Is this a fair way to split finances?

[BittySpider]

It’s my Son and his partner so I know it’s realistically none of my business but had an convo with him today and wondering if I am being unfair thinking this is unreasonable?

My Son and his partner are getting married in the summer. The live together. The topic of finances came up today as we were discussing the wedding and we have offered them a few K towards it.

He told me that the way they have always split their finances is that they have a joint account both wages are paid into. All direct debits for bills come out of that account including house, bills, subscriptions etc. Food shop money also comes out of that. Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day and this is to cover all personal expensive such as their phones, petrol, coffees, clothes etc. He said they don’t take from the joint unless absolutely necesssary and if one of them runs out they might say to the other can I borrow a tenner and then on payday they will give it the other person back out of their personal allowance.

I asked about takeaways or date nights and he said one person will usually cover it out of their “pocket money” but they don’t take it out of the joint unless it was a special treat like an anniversary. All holidays and other joint costs come out of the joint but as they’re getting married all of wedding costs are being paid from the money building up in the joint account. He said if one of them had their car break down then they’d take money out of the joint to fix it too. He also said they both have their own personal savings accounts too but these are currently neglected due to paying for wedding.

FWIW my DIL earns much more than him. DS doesn’t earn much more than minimum wage. I know it’s none of my business so I won’t say anything but AIBU to think this is a bit tight? Personally I think bills should be split proportionately to what they earn. The amount that they take out each for pocket money isn’t a lot and he’d have a lot more left over if they split it differently.

Absolutely nothing to do with you, you even asking the questions means you’re overthinking what they want to do. If you bring it up you could cause a real rift between you all. Stay out of it, would be my advice!

Wow so you want her to keep paying more and more to keep your son above his pay grade…. Nice!

That’s how we sort finances out and DH earns more than me.

The more I read of your post the more ‘wow’ I feel! So you really think because she earns more than him, that he should never treat her to a meal or takeaway?
all I’ve read in your posts, is “I think”. Just stop!
Your son sounds like a great future husband, it’s a good job he doesn’t take after you, if ishe was her on here saying I’m paying so much more and he never treats me to anything or takes me out, what do you think mumsnet would be telling her?
he’s doing a good job, leave them alone and keep your mean ideas to yourself. You’ve been happy for your husband to keep you and now you want a woman to keep your son!

Sometimes I've been the main earner, sometimes DH. We don't have my money or his money. The pocket money idea seems fair actually. It's nice to feel presents or treats aren't just going on the shared credit card!

Sound like a bunch of losers- feel sorry for the girl

We pooled our money in a similar way even though he earned 4 X my wage. We just didn't do the pocket money thing - if we needed something we took it out of the joint account. It worked because we have similar spending habits and completely trust each other.

Items over say 100 we ran past each other. In recent years we've agreed there is no need unless it's a much larger amount.

Now I'm the only money earner and our money is pooled as it has always been.

I think your son and his soon to be wife seem to have forged a real partnership - good on them!

PS the amount of the pocket money is surely something they would negotiate over time. Given they have a wedding coming up and he's on minimal wage it does make sense they are being frugal right now.

This thread has to go into MN classics 🤣 absolutely hilarious.

if the government want an argument for why financial planning should be taught in school, they just need to read OP posts. How on earth does her point make any sense?!

Poor DIL.

So basically you are unhappy your deary son can’t take advantage of the money your future dil is earning and that she should pay much more?
then I guess also bear the children, birth them, taking care of them whilst also keeping up with the lifestyle you want for your son.

I have a better idea. Why don’t you send to the couple a little extra cash which will be distributed as they see fit so 50/50?

Get used to having someone sharing all your son has 🤷🏼‍♀️

You’re doing some really bad maths here if you think this is in any way unfair on your son 😂

If your son and DIL have the same personal money each month, then they are paying for bills proportionally, just like you’d want.

Plus, what’s the difference (other than the difference in name) between the ‘lump sum’ your husband gave you and the ‘pocket money’ your son has?

I think this is a worry you can safely let go of.

But she is covering more of the bills as they both pay all of their money into the joint account. Your DS is getting a better quality of life than he can afford on his own salary. Also she is taking out exactly the same as him. Very often the high earner feels entitled to more spending money as they earn more but your DS is blessed to have such a lovely partner. Honestly he has a good deal and he knows it, please stay out of it!

I don't understand why they are getting married if they are keeping separate finances.

They aren't keeping separate finances.

Are you related to the OP?

If they have separate personal accounts and savings accounts then they have separate finances.
No I am not related to the OP.

What's FWIW ?

For what it’s worth

I don’t understand this. If they were to break up after marriage, the assets/savings etc would be split 50/50. And he’s not losing all of his money is he ? They’re each putting in their total wage to pay towards various things, and taking out the same amount of pocket money. By your reasoning if DiL paid her proportion of the bills and kept what was left for herself it would be a lot more than £500. They’re being financially wise and making sure they’re contributing towards what they need in the future, and putting savings aside. I’d leave them to it if I were you - he’s getting a good deal.

They’re not. They have a joint account into which both their salaries are paid, and they each take out the same amount of spending money. How is that separate finances ?

Just got a sneaky feeling if it was the other way around and DS earnt more you’d be fine with this arrangement.

Because they have separate personal accounts and savings accounts. I'm not saying they shouldn't, but it isn't shared finances. If it was then why would they need to have separate accounts?

This isn’t correct either - they don’t each take £1000, they take £500. So it would be £4500 in pot, £1000 out in total - £500 each. He’s contributing £1000 to the joint account and she is contributing £2500. So he’s contributing roughly 66% of his salary to her 83%.

But that’s not what OP said. They have a joint account where both wages are paid in. The joint account pays for everything - bills and savings towards various things, including the wedding, plus all incidentals. They don’t have separate savings accounts, they each have a personal account into which exactly the same amount of spending money is transferred from the joint account. We have a similar set up and each have a spin off account from the main one into which both our salaries are paid. Each month we transfer our agreed spending money into our own accounts and have our own debit cards. It’s just easier to keep track of your spending if it’s out of a dedicated account - the finances are still joint as both salaries are pooled for everything.

I also have a sneaky feeling that this isn’t OP’s only problem with future DiL.

And in effect she’s contributing a lot more than that because ALL of their respective wages go into the joint account and they both have the same amount of spending money even though she earns more. This isn’t a difficult concept, it’s simple maths.

Exactly. Which is why I don’t think it is fair. She is losing out rather than putting in a %.