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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you choose an academic boys school over an average mixed school?

89 replies

bluelagoonsunrise · 21/01/2025 17:10

DS has a place at a very academic boys grammar school and is likely to get a place at the good mixed comprehensive school.

AIBU to be put off by boys only? I just see it as preventing a normal teenage experience. We never thought he’d get in when we applied so are a bit shocked. Didn’t think we would have the choice…

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 22/01/2025 17:50

OP, your post describes it as a "good comprehensive", your heading as "average". Which is it?

jollyjapesandgobstoppers · 22/01/2025 18:10

Bloom15 · 22/01/2025 17:31

I don't think single sex education is beneficial to boys - I think it suits girls more. So I would choose mixed.

I always thought that if I'd had girls I'd happily send then to an all-girls school but if I had boys I'd send them co-ed. I have two boys at a mixed comp. Neither of them socialise with girls at the moment but I do appreciate that they spend their days with boys and girls.

Original poster
bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 18:41

It’s average compared to a grammar but it’s good for a comprehensive

OP posts:
CallWa1ting · 22/01/2025 18:42

What is the grammar school rated?

Original poster
bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 18:48

jollyjapesandgobstoppers · 22/01/2025 18:10

I always thought that if I'd had girls I'd happily send then to an all-girls school but if I had boys I'd send them co-ed. I have two boys at a mixed comp. Neither of them socialise with girls at the moment but I do appreciate that they spend their days with boys and girls.

Show quote history

Yes I feel this it’s important

We are very family orientated, I grew up spending evenings and weekends with family and saw friends occasionally. I expect our boys will be the same, I really don’t think there will be many opportunities to see girls, I feel it has to come from the school and that should be a part of his education, social education. If we were to try to emulate the co-ed experience we would need to find co-ed activities so DS would spend significant time outside school on these in addition to a high work commitment, I worry he wouldn’t enjoy this at all. He doesn’t work well under a lot of pressure and is prone to outbursts. So that’s the other side of it, it being a grammar is useful in that he’s probably guaranteed to get good grades, it’s 90% 9-7 at GCSE BUT I think he will be miserable

OP posts:
NordicwithTeen · 22/01/2025 18:52

Presumably school isn't the only place he can mix with girls - he has friends from primary/other clubs/neighbours and family who are female? Just keep those up. Co-ed schools don't always ensure the sexes get on with each other.

raffegiraffe · 22/01/2025 18:58

I think there is some research that girls do better in single sex and boys in mixed sex education settings
Both mine go to a mixed comp, but it's in a posh area so self selecting really

CallWa1ting · 22/01/2025 18:59

bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 18:48

Yes I feel this it’s important

We are very family orientated, I grew up spending evenings and weekends with family and saw friends occasionally. I expect our boys will be the same, I really don’t think there will be many opportunities to see girls, I feel it has to come from the school and that should be a part of his education, social education. If we were to try to emulate the co-ed experience we would need to find co-ed activities so DS would spend significant time outside school on these in addition to a high work commitment, I worry he wouldn’t enjoy this at all. He doesn’t work well under a lot of pressure and is prone to outbursts. So that’s the other side of it, it being a grammar is useful in that he’s probably guaranteed to get good grades, it’s 90% 9-7 at GCSE BUT I think he will be miserable

Edited
Show quote history

90% 9-7 doesn’t mean anything when it’s a selective school. What is their Ofsted rating? Does your ds have any ND, stand out in any way, likely to struggle with MH, have any SENs?

Original poster
bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 19:05

Grammar is ofsted outstanding, comp is ofsted good. No no ND, SEND or mental health issues, just highly strung

OP posts:
CallWa1ting · 22/01/2025 19:07

bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 19:05

Grammar is ofsted outstanding, comp is ofsted good. No no ND, SEND or mental health issues, just highly strung

Highly strung would send alarm bells to me. All boy grammar schools need a tough type of child. In my experience they are toxic, testosterone heavy, homophobic environments that take no prisoners. Avoid.

CallWa1ting · 22/01/2025 19:08

It’s Very easy to get Outstanding when you select your students and limit Sen and PP children. Much harder to get good as a comp who takes all children and doesn’t select.

Original poster
bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 20:56

True. It just feels so unnatural to me to have all boys, I’m not trying to offend anyone…it just seems sad, like they are learning and academically brilliant but are missing out on basic day to day interactions with girls which is a big part of life

OP posts:
Original poster
bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 20:58

Thanks all, your comments have made me think

I think I’ve realised we won’t be able to recreate the co-ed experience for him so it’s better he go co-ed, I also don’t think an educationally elite environment will suit him. I think he could benefit from being a high flyer rather than in the middle or towards the bottom of a high achieving school.

OP posts:
Paradoes · 22/01/2025 21:00

I’m sending mine to all boys as it’s better than the mixed. I would 100 percent go for the grammar (you could get your son to join mixed ex clubs etc)

Paradoes · 22/01/2025 21:05

go with your gut op - you seem to have it sussed

(Our local mixed sex is dreadful and we have lots of options for teens to mix outside of school eg teen discos)

hope your son enjoys and settled in well to secondary

luckylavender · 22/01/2025 21:06

Real life is mixed

RosesAndHellebores · 22/01/2025 21:09

DH and DS went to all boys schools. No issues with the opposite sex. At all.

DD and I went to all girls schools. No issues at all.

I'd chase the academics.

FreshAirForwards · 22/01/2025 21:15

I think if my boy were liable to ‘coast’ at school, I’d rather he coasted to 7s than 4s at GCSE. The narrower band of ability in a grammar will certainly raise his internal benchmarks of how much work is enough to get by.
Try to find out how the comprehensive approach stretching the academically able across all subjects. If there is a policy of full mixed ability teaching I’d be wary. However, if there is a strategy to stretch academically able pupils I think the comp could be a good fit.

LondonLawyer · 22/01/2025 21:26

I wouldn't make it the most important factor in the choice. DS1 went to a single sex boys school which is also a state comprehensive - he'd have had to travel further to a mixed comp, and it wasn't such a good school either. DS2 will go to the same single sex comp next year. Both went to the same mixed primary.
DS1 appears to have survived the experience admirably, he's now a first year at university.
My siblings, parents and I also went to entirely single-sex schools, a mixture of private and state.
If I had daughters, I'd make single sex secondary a significant priority for them. I wouldn't for my sons, but I'm not averse to it.

DoloresODonovan · 22/01/2025 21:27

My son was at a selective Independent boys school from 12 to 18
His sisters were at a mixed Comprehensive School.

Eldest then went on to mixed 6th Form College, the youngest transferred
to an all girls school where she flourished then 6th form college.

OP either choice, you are not going to know if the child/school is a fit until he is there.

If he can cope with the workload, expectations, discipline, sports,
competitiveness, if he can concentrate, be diligent with homework,
self motivated and can keep up socially, then the academic school calls.

At least you will be giving him the opportunity - when he is older, at University
he is less likely to say I wish I’d been at the local comp, than Why didn’t you
accept the place at the Boys school - I could have been somebody!

DoloresODonovan · 22/01/2025 21:30

bluelagoonsunrise · 22/01/2025 20:56

True. It just feels so unnatural to me to have all boys, I’m not trying to offend anyone…it just seems sad, like they are learning and academically brilliant but are missing out on basic day to day interactions with girls which is a big part of life

and incredibly distracting - especially when the hormones kick in

WinterFoxes · 22/01/2025 21:40

My DSs went to an academic boys' school. It was right for them intellectually and they made great friends, but it fid slightly 'other' girls. One is way, so he wasn't bothered at all at the lack of girls, though I have had to give him some social nudges to remind him women exist. DS2 says he'd never send a child to a single sex school and that it made him really shy with girls. But he was z late developer physically and emotionally, autistic too, and I think he'd have struggled anyway. I was at a mixed school and it was he'll gor the nerdy, shy boys, watching the confident ones get loads of attention from girls they had crushes on. I think he'd have hated being surrounded by girls who'd have shown zero interest in, and may even have picked and teased a boy who looked and acted quite childlike until his late teens.

Girasoli · 22/01/2025 21:44

I think I'd go for the academic all boys school for my DS1, and too early to tell for DS2.

DH went to an all boys school with a mixed sixth form, and found it fine.

MarigoldSpider · 22/01/2025 21:51

I haven’t read the full thread but I think it would be stupid to turn down the boys grammar.

RandomUsernameHere · 22/01/2025 22:13

If you put the grammar as your first choice and you get offered a place, you won't also be offered a place at your second choice school. Assuming you mean a state grammar. Apologies if I've misunderstood.
DS will be going to a boys' grammar, it was a no brainer for us. They do activities with the girls' grammar and it's mixed for sixth form. Plus he has a twin sister, so I'm not at all worried that it's single sex.