To call my friend naive and a bit daft? STD test for her son

[Mirandawrongs]

My friend has a son for who she is a carer.
he had an accident a few years ago but now he has recovered quite well and is working, socialising and being more independent again.
he is 31.

he has started dating and he seems very happy. He has been open about his accident and she is accepting and empathetic.
they’ve had the sex talk and friends son doesn’t like condoms.
girlfriend has said if they both have STD then she’ll handle birth control if everything clear. Her son was surprised but is essentially ok with it.

I think this is sensible but my friend is deeply offended on behalf of her son.
my arguments of new relationship, no one knows each other’s pasts, it’s for him as much as her etc my friend thinks I’m very unreasonable thinking this is ok!

so, AIBU?
im actually quite impressed by the gf taking such a stance!

I also think it is sensible but am a bit surprised that you know so much about her son's sex life - does he know that his mother is discussing it with others?

Your friend needs to grow up. I've been having STD tests in a new relationship since I was in my 20s and fully intend to continue now I am in my 40s. My relationships to date have been very open to the idea and it's the only way to make sure you are safe when transitioning to non-barrier contraception (bar infidelity issues). "When was your last STD test" is a question that comes up quite early on either from me or my new partner. It's pretty much a norm nowadays.
I am not sure why your friend is "offended" since she knows her son "doesn't like condoms".

I think she’s just assumed that he doesn’t like condoms as they are “too fiddly for him”, I’m not sure he told her that.
im sure he knows she’s been talking, she tells everyone everything
she does have a heart of gold but cannot keep a secret

Really!! her 31 year old son is this open and his mother thinks she's allowed a say!?
She needs to back off!

Oh my god, the poor girlfriend! Imagine not only your boyfriend’s mother knowing about your birth control decisions, but all her friends as well!

What sex position do all of you guys think he should be having with his gf?

Serious. Y'all need to back off. Way back. And he needs to learn that his sexual choices are between him and his partner. Very emotionally unhealthy.

Geez

Too much sharing all round.

🤔

Really weird that she knows this information, let alone you.
It’s a little perverse that anyone thinks this is a discussion open for their involvement.

And a bunch of random people on the internet

This is complicated as he needs a carer. What are his carer needs? Does he now have cognitive difficulties? Does he still need a carer? At 31 it’s probably best that his Mum isn’t is carer.

Why is a 31 year old telling his mum about this?

And why is she then telling you??

friends son doesn’t like condoms

Let's hope friend's son likes nappies then.

When he had his accident he was badly injured physically but he is getting better and stronger all the time.
she gave up work to be his carer and he did need 24/7 in the beginning.
she, obviously became very protective of him and they have always been close but now closer

I think some of it is he has been her world whilst he recovered and she’s floundering a bit now he is getting his life back.

It's weird that your friend is discussing this with you and even weirder that you've now put it on here. The poor son would be mortified and it's massively inappropriate. Hope you've changed some of the details otherwise he is fairly identifiable (age, accident, overbearing mother etc)

I don’t understand, did the son ask his Mum to help him book/find an STD clinic? Or did he just come home and tell her? I agree with others, it seems a weird discussion for a son to have with his Mum as an adult. I appreciate after a life changing accident, it may have created a dependency towards Mum but I’m unsure why she’s mirroring this and treating him like a child.

This feels like a reverse but I can’t figure out who the OP would be in the scenario? The gf, the son? Just seems strange to think so much about this when you’re so far removed.

WTF?! I'm not sure what a 31 year olds sex life has to do with anyone other than his partner. But his mum's friends?! And you're posting on a public forum about it?!

Can I ask if you have much else going on in your life @Mirandawrongs ?

Are you my friend? His mum?
ive asked a question about something I feel weird about.
I’ve given some details but I haven’t given timelines, countries etc,
only on mumsnet eh?

I'm asking why you are bothered about (and investing time in) your friend's sons sex life? And what it could possibly have to do with you?

I’m not bothered about his sex life. I’m bothered that my friend is offended that a grown woman has asked her grown son about a subject that could affect their future together.

Jesus Christ.

I think this is sensible but my friend is deeply offended on behalf of her son. my arguments of new relationship, no one knows each other’s pasts, it’s for him as much as her etc my friend thinks I’m very unreasonable thinking this is ok!

I will ask again, why is your friend asking for your advice on her adult son's sex life???

This is so fucking weird

So in the whole conversation you both focussed on the sensibleness/offensivenes of the gf, and neither of you had any problem with the son 'not liking condoms'?

If it were my son I'd be telling him his preference is neither here nor there - unless he wants to be a father, he uses condoms.

Your friends son is a dickhead. He needs to protect himself from unwanted pregnancy and not depend on a woman to do it for him. If he finds condoms fiddly he needs to practice using them. Besides, I'm sure he'll find a baby more bloody fiddly.

STI test wise. She is sensible and responsible. Although, i think trusting anyones fidelity isnt very sensible.

In my youtg i would have insisted on STI tests with every new partner and I'd use condoms as well. Maybe it's an age thing. HIV and Aids was a very much a new, scary and life limiting illness in my youth.