A difficult conversation

[apricitykomorebi]

My son is currently in 2nd year at uni. After the first term, he seems to have decided it's not for him and is considering dropping out. As his parent I am obviously concerned although I recognise that he is basically an adult now and I can't decide anything for him or make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

In a way I am not even really sure what I am concerned about. Perhaps, it's the uncertainty over his future (he doesn't know what he wants to do, just keeps saying he doesn't want to continue studying) and the fact that he will now have 2 years' worth of university debt plus living support that we have provided with absolutely nothing to show for it and nothing to explain this time on his CV for future employers.

I also don't really know how to approach a conversation about future financial support. I don't want to be cruel and tell him that I don't want to continue funding his living expenses if he doesn't study and that he needs to find a job. He is not opposed to looking for a job but obviously wouldn't know how long it will take. While I don't mind supporting him, at the same time I feel that I have to stop doing it because he is not a baby anymore and if he makes a decision not to study, then he must work out an alternative plan for his life as an adult. I may sound pathetic but I don't feel comfortable having this conversation as I don't want to damage our relationship and I don't want him to think that all I care about is money.

If you have any suggestions/ideas/advice you could share, I will gratefully listen. Thank you in advance. 😊

@PinkCrab his personal tutor will be best placed to advise on the specific options available to him

Thank you so much for your advice and for taking time to write such a detailed response. I will speak to him about that and suggest to make an appointment to see his tutor.

I would remind him that this is the most difficult stage of any degree and if he can push on through it should get better and easier

ask him what software he plans on using to edit with... sounds like he's put zero thought into it at all, don't get me wrong people can make money, but if you copy what everyone else is doing you either need to be doing it better or offering something in unique to you.

Can I just ask - how much do you know about becoming an influencer/youtuber - because I know a fair bit, and unless you get incredibly, incredibly lucky, 99.99% of content creators will never make a living from it. There are literally millions of people out there who will never make it. Think of actors, or singers - the success rate is impossibly low. And unless you perform a miracle and put out something that goes globally viral, most content creators who now earn a living full time worked alongside content creation for years. It's not a first step career option to make money at all. He might as well have told you he's going to become a famous actor.

This happened to my sibling in year 2.

My parents first visited them in the uni location, to seek to establish how they were more generally (down and with relationship problems, doing badly with and not enjoying studies, but not depressed) and discuss their options and suggest some pros/cons of each option.

Having done that, sibling was keen to drop out of the course and remain where they were living. Parents had the hard conversation about what further short term financial support they’d provide (small anount of money and/or free housing for a short time if returned to theirs) and expectation that sibling would find work or seek benefits. Offered non financial help.

sibling found work with prospects quickly, and lived in their uni town for a number of years. Sibling likes their career choice overall and has done well at it, but in retrospect thinks working harder and completing a degree could have opened other doors.

This was in better economic times

He wants to do You Tube but about what subject? What would the content be about, surely he must have something in mind?

Would the content be about something he is passionate about?

I dropped out of full time uni at end of year 2. I struggled with the coursework deadlines and if I'm honest, the social side of it as well (I was at Uni at 17 and didn't have the confidence to try to join in with the drinking/socialising in pubs, student unions etc).

I was also in a relationship that was not good for me. Spending every spare minute with them and day dreaming about getting a place together and shutting out the outside world.

Life just does not work like that.

You have to work for what you want.

I think some tough love is needed OP.

You are doing your son no favours indulging him. Youtube is simply not a viable option, I'm sure i read for every 100,000 views a video earns a £100 if there's advertising and sponsors. The viewing figures required to sustain an income to live would be in the millions per week and no offence, it's simply not going to happen.

I'd be concerned he was feeling down tbh. So my approach would be to welcome him back home and discuss how he envisaged it all working.

I wouldn't be demanding money from him but I'd be telling him that my expectation is for him to find work / identify further study etc and then a further discussion around what he should be expected to pay for and what you will support him with and for how long

So I'd be clear but also kind. Unless he's a real pain in the arse with a long history of fucking about, he's a very young adult, he's your child and he's worth helping out without being all guns blazing

There might be a chance to pivot to a different degree within the same institution? My friend started off doing history, moved onto politics in the 2nd year, and graduated in the 3rd year with a sociology degree 😀 Other posters have offered advice about getting a certificate or diploma in higher education to use as credit at another institution or the Open University.

I haven’t RTFT so unsure if PP have mentioned this. However, if he has passed full year(s) of his course then he will be able to get a certificate which varies depending how many years he completed. My DS dropped out after 2nd year and it has been the absolute making of him. He has a career he enjoys and is good at, everyone he bumps in to from home comments to us about how he is absolutely loving life. All is not lost, OP.

Nailed it.

‘You’re welcome to come home if uni not for you - but you will immediately need to sign on with the job Centre to claim universal credit as you are an adult and need to pay your way from the beginning as you look for a job.’

uc will force him to job search / get a job or he he will be sanctioned.

don’t give him money. Don’t do his washing. Expect him to contribute to chores in the house including cooking and cleaning. Treat him as the grown up that he is. He is no longer a little boy.

don’t let him freeload off of you. Set a clear boundary of needing a minimal amount if ‘keep’ each week until he successfully gets a job when you will turn review the rate accordingly.

letting ‘kids’ aka as adults once they are past 18 sponge off you - as they float about with airy fairy ideas of maybe doing ‘you tube’ is not setting them up for the harsh reality of how the world works. Life costs and to afford food and shelter he needs to work. It may be a minimal wage job - it may not be his dream job but beggars can not be choosers. He has to find something immediately be it cafe or shop work.

you get out of life what you put in and nothing comes for free.

the conversation is as hard as you want to make it. I would be direct and clear and set the expectations so he can make an informed choice about his life.