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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DH over holiday!

63 replies

Dish19 · 21/01/2025 09:04

DH and I have booked a holiday in summer with DSIL and her family. We’ve paid a deposit etc. We have DCs 4 and 9 months.

Yesterday DH came home from work and straightaway started telling me he doesn’t think he can have those dates off work now as too many people are off. I (obviously?) got annoyed as he agreed the dates so I presumed as an adult he would have checked. He then got angry at me, saying he only wanted a discussion over it and not an argument?

There’s a chance I could fly out with DSIL and DCs alone although I don’t really want to do this it would be better than losing the whole trip. I asked DH, seeing as he wants to ‘discuss’ it, to check with his manager first to try and get the time off. Now he’s dragging his heels saying he needs to wait for the right time to ask. In the meantime DSIL and family are booking flights and I really want to know sooner rather than later so I can book the same flight and so they can help out!

AIBU here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dish19 · 21/01/2025 10:22

It was actually last week or maybe even the week before that this all came to light. The holiday was booked in October. He said he would talk to his manager ‘at the right time’. I’ve just messaged him to remind him to sort it out and he’s said he’s busy and to stop hassling him.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 21/01/2025 10:27

Message him. ‘I’ll stop ‘hassling’ you but to be clear, if you miss the family holiday because you were disorganised, you can use your annual leave on family, you do not suddenly have extra leave to use on your hobby because you’ve dumped your family, our kids are young and a lot of work and if I’m solo parenting on holidays then I am not solo parenting later too so you can go away for your hobby. Im booking flights on Friday, you’d have to be an asshole to tell me not to so I miss out on getting sils plane and having some support if you don’t come. Yes I am annoyed about this in case you are wondering, it’s pretty crap of you.’

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2025 10:30

Dish19 · 21/01/2025 09:55

Can you think of anything about this scenario that might be my fault? He’s in a WhatsApp group where we discuss the dates so he did know them. I know he wanted a ‘discussion’ but I’m not sure what he thought we would discuss.

It will leave him with two extra weeks AL vs me and I won’t be able to afford another holiday this year so he’ll probably end up using his on a hobby trip.

Well there’s your answer OP!

He’s got his eye on a relaxing two weeks at home whilst you’re away with his family, and then a hobby trip of his own.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2025 10:35

Codlingmoths · 21/01/2025 10:27

Message him. ‘I’ll stop ‘hassling’ you but to be clear, if you miss the family holiday because you were disorganised, you can use your annual leave on family, you do not suddenly have extra leave to use on your hobby because you’ve dumped your family, our kids are young and a lot of work and if I’m solo parenting on holidays then I am not solo parenting later too so you can go away for your hobby. Im booking flights on Friday, you’d have to be an asshole to tell me not to so I miss out on getting sils plane and having some support if you don’t come. Yes I am annoyed about this in case you are wondering, it’s pretty crap of you.’

Yes, this too. He takes the time to stay at home and care for the baby, not to bugger off on a hobby.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/01/2025 10:36

Dish19 · 21/01/2025 10:22

It was actually last week or maybe even the week before that this all came to light. The holiday was booked in October. He said he would talk to his manager ‘at the right time’. I’ve just messaged him to remind him to sort it out and he’s said he’s busy and to stop hassling him.

Unless it's over half term, I doubt that loads of people are booking time off in October. I would be suspicious of his motives. He hasn't even asked whether he can have time off and delaying this further instead of immediately putting in his request for annual leave makes it more likely that he doesn't actually want to go on this holiday.

endofthelinefinally · 21/01/2025 11:00

He is either stupid or duplicitous. Nobody reasonable books a holiday without booking AL.
Has he organised insurance and checked passports? (Just in case he hasn't done that either).

memyselfi · 21/01/2025 12:51

I'd cancel it even with the costs involved .
I'd be so annoyed I wouldn't be able to look forward to it anyway .
I wouldn't proactively arrange any holidays in the future either.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/01/2025 13:00

Book the flights, he can drive if he wants

PinkyFlamingo · 21/01/2025 13:08

Looks like he's clearly up to something, especially since it's never been an issue with leave before and he's so obviously avoiding asking

DeepFatFried · 21/01/2025 13:41

It will leave him with two extra weeks AL vs me and I won’t be able to afford another holiday this year so he’ll probably end up using his on a hobby trip.

I would tell him that if he is unavailable for this planned family holiday you will not book the flights and that you will be going off on a solo or friends holiday while he uses his 2 weeks to spend time with the kids

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/01/2025 13:52

Can he come but work from home from the villa?

MrsJHernandez · 21/01/2025 13:53

It sounds like he doesn't want to go. And, yes I agree with other PP's that if he doesn't join you, he does not get to have a hobby trip and leave you alone with the kids again. That would be so selfish of him.

Honestly, I would be wondering why he doesn't want to go, and my first thought would be "is he cheating and wants to spend time with an AP and not have to come up with lies for being late/going out?!" But that's just my very cynical mind.

iwillfghhjjj · 21/01/2025 13:56

I'd book for you and kids and leave him to sort him self.

But I would be pretty pissed off if he then magically managed to book a solo trip for two weeks to do his hobby leaving you with the kids.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/01/2025 13:57

He needs to put on his big boy knickers and tellthe manager its booked and nonrefundable and his wife will divorce him if he doesnt go. Then explain what a twat he is and let the chips fall where they may...

I've managed Hundreds of people who have bookedtimeoff at inopportune moments. No one ever cancelled the team hust sucked ut up

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 21/01/2025 14:13

Dish19 · 21/01/2025 09:55

Can you think of anything about this scenario that might be my fault? He’s in a WhatsApp group where we discuss the dates so he did know them. I know he wanted a ‘discussion’ but I’m not sure what he thought we would discuss.

It will leave him with two extra weeks AL vs me and I won’t be able to afford another holiday this year so he’ll probably end up using his on a hobby trip.

Sod that, he can use the leave he has left for parenting.

He thinks both his wife and his sister will just pick up the slack if he cba with his kids? Pig.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/01/2025 14:16

I think you need to lose your temper.

purplecorkheart · 21/01/2025 14:27

What is he like generally and your relationship?

Could there be issues at work such as being on pip etc?

Is this his way of ensuring that you will drive there rather than fly.

Personally I would book flights for myself and the kids asap as the cost will only increase and let him sort himself out.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 21/01/2025 14:30

Smashing.. He can stay home and catch up on all DIY... And don't forget to change the WiFi password on your way out the door.... Phone off and enjoy your holiday..
Just tell sil the truth. Dh hadn't booked holidays at work. She can voice her displeasure also. At him.

Codlingmoths · 21/01/2025 20:39

DeepFatFried · 21/01/2025 13:41

It will leave him with two extra weeks AL vs me and I won’t be able to afford another holiday this year so he’ll probably end up using his on a hobby trip.

I would tell him that if he is unavailable for this planned family holiday you will not book the flights and that you will be going off on a solo or friends holiday while he uses his 2 weeks to spend time with the kids

Which he can pay for. It sounds like finances are separate and the op can’t afford another holiday… but he can. Im not surprised- wants to plan it so he skips the family holiday and his partner does it all on her own with two young kids, gets mad at her for daring to ask when he’s booking the leave any responsible adult would already have booked, refuses to let her make plans that might make traveling slightly easier for a mum solo with two young kids, of course he also has lots more money too. Take a good long look at this man op, and start to think more about looking after yourself than him.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 21/01/2025 20:53

offer to have the conversation he wants about it. Say you’re listening. Let him talk. Did he want to see if a) the villa booking can be moved (often possible for a small fee if it’s available a different date and if so b) talk to his sister quickly to see if they can do the revised date. Or does he want to lose the deposit and cancel? (Point out he would have to pay his sister back her share of the deposit, not just yours). Or does he want you to go with the kids alone? Or does he want to speak to his boss and see what can be done about those dates.

lizzyBennet08 · 23/01/2025 09:04

Honestly op . Just book the flights and let him do what he wants . At least you have your plan.

Jobsharenightmare · 23/01/2025 09:39

I had a manager who made booking annual leave so stressful. I wonder if he's too embarrassed to tell you about that? Of course it could be he wants to have extra time to himself.

But the odds are we're all massively overthinking it and he's disorganised and doesn't like being called out on it.

Scottsy200 · 24/01/2025 20:56

Why is he acting like a child who can’t ask a simple question, honestly we really need a new word for MEN these days because MEN they are bloody well not

CosyLemur · 24/01/2025 22:49

So basically he's the one who works yet you've booked a holiday without knowing if he has those days off work?
This is a you problem

Pherian · 24/01/2025 23:13

He doesn’t want to go. He’s a feckless worm.

Tell him you want to cancel. Then move out .

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