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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him I don’t want to meet his parents until he considers me his girlfriend?

58 replies

Tinyterrapins · 22/01/2025 18:54

Perhaps I’m being very immature.

We’ve been dating since Oct. We work near one another which means we see each other almost daily. We’ve talked about the future quite a lot. I’ve met most of his friends. It feels very much like a relationship. Although it’s been a short span of time, we’ve spent a lot of hours together in that time.

However, I’ve only ever heard him refer to me as “the person i’m seeing” or “the woman I’m dating”.

I was shocked last weekend when he introduced me to someone as his friend.

I’m supposed to go to his mum’s 70th in a couple of weeks. I’ve never met any of his family.

While i’m pleased to be asked, I can’t help but feel a bit like accompanying him to a family event is a girlfriend job, and not for someone he’s just “seeing”.

Granted I’ve had a stressful day at work so I’m a bit grumpy today anyway, but I spent my lunch break unsuccessfully trying to find something to wear for the dinner, and it just dawned on me that it’s feeling like a lot of stress and effort, for someone who doesn’t even consider me his girlfriend.

We’re both in our mid 40s so perhaps people don’t use that word so much, but he refers to his exes as he “ex-girlfriend(s)” all the time!

OP posts:

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 19:00

I dunno about this one op

I'm with you and understand that you want that reassurance.

But, at 40, is he likely to take it seriously? And calling you his girlfriend could just be something he says, he doesn't have to mean it

Have you discussed where your relationship is going? Fidelity etc? I would lead with that talk and then bring up wanting to be known as his go

Quitelikeit · 22/01/2025 19:02

at your age I think you ought to be a bit more patient

the fact he is letting you meet his nearest and dearest is a great sign so I think you need to wait until around the 6 month mark possibly a bit longer

if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

partygate · 22/01/2025 19:06

communication is important. I would lay it out for him - what are we? Friends like you suggested the other week or bf/gf? You can say in a straightforward way that you enjoy where you are and feel like it’s a relationship. If he doesn’t say gf then I’d tell him let’s skip the family intros until we both want to be more serious. Then rethink if he’s keen enough.

mollymazda · 22/01/2025 19:08

i think the term 'boyfriend/girlfriend' is a bit icky in your 40's.. why do you need a badge or label?

october is only a few months.. even the youngsters of today wouldnt want girlfriend status at this point.

Original poster

Tinyterrapins · 22/01/2025 19:11

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 19:00

I dunno about this one op

I'm with you and understand that you want that reassurance.

But, at 40, is he likely to take it seriously? And calling you his girlfriend could just be something he says, he doesn't have to mean it

Have you discussed where your relationship is going? Fidelity etc? I would lead with that talk and then bring up wanting to be known as his go

We have. We’ve been dating exclusively for a long time now. Since a month into meeting. There’s nothing to indicate it isn’t going well, except this.

OP posts:

Itstaxmonth · 22/01/2025 19:14

Tinyterrapins · 22/01/2025 19:11

We have. We’ve been dating exclusively for a long time now. Since a month into meeting. There’s nothing to indicate it isn’t going well, except this.

Show quote history

How do you know the dating is exclusive OP? Have you had a chat about it?

I’d ask him to clarify if you are his girlfriend or not

PizzaPunk · 22/01/2025 19:14

Yeah it's probably the word 'girlfriend'.

I think a lot of over 40s might say 'other half' or something but rarely boyfriend/girlfriend.

User09678 · 22/01/2025 19:14

Maybe he's not keen on the term girlfriend because I thought you were 20 until you said you were 40s. Perhaps the word 'partner' seems a shade more serious than girlfriend, and you're not there yet....

It's entirely how you feel though. It's a great sign he's introducing you to friends and family. But if you feel you ought to be further along than he seems to want to acknowledge maybe have a chat, "are we just friends?" "Are we exclusive"?

Original poster

Tinyterrapins · 22/01/2025 19:17

Itstaxmonth · 22/01/2025 19:14

How do you know the dating is exclusive OP? Have you had a chat about it?

I’d ask him to clarify if you are his girlfriend or not

Show quote history

Because a month into meeting he directly asked me if I’d like to date exclusively. We spend a lot of time together so there’s no danger he’s seeing anyone else.

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 22/01/2025 19:18

Girlfriend boyfriend over about 25 is a weird term, I started dating my OH when I was 45 and when we went exclusive we just said person I'm seeing, when we moved in it was partner and now it's just names, Hi this is Bill, or this is Karen etc.

Collette78 · 22/01/2025 19:19

I think if you know that you are exclusively seeing each other and are confident with how things are going I wouldn’t worry too much about the terminology.

I prefer partner or other half etc rather than girlfriend (I’m also mid 40s) … so perhaps he just doesn’t like that specific word?

Don’t worry about words, it’s actions you need to watch … you’ve met his friends, he wants you to meet his family, I think you are all good 👍

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2025 19:20

I agree with you. What do his parents think you are, his friend? What’s he going to call you at the birthday?

Ineedaholidayyyy · 22/01/2025 19:20

Is it not just the term? I'm in my 30s but i hate using the word "boyfriend" it just seems childish. I think the fact he wants to introduce you is a good thing, I think you are overthinking it

WallaceinAnderland · 22/01/2025 19:21

The term partner is very broad. I'd go with that.

Ace56 · 22/01/2025 19:21

I would probably jokingly say ‘so how are you going to introduce me at the party? As your friend like you did with X?’ and see what he says

Itstaxmonth · 22/01/2025 19:22

Tinyterrapins · 22/01/2025 19:17

Because a month into meeting he directly asked me if I’d like to date exclusively. We spend a lot of time together so there’s no danger he’s seeing anyone else.

Show quote history

that’s good you’ve had that discussion.

I think nowadays a lot of people are “seeing” each other for longer, at least that’s what I’ve learnt from dating shows 😆

Many will say they’ve been dating someone for months at a time in the recent past, but then say they’ve not had a boyfriend/girlfriend in years. So I’m like ah that last person didn’t count as a gf/bf?!

Personally I would expect girlfriend around the 3 month mark though.I appreciate to some girlfriend/boyfriend isn’t the title they want after a certain age but I think it’s better than friend.

I was shocked last weekend when he introduced me to someone as his friend.

This would put me right off a man if he described me as a friend especially if we
were sexually active with each other.

Arlanymor · 22/01/2025 19:27

Doggymummar · 22/01/2025 19:18

Yep this, my last partner was just that, would have been weird to call him a boyfriend in our late 30s. You know you’re exclusive and he’s invited you to a big family event. I’d rather just be introduced by my name and then people generally make the connection that you’re the special person he’s been talking about.

modernshmodern · 22/01/2025 19:28

I would go to the party and see how he is around his family about you. It may be he's uncomfortable with the wording girlfriend, partner etc.

I remember when dh and I were dating I would describe him to friends as "that guy I'm seeing " and then I discovered to him I was "our lass " (up north term for girlfriend ) I thought it was very sweet.

Tisthedamnseason · 22/01/2025 19:30

I'd say how he acts is more important. He's treating you like a girlfriend - wanted to be exclusive, wants you to meet his family etc.
And I guess you don't hear how he refers to you that often - I mean, he may have said to his mum "I'm bringing my girlfriend" or he may say to colleagues when talking about weekends "I met up with my girlfriend" and you wouldn't hear any of that.

Mydahliasareshit · 22/01/2025 19:34

You could try something fairly lighthearted with a smile on your face so it doesn't seem 'heavy vibes'.

'Hey Crispin, we'd better get our story straight before that family knees-up. Am I to be introduced as mate, girlfriend, wench or partner in crime? You know I would never want to embarrass you!'

Then see where the conversation leads.

Glitchymn1 · 22/01/2025 19:36

Are there any children involved in either side, what are the ages?
Any previous marriages on either side?

Createausername1970 · 22/01/2025 19:41

Agree that it might be that "girlfriend" does sound a bit teenagery. Partner is a preferable, I guess, but maybe a bit soon to label someone a partner after 3 or 4 months.

What do you call him? All the way through your post (and the heading) you referred to him as "him" or "he" you didn't use a label. Pot Kettle?

But the fact you are going to meet his family at an important family event speaks volumes.

Supergel1 · 22/01/2025 19:41

This would piss me off.

Wants you exclusively so you're not shagging anyone else.

Wants female company at this family gatherings.

But won't call you his girlfriend in a social setting - screams 'I'm keeping my options open'.

This age this is bollocks. Last guy I dated was in his 50s and was very clear he wanted to call me his girlfriend - everyone knows what it means and it's unambiguous.

Partner isn't the right term. Friend is definitely not the right term either.

Supergel1 · 22/01/2025 19:43

Mydahliasareshit · 22/01/2025 19:34

You could try something fairly lighthearted with a smile on your face so it doesn't seem 'heavy vibes'.

'Hey Crispin, we'd better get our story straight before that family knees-up. Am I to be introduced as mate, girlfriend, wench or partner in crime? You know I would never want to embarrass you!'

Then see where the conversation leads.

Why should she be lighthearted? Why not just say 'oi why did you introduce me as your FRIEND to people last week? I was really hurt. I'm meeting your family - what the fuck? I'm your girlfriend and you're my boyfriend. Aren't we?'

That's what I'd say anyway. If he gets 'scared' (oh boo hoo) or behaves like a dick then you have your answer.

Olika · 22/01/2025 19:46

I personally don't like his choice of words as it makes me feel like you are not that important. I agree with the PPs about bringing it up in a relaxed way and ask him how he is planning on introducing you to his family. Maybe it's a good idea to go to this party and see how he is treating you and taking care of you (eg he just leaves you on your own) and then make decision on if you want to continue being with him.

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