To wonder why it feels like we have no money?

[Wheredoesitgo]

DH and I earn well between us. We aren’t mega wealthy or even close but we should be very comfortable and I just feel like we aren’t.

I just feel like we have no money? DH is self employed and had a tough few months last year and the tax return coming up isn’t helping but even month to month my earnings just seem to disappear with not a lot to show for it…

Would love to go away (2 primary school aged DC) but a week in Spain in July (just before school holidays by a few days to try and reduce the pride a bit!) is coming in at around £1100 plus each for a week AI (we spend less this way with the kids than self catering usually as they are fussy). They need spring/summer wardrobes but feel like I can’t really buy new and can only afford bundles on Vinted which I never find exactly what I want.

I dread the food shop as there’s just no way to get it cheaper.

I’d love some new boots but can’t justify the cost.

As I said we earn quite well so it just seems crazy to me that things feel so tight - anyone else in the same boat?!

Well said, @Taigabread

Lifestyle expectations are off the charts these days.

Also, I know far less people that pay monthly for a new / nearly new car now as so many are working from home and don’t drive daily to an office anymore / meetings. As house prices have risen sharply, and so have interest rates, utilities, childcare, food and petrol prices, a monthly car fee like £400 is a luxury and gets cut first.

For us, It’s about choosing to put the heating on, paying for clubs and going on a UK caravan holiday OR paying £400 a month for an Audi or BMW that does 5000 miles a year, costs a fortune to insure and service and gets ruined by the kids

Wanted to share an update on the car situ...

£1k in neg equity, checked my finance agreement. Next month is when it meets the break clause & in theory I can hand it back...

However, I don't have the money to buy another car cash, so options are go for one on a lower monthly payment or just keep on with this, but 400 a month means I can't really save for another... gah I knew I'd come to regret the first time I went from buying cars outright to financing.

@Wheredoesitgo what car is it?

I don't want to say exactly as outing, but German, estate, we purchased new.

The balloon payment is also higher than I recall being told... significantly so, so paying off this car and then running it into the ground also not an option.

Could you teach your DC to swim yourself, scrap the Babybels, have one paying day out a month, cut down on takeaways and redirect the money towards a holiday?

You mention that your husband absolutely won’t merge finances. Are you sure that you know how much he has in savings? Is there enough for a second hand car? Does he have any accounts you might not be aware of, money squirrelled away? There are so many posts on here when there are separate finances, and the mum is down to her last penny and buying second hand everything and her husband has ‘his’ money with a pot to the side. Is he saying he doesn’t have the tax money so you won’t dig further?

Unfortunately this is very possible. Although his savings have probably been depleted a little with his bad months of self employment last year

Ah yes and did you see the submitted tax return? Or did he tell you he had some bad months?

@Gottastoppostingsomuch I know he had bad months, I was very close to the business. That said, I don't know what he had in savings to begin with.

So when you got married did you know how much money he had? Or has possibly saved in accounts since? Is this a question you can ask him and get an upfront answer?

No - not exactly. Approximately. I know his pension his v big from previous employment. I know he had 5 figures set aside from a prior employment payout, plus some money in shares. That's it, if I asked, I don't get a solid answer. Just an 'around this much £xxxxx' sort of thing.

Why are you raising children with someone who won't disclose his financial situation to you. I find this bizarre but I share a bank account with DH and we are very much on the same page with finances.

I don't want to say exactly as outing, but German, estate, we purchased new.

Ok, yes buying brand new means the depreciation will be terrible, before handing it back I would work out if that is even worthwhile, if you'll lose £1000 paying back the negative equity, and then needing to sort another car, it may not be the best option.

@timetodecide2345 finances have never been an issue until the self employment. We were comfortable, things got paid between us with spare. It’s the self employment that’s made things more problematic. And I don’t know if he won’t disclose as much as I’m not sure he even knows what the shares are worth etc etc.

@mnat yup - I think I’m best sitting on it for another few months and then rethinking.

OP it sounds like you are a devoted mum and have nothing to feel any ‘mum’ guilt for. So stop giving yourself a hard time on that front.

As for the finances, you are trying to solve an equation that don’t have all the numbers for. You and your DH need to sit down and discuss your joint finances, how can you make any large buying decisions without full transparency?

Being successfully self employed requires meticulous financial administration and planning. Your DH should absolutely be aware of his earnings in good years/lean years and what is affordable. How can he commit to making his maintenance payments for his first child, plus supporting the children he lives with, if he doesn’t know his monthly incomings?

Times are tough now, and are set to get tougher in the short term, is your DH forecasting earnings for the year ahead and assessing affordability of existing commitments? If not, why not?

You are presumably in a loving marriage and share a household and children. You should be able to discuss joint finances and make plans for your future. Do you even know if your DH has life insurance and critical illness cover? Do you?

Being transparent doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have fully merged finances; DH and I have our own separate current account, ISAs, pensions etc. but we also have a joint current account and savings account. The difference is we have transparency, accountability and a shared financial goal.

I'm sure this varies a lot between different people, but it does seem quite high to me. We don't have a car at all any more (but live in London) but I don't know anyone who does have expensive cars on finance - my parents and three siblings don't, any of them, for example.

I really feel for you OP, as the previous poster said you are trying to make the maths add up but you don’t have the full picture and there is some secrecy / fact holding from your husband. Going self employed just adds a huge layer of uncertainty too and unknowns. I can’t imagine not knowing all the financial info of the person I am destined to spend the rest of my life with. I really hope he plans to use the income from his big pension for the both of you. There have been posts on here where the woman has a small pension, penalised all her life for doing the child rearing and earning less by going part time, and then the dad with his huge pension treats it as ‘his’ money to spend as he chooses whilst she still works

Disney, Lapland UK (whatever that is), Legoland etc, really, really aren't that common. I don't know anyone who can afford these things, bar one family. I'm sure your children are fine, as you say.

I do think it's partly expectations with that sort of salary - but even with such a good income you can't do top end of everything.

I agree kids don't need expensive days out. My two close friends were skint single parents so we did loads of free or cheap days out and then once a year went to a theme park (but using discount vouchers). My DS is an adult now but the days out he fondly remembers are the ones at the beach (chosen for free parking and no tempting amusements) which cost nothing but the fuel and an ice cream as we'd take a pic nic.

I also got cheap EH membership through work so we've literally been everywhere within a 2 hour radius, and when he was very little we used to tour the different playgrounds of our borough on a weekend and work out which one was the best one.

Plus cubs was a relatively cheap hobby and he got to do loads of stuff like sailing for a relatively cheap price which we wouldn't have been able to sort/arrange.

We completely stopped takeaways a couple of years ago. Even fish and chips is ridiculously expensive nowadays whereas it used to be a monthly treat for us. Similarly with eating out....that is now only for special occasions.

I'm not pretending this is great budgeting advice but DH and I started getting the Charlie Bingham's curries if we want a treat. With some sides it's around £10 for the two of us whereas an Indian takeaway for two would be £30 from our local. Or supermarket pizzas rather than Dominos.

I can make a Sunday roast for way cheaper than even going to Toby carvery. If I'm feeling really lazy I buy it all ready prepped e.g. a roast chicken with pre made stuffing balls, roast potatoes etc that I can just sling in the oven. It is still less than half of the cost of going out for Sunday lunch. Probably a third of the cost at the most. Obviously making it from scratch is even cheaper but occasionally I just want the convenience......but refuse to spend £60+ on going out for a mediocre meal for the four of us.

For days out with the children we have National Trust membership and use it all of the time. We're lucky that we have some great NT properties near us with playgrounds and they often do children's trails and treasure hunts. If we take a picnic that's an extremely cheap day out. We also like geocaching which is completely free and at least gets the children out on a walk.

As a "big" treat in the school holidays I'll take the children on the train to a nearby city and we'll go to one of the free museums and to a café or get them a cheaper meal out e.g. McDonald's. They love it because it's not a regular occurrence for us. We could afford Legoland.....we actually live quite close to it but have never gone because I just don't want to spend £100 or more on a day out.

Don't you think it's strange that you know the personal finances of people you know but not that of your own husband?

@denhaag I don't know their detailed finances, just a few friends who have mentioned what they spend on car finance...