To just want my mum as a fully grown adult

[fluffyjammies]

I'm temporarily living in my mum's house while I get somewhere to live of my own organised. She lives rurally, in the countryside, where there are no streetlights. Tonight I got home from my post-work therapy appointment, walked a different way than usual round the house to the door, and tripped over a flowerpot in the dark. I fell down on the gravel path, scraped my hand and grazed my knees. Thankfully I didn't hit my head on the house.

It did hurt, and I was feeling vulnerable after therapy, so my resilience wasn't at its peak, and I started to cry. The incident reminded me of falling in the playground at primary school and ripping a hole in your tights at the knees. My mum hasn't really been a mum to me, and all I could think was "I want my mummy", except there wasn't one. I had a weep in the dark and pulled myself together before going inside. I told my mum what happened and she said "that will teach you for walking around in the dark".

I went up to my room and had another cry. All I wanted was a hug from someone safe and comforting. AIBU?

Nothing quite like your mum when you need comfort.

I'm older now and fortunate in that DH can tell when I'm down and just gives me a quick hug or even simply holds me. He seems to be able to sense I need it. But he's not my mum and even though she passed years ago I still miss her.

My mum is very much a "get up and dust your self off parenting type, you don't go to her for sympathy but she's great in many other ways.

"My mum hasn't really been a mum to me"

You're living with her though so I would say that's pretty mum like.

I'm sorry for your childhood but that feels harsh. It's entirely reasonable to wish that things were different and to be sad that something so fundamental is missing.

OP, I know you'll pull yourself back up and get on with life when you can but it's fine, maybe even good, to recognise that something was missing from your childhood, is still missing now, and to be sad about that.
I like the big cuddly toy suggestion. Do you have a friend you could talk to?

I have that feeling too, OP.
My mum is alive and we get on but she's never felt like a proper "Mummy" type mum.
My dad died a few years ago and we had a difficult relationship.
When I was growing up I always gravitated to anyone who gave me any kind of maternal or paternal attention. I was desperate to feel special and looked after, like a real Daddy's girl. I was so jealous of girls who were brought up to feel protected by their dads.
Embarrassingly I still crave this. I think I always will.
I just try to make sure as best as I can that my children won't ever feel the same way as me. That's the best I can do to make things better.

My parents were raised by Edwardians so they never had any affection & never showed me any.

I can't even imagine what it's like to want your mum.