Is this a fair way to split finances?

[BittySpider]

It’s my Son and his partner so I know it’s realistically none of my business but had an convo with him today and wondering if I am being unfair thinking this is unreasonable?

My Son and his partner are getting married in the summer. The live together. The topic of finances came up today as we were discussing the wedding and we have offered them a few K towards it.

He told me that the way they have always split their finances is that they have a joint account both wages are paid into. All direct debits for bills come out of that account including house, bills, subscriptions etc. Food shop money also comes out of that. Then they both transfer themselves the exact same amount from the joint account on pay day and this is to cover all personal expensive such as their phones, petrol, coffees, clothes etc. He said they don’t take from the joint unless absolutely necesssary and if one of them runs out they might say to the other can I borrow a tenner and then on payday they will give it the other person back out of their personal allowance.

I asked about takeaways or date nights and he said one person will usually cover it out of their “pocket money” but they don’t take it out of the joint unless it was a special treat like an anniversary. All holidays and other joint costs come out of the joint but as they’re getting married all of wedding costs are being paid from the money building up in the joint account. He said if one of them had their car break down then they’d take money out of the joint to fix it too. He also said they both have their own personal savings accounts too but these are currently neglected due to paying for wedding.

FWIW my DIL earns much more than him. DS doesn’t earn much more than minimum wage. I know it’s none of my business so I won’t say anything but AIBU to think this is a bit tight? Personally I think bills should be split proportionately to what they earn. The amount that they take out each for pocket money isn’t a lot and he’d have a lot more left over if they split it differently.

This is a bonkers way to think. They are a team? Therefore they are equal and should have the same money left at the end of each month. I am the lower earner and my husband probably earns around 4x what i do. We calculate all of our outgoings and then whatever is left, we split between us. This means that every month he transfers me money and leaves us both with the same amount of money to play around with.

But it's not her fault he's a low earner! If he earns 1500
She earns 3000
4500 in pot
1000 out to each.
He's only contributed 500 to joint acc and she's contributed 2000. So he is proportionately paying much less.
He's saying 33% of his salary to bills. And she's paying 66%.
Simple maths..
She's a fool.. id be making him get a better job. Hows that going to work if they decide to have a family and the higher earner can't contribute for up to a year?

Can’t you do basic maths ? She is putting more into joint acc?!?!?

Where's the protection for the higher earner?

The real bills are paid out of the joint pot. She contributes more to the joint pot. Therefore she is coving more of the bills. And contributes more to whatever joint savings they have. Actually I think they are an extremely well-organised couple compared with most, and wish them every happiness.

I don’t follow your logic? If he earns £1000 and gets £200 pocket money he’s paying 80% of his salary into the joint. If she earns £2000 and gets the same pocket money she’s paying 90% of her salary into the joint so whichever way you look at it £ amount or % she is contributing more!

This is what we do - DH earns twice what I do but we have the same "fun money" as we are a team and your contribution doesn't have to be financial to be "equal" to your family.

It works out best for everyone as we use the rest of the pooled resources to do fun family stuff, which we couldn't do if he was forever needing me to pay my "share" when I earn less.

If either of us runs out each month it's just tough shit - I never "borrow" any off him, I just have to accept I can't afford something until next pay day. He never runs out as he is really tight! 😂

If DH ever suggested he should get more cos he earns more I would just present him with the absolutely massive list of all the shit I do for the family that enables him to do his job and that he doesn't have to think about on top

I don’t think it is. If she earns a lot more it should be a %.

So if she earns 60% of the joint income she should contribute 60% into the joint.

Your Son is a lucky man to have found such a generous partner.

We do something very similar. I am the higher earner in our relationship. I don’t think DH feels hard done to. We each have the same amount of money at the end of the month and it is fair. We have children and split the expenses the same way - DS and DSD - so it is swings and roundabouts really.

I agree.

He's getting a good deal. I can't understand why you don't see this.

I wish her mother would come on here and ask for advice on her daughter’s part.

I subsidised a former partner who earned less. He was crap with money, but didn’t have to worry about it because I was covering the larger share of bills, and also sharing what I had left equally with him. It made me so resentful, and I would never do that again.

You own half the house, you pay for half the house. If that doesn’t leave you enough for coffees and nights out, you look to earn more money. I’m very happy to treat a partner to meals out, holidays, whatever, but I’m not subsidising month after month to the detriment of my own spending and saving.

Caveat that mutually agreed work and childcare arrangements might change things when kids come along!

You’re one of those enabling Son Mums aren’t you. What kind of man do you want you son to be? You want his fiancé to keep him? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Got to be a fake post.

So...he should be getting more pocket money....which in this situation can only happen if she gets less (and, thus, even less than him)?

She's being very kind especially as it'll be her career most affected by any future maternity leave impacts on career etc.

The takeaway thing is a red herring. May be because otherwise takeaways would get out of control/more of a habit if always out of the joint account.

They both agree that it’s fair to them. They both take the same amount to have as their personal money after bills are paid and the rest is being saved for their wedding.

My partner and I add our wages together each month, pay all the bills and then split the rest evenly between us. We don’t have a joint account but we do transfer it all into my account for all bills to go out of and then i’ll transfer half of the remaining money back to him.

You just know that if and when they have kids, her ‘fun money’ will go on stuff for them and his will continue to be spent on coffees and five-a-side fees.

No, I don't think this happens, maybe some do, but not in my experience. Sounds like he has a good deal, they both take out the same personal money so she's leaving more of her earnings in joint account. So basically she is leaving the lump sum? Xx

But isn't that really what's happening anyway OP - but this is a way to not make him feel crap about it?

E.g -

Money into joint account per month - SON - £1600
DIL - £3000

All costs expenses and savings
£4200

Spending money each - £150 (or whatever is left, maths not my strong suit!)

So your DIL in this situation is contributing double to all household bills and savings, compared to your son. So whatever % that is - but at least 50% more than him

This seems like a lovely way to do it without your son feeling like she has much more money than him and is always treating him to everything....

This thread is so confusing!

How can OP think her son has got the worse deal?

Me and DH have a joint account, and we both have a separate personal account.

Both our salaries get paid into the joint account.

We each have £400 transferred into our personal accounts for our individual spending money, and everything else gets paid for out of the joint account.

My husband earns about four times more than me, yet we still have the same amount of personal spends each month so technically he covers a huge percentage of all our household costs whereas my contribution is little in comparison.

I’m not sure how in the eyes of the OP that means I’ve got the short end of the stick?!

All sounds very fair to me (and it's the same way my husband and I do it).

They have the same pocket money, which is fair. Excess money, funded mainly or solely by her, goes into savings to benefit them both in the long term. She earns a lot more, they get the same amount to spend. How on earth can you think it’s unfair on him?! She is exceptionally generous. Your logic is very flawed OP, please never mention your thoughts to either of them. Because you are completely WRONG!

Oh my days Op, you are just not getting it are you? It sounds like your DS and DIL have a good relationship and have worked out a (very) fair budget that works for them.
If she earns more, why should DS have more "pocket money" than her. Be grateful and stop worrying about something that is none of your business.
They will both have more cash when we'd anyway.

This looks like the perfect way to operate to me and provides good control and oversight of income and expenses.

35 yrs in, and we have done it like this with no issues. At times, one or the other of us has been contributing more to the pot, but we are a team.

We also call it pocket money. Because that is what it is, money in your pocket for personal incidentals and treats.

If it was a percentage split she would have more fun money than him as she earns more. As it is equal it means she is contributing more to savings than he is.

They are living frugally to save for their wedding as a common goal they have agreed on.