Pushed DS out of bed

[Bahhumbug25]

Hi

DS7 was struggling to get out of bed this morning, as per usual. I wasn’t there so don’t know what happened initially, but I know DH doesn’t take the gentle wake up approach.

I hear crying and find DS7 on the floor next to the bed.

DH says he pushed DS7 out of bed as he kicked him.

DS7 says DH punched him off. I would be surprised if it was a punch but I suspect it was a hard push in the back, as DH would have been angry about the kick.

AIBU to be angry? I hate physical / angry reactions. If DH can’t handle it he should walk away.

Do you identify that as the very poor parenting it was? Do you plan to parent the same way?

Likewise. If I kicked my dad, I'd have had a hard whack for sure.

Do I think I was abused.... no.

I read these comments from MNers, who haven't even got the full story and are immediately branding the dad an abuser and can understand why there are so many unparented feral children out on the streets these days

Yea my mum did stuff like this when I was a kid, over very minor things. I was a decent kid, I wasn't naughty, was good at school.

But I'd get punched, slapped, ragged around for any minor delay or slight inconvenience to my mum.

I grew up afraid of people, I was a teenager terrified of telling my parents anything. I hardly speak to them now and moved to get away.

I am now a very damaged adult, constantly in fear of upsetting anyone. It's like I spend my life walking on eggshells.

All because my mum thought it was okay to give me a punch or rag me by the arm for stuff like not getting my shoes on quick enough.

I feel for your son.

There's a difference between abuse and boundaries. There were things that were categorically not up for discussion.

If a child won't take medicine you bet your ass I'll pin them down and give it to them.

If a child runs for the main road and you reach and yank them back by their arm and it leaves a bruise that's not abuse, it's safety.

Yelling or restraining a child trying to get out of a car seat at speed is not abuse.

Getting out of bed wasn't a discussion. They had to get to work or could lose their jobs. I had to go to school. If I didn't get ready after being upended from bed that's fine, I'd be carried to the car and dropped off in my pyjamas. Refused breakfast? Dropped off without eating.

Did me zero harm, I was never randomly punched out of anger etc. I was not abused. I learnt where the boundaries were and consequences of actions.

Sorry to bring this up but if your son always struggles to get out of bed, then his bedtime needs to be a lot earlier...

And of course, the PPs saying your husband is in the wrong are all correct. @yy99, I'm sorry - that's terrible!

Son shouldn't have kicked your husband but that is never an excuse to physically retaliate. Your son is 7. Id have gone nuts at my husband over that. In fact I'd consider leaving.

Did me zero harm

It did. You think physical abuse is normal. That's harm.

You can't apply the 'running into the road' standard to getting out of bed.

I would go ballistic at this.

It's perfectly possible that your DH is speaking the truth. I have seen my children greatly elaborate the facts when they are in a foul mood. Only you know your husband. I have tried to pull my children out of bed before and I did pull my teenager out once. That was for literally refusing to get up for school for no good reason other than they wanted to stay sleeping, which wasn't an option. Mornings were horrible and no one's perfect. But it depends on your own situation and what you think happened.

The son must be learning this violent behaviour from his Dad.

Unless this is totally out of character from your dh, you know the truth, then you need to protect your ds from him.

It's not just a push, it is abuse that causes life long damage.

Your DH is acting like a child.
I'd be having strong words with him about what he's modelling to your son.
It's not acceptable to kick.. but you don't teach a child to not be violent by being violent towards them. You don't teach a child to regulate their emotions by having absolutely no control over your own.
He needs to take some anger management lessons.
You need to have this serious conversation with him or else when your boy hits his teens you are going to have a complete nightmare on your hands with the pair of them. This is not how you raise calm, responsible, mature children. This is how you raise violent man children who lash out at the slightest provocation.. because that's what your husband is modelling here.

I think a lot of this comes down to the individual natures of your husband and son as we weren’t in the room and can’t know completely.

I guess it boils down to whether or not you think physically hurting your child is OK.

I know my opinion on the matter.

cannot believe people are saying a 7 year old kicking their parent for waking them up is normal behaviour...

How utterly vile. Absolutely no excuse or justification for it. Your poor son.

What are you going to do about this to protect your son?

Exactly, he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions

Not in the world of MumsNet.

Kids can do anything apparently and it is never their fault.

Yes YABU because you are allowing your husband to abuse your son.

No it isn’t. I wonder where he learned to use violence instead of his words?!

Yes kids never deserve to be physically abused or assaulted, when they are it is never their fault. I think thats a common belief outside of abusers themselves.

Finally, the voice of reason on this thread. The claims that the DH are abusive are ridiculous.

How exactly would you react if someone was trying to drag you out of bed? What exactly is this teaching a 7 year old, because it’s certainly not a lesson in regulating emotions is it? What is the point of a parent if they escalate emotional outbursts?

As a parent of sen children (and I’m not saying that is the issue here), I’ve had my children hit out at me when trying to get them dressed in the morning. I’d never throw them to the floor in response because that’s abuse. Not sure why it’s acceptable to do so for a (presumably) NT little boy.

I also had a parent who couldn’t control themselves in their anger. I dealt with the consequences of having a bad day, they dealt with the consequences later in life of having children who didn’t want to know them in their last days.

I agree, I think unless OP returns and gives us more information we can’t really make a judgement.

She might come back and say her husband is usually calm and has never displayed any signs of aggression and her son often refuses to do as he’s told and lashes out, it’s possible her DH pushed him away as a reflex from being kicked and out of frustration.

It’s also possible we get a completely different narrative that her DH is often short tempered and has been rough before over insignificant things.

Until we have more details it’s not far to brand her husband as abusive when we don’t have enough to go on. My sister used to exaggerate that she’d been punched or slapped when she’d been told off by someone, her teacher once tapped a pencil on the desk next to her when she wasn’t listening and she swore blind the teacher had poked her hard with it.
It was lucky there were other kids in the classroom to witness what had happened because she’d never admit she lied.

A pp made a good point that there would be physical evidence if OPs son had been “punched out of bed” or pushed violently. You would also surely hear the thud.
These are the details we need before anyone can make accusations that her husband was deliberately violent or abusive.

There are many, many things that you or your husband can do to get a 7 yr old out of bed that don’t involve manhandling / shoving / pushing him. Switch the lights on. Open the curtains. Make sure there is some noise and activity elsewhere in the house. Tell him his breakfast is ready. Sit on his bed and wake him up.

if my child kicked me when I was trying to get him out of bed, I’d be pissed off - of course. But I’d also be asking what I could do differently so it never gets to that stage.

your DH is meant to be the grown up. He shouldn’t be using his physical advantage to achieve this. He should be using his brain to work out the most positive way.