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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a first date to be a meal

39 replies

Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:12

I have recently got talking to a guy I knew 10 years ago met him once through friends. Now talking Via Facebook.
I'm not too sure yet how I feel or whatever. But he's just asked me if I fancy going out for a meal and I now don't know how to reply. Whenever someone wants to go for a meal when we are basically strangers I clam up. Its so awkward for me until I know someone. Like talking. Chewing. Looking at one another. Dressing up. Looking like a couple. Walking Into a busy place to sit for ages. It just gives me the most uncomfortable feelings. But I don't know how to say to him I'd rather not do that for a first date.
Or is this the only option for a date. Eating and a drink?

OP posts:
Ohnonotmeagain · 22/01/2025 21:13

Use your words.

i’d prefer just to go for a drink if that’s ok?

why don’t we go to the cinema instead?

etc.

toomuchfaff · 22/01/2025 21:19

Ohnonotmeagain · 22/01/2025 21:13

Use your words.

i’d prefer just to go for a drink if that’s ok?

why don’t we go to the cinema instead?

etc.

nailed it

TheFoz · 22/01/2025 21:21

What about going for lunch where it’s a bit more casual?

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 22/01/2025 21:23

Ohnonotmeagain · 22/01/2025 21:13

Use your words.

i’d prefer just to go for a drink if that’s ok?

why don’t we go to the cinema instead?

etc.

Yep. Just literally say you'd rather not go for a meal on a first date. It's not rude!

Although tbh the cinema for a first date is even worse, surely for a first date you want a chance to chat, not awkwardly sit next to each other when you've barely connected in person beforehand!

Needanewnameidea · 22/01/2025 21:24

Why can’t you just offer an alternative? I have a close friend with an eating disorder, we never meet up to do anything involving food. Other activities exist! I expect he’s just saying meet up for a meal because he’s not thought much about it and a meal is an obvious choice - if he wants to spend time with you I’m sure he’ll be open to suggestions.

“Thanks, I’d love to meet up but how about X instead?” where X is a coffee in a cafe, bowling, a walk somewhere, a visit to a wildlife park, a wander around a gallery, mini golf…

Original poster
Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:27

TheFoz · 22/01/2025 21:21

What about going for lunch where it’s a bit more casual?

Lunch is still eating and talking and eye contact and overthinking lol maybe I'm just too uncomfortable to date lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:28

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 22/01/2025 21:23

Yep. Just literally say you'd rather not go for a meal on a first date. It's not rude!

Although tbh the cinema for a first date is even worse, surely for a first date you want a chance to chat, not awkwardly sit next to each other when you've barely connected in person beforehand!

Show quote history

Yeah I mean a nice walk or a random trip to the seaside would be more relaxed for me. I genuinely don't feel a connection to stuff my face and chat yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:30

Needanewnameidea · 22/01/2025 21:24

Why can’t you just offer an alternative? I have a close friend with an eating disorder, we never meet up to do anything involving food. Other activities exist! I expect he’s just saying meet up for a meal because he’s not thought much about it and a meal is an obvious choice - if he wants to spend time with you I’m sure he’ll be open to suggestions.

“Thanks, I’d love to meet up but how about X instead?” where X is a coffee in a cafe, bowling, a walk somewhere, a visit to a wildlife park, a wander around a gallery, mini golf…

Yeah it's not my idea of fun. I feel abit blank but I've not seen himfor 10 years and may not like him at all so would prefer a different scenario.

OP posts:
ReachingOut8 · 22/01/2025 21:31

Just say that then? I would hate to go for a walk as a date so we are all different he is not a mind reader

WinterFoxes · 22/01/2025 21:33

Just say I'd love you meet up. How about... and then suggest a couple of things you'd like to do. Then if you get on, you could go for a meal afterwards and have something to discuss.

NavyTiger · 22/01/2025 21:37

Bowling is a good one

Original poster
Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:38

I genuinely don't know what I'd like to do. But it wouldn't be a meal. I just wanted to see what others thought. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheFoz · 22/01/2025 21:38

To me table manners is huge so a lunch or dinner date is a great opportunity to see if he’s one to talk with food in his mouth or make slurping noises 😖 but I get that it is uncomfortable with someone you don’t know. A trip to a museum/art gallery followed by a coffee sounds ideal.

largeprintagathachristie · 22/01/2025 21:39

Just to say I never liked meals on first dates, either, for the reasons you outline.

Also you’re stuck for what feels like ages if it’s awful.

(I may be influenced by a first date meal absolutely aeons ago in my 20s where the guy said I had “big arms” - I was a size 10 at the time - took a longish phone call at the table and made weird remarks about the Thai waitresses. Can’t believe now that I didn’t just walk out.)

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 22/01/2025 21:41

Coffee in a nice cafe is a good bet, maybe followed by a walk but not necessarily. Very short dates give you a chance to get to know each other a bit without getting embarrassing if you're not really interested.

Original poster
Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:42

TheFoz · 22/01/2025 21:38

To me table manners is huge so a lunch or dinner date is a great opportunity to see if he’s one to talk with food in his mouth or make slurping noises 😖 but I get that it is uncomfortable with someone you don’t know. A trip to a museum/art gallery followed by a coffee sounds ideal.

Yeah I get you. Its just the chewing means not much talking. The over thinking. Spaghetti, burgers sauce. Salad. Then if you end up having a kiss onions. Garlic. Full bellies. It's great when you are comfortable. I dont particularly enjoy knife and fork meals with strangers. I eat at work fine with colleagues and infront of loads of people. But that feels different.

I've messaged him and said yeah once we've met up again we can then sort a meal for another date or I'll be super nervous.

Dunno what he will think. The problem for me lately is men give me the ick since my last relationship was so awful 😖

OP posts:
BobbiJo · 22/01/2025 21:42

"no thanks, love a coffee though. Starbucks or I know a little place that does excellent Hipster Brews..."

Heelworkhero · 22/01/2025 21:43

If you don’t want to do what he’s suggested (fine) but can’t think of a single thing you would like to do, then maybe dating isn’t for you.

Yes, I’d like to meet you but unable to think off something out of the literally thousands of options available.
I’d rain check if I were him!

Franjipanl8r · 22/01/2025 21:44

I would only ever go for a drink for a first date and keep it within 1.5 - 2 hours max. Long drawn out dates only add to the disappointment if either one of you doesn’t want a 2nd date.

DiscoBeat · 22/01/2025 21:44

Coffee and cake then?

Original poster
Moonpigdotcommmm · 22/01/2025 21:45

Heelworkhero · 22/01/2025 21:43

If you don’t want to do what he’s suggested (fine) but can’t think of a single thing you would like to do, then maybe dating isn’t for you.

Yes, I’d like to meet you but unable to think off something out of the literally thousands of options available.
I’d rain check if I were him!

Mean lol. I like doing stuff just wanted something abit different to meals.

OP posts:
AlleyRose · 22/01/2025 21:46

I totally agree with you OP!! I only like eating with people I know really well.

How about suggesting a walk somewhere where you could go for a coffee afterwards? That way you can chat lots but you're not having to stare into each other's faces!

Also, if you're not having a good time you can make your excuses after the walk and do a runner!

Poppyseeds79 · 22/01/2025 21:52

Well what do you like to do OP? I prefer a first date at a pub vs a cafe. Mostly because I'd prefer a nice glass of wine to a coffee, also because the lighting is generally more flattering 😅 Plus, I find doing the whole queue situation at a coffee shop annoying, and then it's generally louder than a quiet pub.

Greyish2025 · 22/01/2025 21:55

Ohnonotmeagain · 22/01/2025 21:13

Use your words.

i’d prefer just to go for a drink if that’s ok?

why don’t we go to the cinema instead?

etc.

Use your words

This is a completely patronising and silly thing to say to an adult woman, it’s the type of thing that is very commonly said to small children

Endofyear · 22/01/2025 21:55

Why not suggest a coffee date after a walk or meet up for a drink after work?