To make yet another school absence request?

[Kat2025]

DD is in Y3. At the end of Reception, we received a letter from the school alerting us to her attendance having dropped to 94%, which was due to two cases of vomiting and her catching Covid-19 twice in that year. Since then, she has only been sick occasionally, and nowhere near enough to raise any attendance issues.

The thing is, we have family abroad and are regularly invited to big events such as weddings. For example, in Y2, SIL1 got married in Central America (where the couple are from). For that occasion, I asked for - and was granted - two days off school, which helpfully took place right after half-term. This June, my uncle and aunt are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary in Germany (their home country), so I asked for two days off school, which I have not heard back about, yet.

Now, one of DH's cousins is getting married in Colombia (the couple's home country) a week before the 2025 Christmas holidays. With the flights the way they are to that particular corner of Colombia, DD would have to miss the last 6 days of the autumn term in Y4.

As an aside, there are plenty more cousins and even another SIL who all might get married in the Americas or in Germany in next few years, and obviously we cannot be sure that such events would take place during our school holidays. Perhaps I should not worry about what might or might not happen, but this possible trip to Colombia is stressing me out, even more over the school issue than over the expense. Still, family - even somewhat distant family whom we do not see much but get on fine with - is very important to us, and I would hate for us all to miss out on an opportunity to see the wider family and celebrate the couple's wedding. After all, the groom and his family travelled from Colombia to Scotland to attend our wedding.

I would really appreciate some advice because I don't think I am rational about school attendance anymore. Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom you might have.

YABU - your DD is missing far too much school over the years. Save the absence request for SIL2, should she and her boyfriend decide to tie the knot.

YANBU - before Y6, you can make a few absence requests, if these are for important family events. If the school administrators say no, you can always reconsider.

You are being unreasonable, not because you want to attend family events but because they’re not events for immediate family (an anniversary is particularly unreasonable). As a general rule of thumb, when discretion was allowed, which it pretty much isn’t anymore, both pupils and teachers are allowed absence for the wedding of parent, child, sibling. That’s it and usually only for one day. Your school is being pretty generous to allow anything above and beyond this.

Just don't tell them and pretend you all got sick.

I'm a primary school administrator. It's the headteacher who will review each request, not myself. They have to follow the government guidance on what can be approved. Weddings/funerals/special events like sports competitions where the child is representing a team etc get approved. A golden anniversary of a great aunt would not be approved, or holiday regardless of circumstances. May vary slightly among schools but has to be a 'good enough reason' and not a regular occurrence as this will trigger an attendance issue to be flagged.

@DreamW3aver I sent the form in and then returned it with DENIED written across it 🤣, like that's going to stop me . I mean, I even had written to them saying I have no control over this wedding day , it was mid week, and I'm not missing my brothers wedding , so my options are leave them at home alone , which I would be then be reported to social services or they attend a the wedding .

My sister did this , because my niece is young enough not to mention anything . My two ... being teens , can't hold their own water and told everybody we won't be in because we are going to my uncles wedding.

You knew the absence couldn't be authorised and I know I said this above but you dont need to ask permission you inform them of the dates you won't be in school and go off to the wwsding.

It's just the way the system works, talking about leaving the children behind and social services is daft, the schools doesn't make the rules. Children are out of school every day for all kinds of reasons, it is what it is not a reason for drama

My children (yr 8 and yr 6) have only ever missed school due to illness or medical appointments. I think for a v special occasion I'd take them out, but you seem to have a lot of special.occasions! They can't all be extremely important :)

@DreamW3aver i didn't mention to the school about social services , i was saying that this was my thought process . I told them the dates and that it was a family wedding . I was going to the wedding whether they gave permission or not , I was following the schools procedure by filling in the form.

No I genuinely wouldn't. I have taken my kids out of school for holidays infrequently over the years for special holidays with particular reasons for that year, but their absence rate was excellent, usually 100% or one day below, they've never got anywhere near 94%, that is a huge amount amount of missed school, even if it couldn't be helped, the holiday can be helped.

Absolutely this. They won’t authorise this reason as it’s not an important event to be honest.

@Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue as a Primary Teacher I also find this person’s response very surprising. It causes huge disruption to a child’s learning, particularly if they miss, for example, the start of a whole new topic in maths as they lose the building blocks of that topic and it’s really hard for them to totally catch up.

Totally agree and most teachers I have seen or know over the years would echo your statement. Thank you for the balance and I presume majority.

One point I never see mentioned when people take their kids out of school is the message it sends to children:

• school attendance isn’t important
• what you do and don’t learn at school doesn’t matter
• formal education generally isn’t that important
• causing disruption to your fellow classmates and the teacher doesn’t matter - your enjoyment/convenience/budget is what counts
• its fine to miss school if there is something more fun and interesting to do - a nice holiday, a family jolly, maybe just a day to the beach when the whether is nice? Or a duvet day with the iPad because you don’t fancy cross country in the rain?

There are 13 weeks a year of school holidays which is more than enough time for “cultural enrichment” (ha ha), seeing family and going on holiday. And if that means you can’t afford 10 days in an all-inclusive in Majorca then cut your cloth like the majority of people!

Is it any wonder that we have a persistent absence rate of over 20%?! That is not all accounted for by children who are ill or have genuine MH issues.

And this attitude will inevitably carry through to the workplace, if you don’t really need to turn up to school there’s something better then why go to work if you’re a bit hungover/feeling sad that you rowed with your girlfriend/would rather top up your tan in the park. So that bodes well for their future jobs/careers.

My kids won’t see yours for dust as they’ll have had maximum possible attendance school, achieved so much more of their potential (whatever that may be), will have developed resilience and a good work ethic and will have a world of opportunities open to them as a result. Just as I did as my parents (teacher and college principal) instilled in me the importance of education.

So best of luck to the kids of all of you who don’t care about education as they are really going to need it.

Wow, I didn't realise the response in England was so serious - to put on a DBS check is batshit insane - because someone has a different view on 'the value of education' and what this means - they get treated as if a danger to children and vulnerable people in some way? Absolutely mental. No wonder home education is on the rise.

A golden wedding?

I dont think those are reasons for taking your dd out of school.
Life is going to happen with relatives abroad you're going to have to prioritise or which one of you the family members are related to will need to go on their own if that important.
I say that as someone who lives a flight away from "home" too.

I agree with pp that you probably need to choose which occasions you will take your DD out of school for, so that her learning isn't compromised and the class is impacted as minimally as possible.

That said, I think the wider conversation and policies around school attendance have lost perspective. To be blunt, not all children will live to see the futures their education is building toward. I've known far too many young people who died before age 21 to begrudge kids the occasional time away from school for other experiences. Our children deserve to be able to participate in as much joy and family time and breadth of experience as they can. Life is too damn short and tomorrow is simply not promised to any of us.

That is not to say go wild and take kids out of school whenever wherever. Formal education is very important and rightly should be prioritized. But it is not the only important thing - ironically a lesson society seems to have forgotten.

(And yes, plan trips in terms breaks etc. I'm talking about where this is not possible - quite often the case with multinational families such as OPs family).

You might want to consider the new absence policy that the government introduced in August (if you're in England)
1st unauthorised absence is a fine (£80 for each child and each parent so £160 if you only have 1 child
2nd unauthorised absence is a bigger fine
3rd is court, no fine, just prosecution.

School are not going to authorise holiday no matter what it's for.

My son had 98% attendance last year, his only absence for illness. He learnt very little, thanks to the behaviour and learning level of some kids in his class (who I suspect have fetal alcohol syndrome and / or trauma and attachment issues). He could miss 50% of the school year and still be at / near the top of his year level - he's academically very capable and very motivated. If anything going to school every day demotivated him as he became more and more bored, and discouraged, and sometimes afraid given he witnessed two savage beatings in class, one of which involved police. This was not the fault of the teachers who did their best in very challenging circumstances and tried to give him extension work where possible.

We're hoping for better things this year, but don't worry. I'm not sweating the several days we're taking him out to visit overseas family (incorporating the term break), I can guarantee he will learn more with us on our trip than he did the entire last year at school. With probably less marijuana smoke, vapes & blood to avoid.

And no, private school & home school are not an option. This is what we've got for now. He just has to hang in there until he's 16 and all the "bad kids" have dropped out. Thankfully he's doing pretty well at this, otherwise we would pull him out.

I think some people have rose-tinted glasses when it comes to formal education. For us it's been great up until high school, which to be frank is a complete shit show.

This - I would take this insistence on attendance more seriously if my children were actually learning things on a daily basis. As it is, given how over- stretched things are, so much time seems to be wasted on behaviour management. With classes so large, there seems to be little tailoring, so my academic kids are stuck there listening to the same concept (that they understood the first time) explained for the nth time that week.

Also, most of the very successful people I know know the difference between presenteeism and actually getting stuff done.

There is a lot of problems with schools and need for investment. However if that is the way your child is being academically educated then they need to be there. Your child may not be stretched and sit there Tuesday and Thursday when they understood the concept on Monday but if they missed the week they miss the concept and the catch up days

I understand that it does seem a bit pointless though. (I’m autistic and maybe just stick too much to rules, without looking at the bigger picture).

youre going to do what you want anyway, YOUR holidays seem more important than the childs education

Surely if the child loses interest though, and stops focusing or having any kind of passion for learning, when you get to next Mondays concept, or the concept 10 Mondays down the line, they’ll no longer be listening. If I was bored senseless at work I wouldn’t try my best anymore, and if suddenly something came up that was hard I think it’d be difficult to shift gears and start working hard and paying attention again.

plus you get children who are told off for being disruptive and get a bad reputation at school, but it’s because they’re bored out their minds and so looking for something else to occupy them.

i agree with pp who said its presenteeism.
my friend home schools, her dc are in line with our other friends’ dc, but they only do about 2-3 hours traditional schooling a day.

That's exactly my perspective too. It's been so disheartening watching my keen, smart kid become more and more disillusioned with education and over time just checking out. And heartbreaking having to reassure him it's still ok to go to school after seeing his friend get his head bashed in with classroom furniture.

He told me he lets the troubled kids copy his work / gives them the answers when they ask, so they mostly are cool with him. I said that's absolutely fine, they're only cheating themselves, you do what you need to to keep yourself safe, because the school has its hands tied. This is education in crisis (in NZ anyway, and we're trying to copy the UK approach which will do absolutely nothing to address the real issues). The occasional holiday in term time is NOT the biggest problem or even a big problem - but it is the easiest one for politicians to posture about to make it look like they're Doing Something About Education 😒