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Original poster

All my sisters are single mums

61 replies

LadyOutOfLuck · 22/01/2025 11:01

Name changed for this.

Just that really. All my sisters (3 of us all together and I'm in the middle) are single mums.

I was with DC dad for 10 years before divorce.

Older sister was with DC dad for 8 - 10 years before her LO was born and they separated during pregnancy.

Youngest was with DC dad for less than 3 years before they had my nephew and they spilt up immediately after also.

Our parents were together for most of our childhood until I was 15. Mum remarried, dad didn't.

I don't know what I'm asking, but I do feel a sense of shame. All the dads are absolute shit. I don't know how we all made the same mistakes with partners.

I have a new partner now who is wonderful but I struggle with that part of insecurity, thinking that maybe he will be shit and I've chosen badly again. Or we:ll have kids and I'll end up a single mum again with more kids. It's really affected my sense of worth.

OP posts:
DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 22/01/2025 11:04

You could view if the other way around - be proud that all three of you, and your mum, are able to spot when a relationship is not working and find an independent way forward.

yeesh · 22/01/2025 11:06

my Mum has been divorced twice, I’m proud that she didn’t stay in a shitty relationship and made the choice to give us a happy home. My sister is also divorced and the example my mum set us gave her the confidence to leave and build a better life for herself and her children.

focus on your new happy life. Anyone can get into a bad relationship but not everyone is able to get out, be glad you did x

CharSiu · 22/01/2025 11:10

So was it like a slowly boiling frog. Your ex partners did low level stuff and you knew it was not great but chose to ignore hoping they would change? That’s what happens often or in cases of actual abuse men change radically when women become pregnant or they marry.

Shame about being a single parent in western culture is outdated now. It’s because it’s very much the rights of the individual over the family. I mean culturally it’s still deemed very bad to divorce in my culture, it’s less about the individual and more about the unit, plus you lose face. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

Snorlaxo · 22/01/2025 11:14

You should be proud that the kids aren’t forced to live in toxic/abusive/crappy home lives because of some misguided notion that it’s best for the kids for parents to stay together no matter what happens. Too many kids are in “families” that would be happier if the adults weren’t together because while the adults love the kids, they do not love each other so are setting a terrible relationship role model to the kids who are more likely to stay in dysfunctional situations as they end up seeing it as the norm.

New relationships are a gamble and I understand that the stakes are even higher when you have kids but all you can do is learn from past mistakes and keep your eyes open- even when what you see is something that you don’t want to admit to yourself.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 22/01/2025 11:15

Put the shame where it belongs, on the dads.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 22/01/2025 11:19

CharSiu · 22/01/2025 11:10

So was it like a slowly boiling frog. Your ex partners did low level stuff and you knew it was not great but chose to ignore hoping they would change? That’s what happens often or in cases of actual abuse men change radically when women become pregnant or they marry.

Shame about being a single parent in western culture is outdated now. It’s because it’s very much the rights of the individual over the family. I mean culturally it’s still deemed very bad to divorce in my culture, it’s less about the individual and more about the unit, plus you lose face. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

Where does it mention the ex partners doing that? They may well have done, but we’re only getting one side of the story here.

laveritable · 22/01/2025 12:01

Single mums are the HEROES , who stay and do the job of two people with one arm tied! No shame here!

JHound · 22/01/2025 12:09

Same with my family. All my sisters / step-sisters / female cousins are single mothers (none were married) with trash men for their kids fathers. The only ones who avoided this are unmarried / childless.

I can’t even feel ashamed as it seems so normalised I don’t know why. My niece is also a single mom and her son’s dad has always been trash and is now absent.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 22/01/2025 12:24

This has made me sad - it's everything wrong with society these days

Being a single mum is not something to be ashamed of, op. You haven't failed.

Marriages end. People separate. Men leave women and kids, it has happened since the dawn of time and happens in every single society and class background

Yet single 'babymums' are held up as the symbol of broken britain. Sick of it!

The fact that your mum raised sane children is a success. The fact that you're raising your children is a success. Being left by a man doesn't define you. Do you have careers, goals? Those are what defines you.

Keep your head up, op. As long as a man isn't harming your life and kids, enjoy them and enjoy life x

Edit
Fwiw my mother had me with some guy and then met my sd and married him and had more. He's gay and treats her terribly, (she was a single mum to me and half sibs, he did very little) but she's still 'married' so it's all alright apparently!

LadyGreyson · 22/01/2025 12:24

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JHound · 22/01/2025 12:53

There is a reason children with divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves and it's because they don't have good partner choice, effective communication and conflict resolution modelled by their parents.

Is this true @LadyGreyson

Mabelface · 22/01/2025 13:11

Years ago, me and 2 of my sisters were the same. It was actually wonderful. We supported each other, our kids were close and we gave each other the chance to have time out. As our kids grew, we met new partners and got married. I had more kids, they didn't. All of the kids look back fondly at that time. 3 strong women raising happy, well adjusted and supported kids. Nothing wrong with that AT all.

SnailFail · 22/01/2025 13:27

Can you now, looking back, identify the early signs that your ex was not a good man? Have you learned from it? If not, I'd say do some therapy or a course specifically aimed at how to forge healthy relationships and knowing which flaws can be worked on and which flaws scream 'run for the hills'.

For different reasons I had no model of a healthy relationship growing up either, and was acutely aware that I needed to learn this so I didn't end up in a bad relationship. I did an enormous amount of reading and learning, and now I'm confident I know what to look for in a person, how to stress test the relationship, how to spot early signs of incompatibility, and how to avoid getting too emotionally entangled before you are confident they are decent. Lust puts the blinkers on!

Daisyvodka · 22/01/2025 13:28

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Do you not think it's more likely that children of divorce know that divorcing is better for a family than staying together miserably?

Snorlaxo · 22/01/2025 13:31

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If all of the marriages broke down for the same reason eg one parent is an alcoholic or an addict then you might have a point but we don’t know why the relationships broke down.

LadyGreyson · 22/01/2025 13:37

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mrsm43s · 22/01/2025 13:39

Daisyvodka · 22/01/2025 13:28

Do you not think it's more likely that children of divorce know that divorcing is better for a family than staying together miserably?

Show quote history

The opposite of divorce is not staying together miserably. Successful marriages are not miserable, they're joyous. Not all marriages are dysfunctional. Making good choices minimises the chance of dysfunction and maximises the chance of success (but obviously there's never any guarantee, and people can hide their real selves). Having had a healthy, successful marriage modelled to you will absolutely help you see red flags and be in a better place to make good choices.

100% no-one should stay in a miserable or dysfunctional marriage.

I find it sad that a lot of people on this thread seem to think the only options are divorce or a dysfunctional marriage!

LadyGreyson · 22/01/2025 13:39

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doyouknowthemuffinman42 · 22/01/2025 13:41

SnailFail · 22/01/2025 13:27

Can you now, looking back, identify the early signs that your ex was not a good man? Have you learned from it? If not, I'd say do some therapy or a course specifically aimed at how to forge healthy relationships and knowing which flaws can be worked on and which flaws scream 'run for the hills'.

For different reasons I had no model of a healthy relationship growing up either, and was acutely aware that I needed to learn this so I didn't end up in a bad relationship. I did an enormous amount of reading and learning, and now I'm confident I know what to look for in a person, how to stress test the relationship, how to spot early signs of incompatibility, and how to avoid getting too emotionally entangled before you are confident they are decent. Lust puts the blinkers on!

What did you read if you don't mind sharing please?

Moveoverdarlin · 22/01/2025 13:41

What attracted you and your sisters to the absolute shits in the first place? Were they good, decent men initially and then they turned? Or were they absolute shits to begin with?

JHound · 22/01/2025 13:43

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I have seen that people raised by divorced parents are more likely to divorce. But nothing suggesting the causality you have.

JHound · 22/01/2025 13:44

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Source?

dottydodah · 22/01/2025 13:45

LadyGreyson My friend and her sisters are all divorced! However her parents were together for 50 years until her dad died.Her parents were happy and DF had a great family home .Everyone s situation is unique ,life now is very different and women don want to be in an unhappy marriage .I dont see why youre "ashamed" I am in my 50s and nearly all my friends are divorced ,or have DC who are ,Whats the big deal?

Moveoverdarlin · 22/01/2025 13:45

Research indicates that children of divorced parents are statistically more likely to experience divorce themselves compared to individuals from intact families.

CardinalCat · 22/01/2025 13:53

You are viewing divorce as a fault, or a failure. Can I suggest, kindly, that you reframe your way of thinking? Divorce enables people to escape from unhappy or unsafe situations and to forge a new path that is better for them and their family. It's not giving up, or tapping out. It can be viewed as a positive step forward in life. It also statistically is as likely to happen to a couple as not, so having here sisters all separated is not quite an anomaly! Isn't it good that you were all able to move on?