To just want my mum as a fully grown adult

[fluffyjammies]

I'm temporarily living in my mum's house while I get somewhere to live of my own organised. She lives rurally, in the countryside, where there are no streetlights. Tonight I got home from my post-work therapy appointment, walked a different way than usual round the house to the door, and tripped over a flowerpot in the dark. I fell down on the gravel path, scraped my hand and grazed my knees. Thankfully I didn't hit my head on the house.

It did hurt, and I was feeling vulnerable after therapy, so my resilience wasn't at its peak, and I started to cry. The incident reminded me of falling in the playground at primary school and ripping a hole in your tights at the knees. My mum hasn't really been a mum to me, and all I could think was "I want my mummy", except there wasn't one. I had a weep in the dark and pulled myself together before going inside. I told my mum what happened and she said "that will teach you for walking around in the dark".

I went up to my room and had another cry. All I wanted was a hug from someone safe and comforting. AIBU?

What a lovely, kind and thoughtful post to the OP,
you sound a genuinely lovely person 💕

What a ridiculous thing to say! Or rather—you might think about how to reparent yourself and become a more empathetic person rather than blaming your dysfunctional childhood for your inability to care about a post you are commenting on!

OP please bring that epiphany you had, the memory of yourself as a child, back to your therapist and use it for healing and growth. I think you will find a lot there in the realization that this mother wounddates back to the beginning. Your mother’s coldness is what Tich Nhat Hanh calls “the second arrow” that we fear because we brace ourself against the reopening of the first wound. In reality you have been picking yourself up and dusting yourself off very successfully for your whole life. You may find yourself all that you need once you realize how incapable your mother is of mothering you.

This really resonates with me. My mum is not maternal and feels like an older female relative rather than my mum. I was looking after my teen daughter the other week when she was ill and she said all she wanted was me and how I made it a bit better for her - we all deserve that feeling. I guess I try to be the mum I never had for my DC and a PP is right, we will have to learn to mother ourselves too which is much harder.

Just in case:

Whenever I’m upset I still have hope my mum might be the mum I desperately want. But she never shows. Most of the time I mentally cope but when I’m hurt I have the same thoughts OP.

You aren’t alone, it’s grieving for a mother you want who will support you emotionally and physically.

@Maddy70 Jesus …..if you had a dysfunctional family, as you say you did, you’d show a lot more empathy for the OP’s feelings. There’s always someone who likes to be a total git.
OP, the world needs a lot more love and care, just as you do. Your mother was less than helpful, I’m sorry, YANBU to want comfort and a listening ear.

It's 11 years today since my mam died. I have been very anxious recently after a health scare before Christmas that turned out fine but has really shaken me and I found very hard to deal with. I have so wanted my mam today- to tell her and have her give me a hug- she was very little and would give me a wrap around cuddle- and call me 'pet' and make me laugh by telling me 'Now come on get a grip.' I was home early from work and had a cry. I still feel orphaned without her.

I see we have the same mother. My mum would say the exact same thing to me. I've never felt like I wanted to turn to her when I'm sad because she cannot provide comfort. I've always wondered if she was autistic to be honest, and it's like she doesn't know how to deal with a situation where I'm clearly upset so she has to say the first thing that comes into her head, sadly this is usually terrifically inappropriate.

I take comfort in how I get to change things for my boys and be there for them when they need me.

She’s not expecting them to, she’s wanting them to. Completely different things.

I'm going to be 60 in April and my mum's been dead since 1999 and sometimes I still wish she could just hug me and stroke my hair to make it all better. You're not being unreasonable at all.

If you have children then I feel so sorry for them

That was a rotten thing to say. Of course you wanted a good mum at that moment. We have to learn to be our own good parents, it takes time but can be done. A big hug from one learner to another. X

I fell over in the petrol station, slipped on some fuel that had been spilled 😳 really went down hard and smashed both my knees and wrist - there were people all around but not one person came over to see if I was ok! I got up and hobbled back to my car and was a bit teary 😢 drove home and peeled my jeans off my bloody knees, had a bit of a cry and felt sorry for myself! Sending hugs to you OP, it's horrible and you do feel shaken. Sorry your mum isn't more sympathetic - have a nice soak in the bath, get your comfiest pj's on and eat some chocolate 💐

This reminds me of when my great aunt, an energetic but frail seventy year old, fell i the street in New York city and broke her leg. No one stopped to help her, or even noticed, except one guy. As she dragged herself to the curb there was a drunk lying there. He looked at her sympathetically, as the crowd rushed by , and said “I know just how you feel.”

My mum is dead a good few years. I still say good night to her and send her a kiss before I go asleep.

Sometimes you just want your mum. ❤️

💙A big hug to you @XWKD

OP I forgot to add, I once saw a therapist who was on nhs wards too. He told me it was his first eye opener into a mother / child bond when he saw elderly patients crying out for their mums. There is definitely something in our genes! I think it’s human nature

You need one of these @fluffyjammies.

Sending a hug anyway 💐

Hugs OP, I lost my mum in 2007, she was my rock, I was so lucky to have her and I miss her every day. I'm sorry you've missed out on having a huggy mum. Sending a big friendly hug to you 🤗

I envy people who mum still takes care of them I wish I had that (I'm in my forties!)

Yeah I'm 35 and occasionally also think I miss my mum and wish she could come give me a hug and some soup. Best feeling in the world.

I love my mum to bits - she's great in many ways - but she's not overly maternal. My dad is!
At least your mum is putting you up. Me and my mum would kill each other!
I do sympathise with you about the falling. I really hate it when that happens. Always such a shock!

Bastards! I would have totally checked on you

i have a kidney infection at the moment and as good as DH is I just want to go to my parents and have my mum look after me. Dh tend to leave me be (don’t get me wrong he would get me something if I asked) but my mum seems to know what I need before I do.

my mum on the other hand had a very cold mother and she has made sure she is the opposite. Can be a bit suffocating at times but overall it’s great.

the poster who has got at you there is really no need

I was always told to dust myself off and carry on. No hugs.

Thankfully, loving and hugging my kids came naturally, still does at 27 and 16. Your children never grow old in your eyes. Well maybe they do to some.
I think they worry about me more than I them though, now!

If it was me, my daughter would absolutely wet herself laughing. A bit like when I fell over in the shallows of the wave machine in the pool. Too busy laughing to help me up, some random big bloke had to rescue me 🤣

Sorry, off point. I hope your grazes are feeling better now @fluffyjammies ❤️