01/2025 18:52

I was going to post a comment supporting you, OP, till I noticed you have received 100% YANBU — a rare achievement when hundreds of people have commented!

Needless to say, don’t go back to this weird and incredibly controlling man. Best of luck for a peaceful new life.

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/01/2025 18:56

Do not go back to him. Start divorce proceedings.

theemmadilemma · 23/01/2025 18:57

Nope.

I had to tell DH early on that shit said like that in the head of the moment dents trust. And that if it kept happening, one day I would just take the option because he'd have broken it.

It's not happened since.

PerambulationFrustration · 23/01/2025 19:02

I hope you do as he says
And find another husband..
One who genuinely loves you, respects you and treats you well.

Debtfreegoals · 23/01/2025 19:09

Oh gosh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As others have said this is a bit abusive. I think because he’s continued to do it again and again… I doubt he will change now.

TheLargestToblerone · 23/01/2025 19:18

Volumedelachanel · 23/01/2025 16:32

This is the cycle of abuse and he's in the nice bit. this marriage needs to be over. there's nothing to salvage here. he won't change

Exactly this OP. And please bear in mind that the nice part of this cycle is that he's "been really civil to me."

Get a divorce and with it proper legal advice. You're entitled to a proportion of the house, likely 50%. Do not listen to what he tells you you can have, because he is not on your side.