Hating his female best friend normal?

[Clueless1978]

Blimey where to start, BF has a female best friend a married lady I’ve never met been together for 3 years. It’s always Maggie this or that.

Im pretty jealous of this lady soley for the fact that my partner has a deep emotional connection with her. She happens to be a therapist for a living so listens unlike me! I’ve tried changing myself, spending hours listening without giving advice and give so my empathy until I feel empty and drained.

small things started to happen at the start, he would tell me he met up with her for coffee (I had no issues with that I’m in early 50’s) thought no problem known each other few years long than me. Even stupidly encouraged it when he felt down!

however, small things were feedback, we went to this place she pretended I was her toy boy… she speaks about her sex life with her hubby saying it’s so important in relationships brings people together, her son thinks it would be wonderful as he is so much fun to be around if he moved it (this is when she was having rough patch with her husband, my BF is so loveable! Really pissed me off I hope understandably or maybe I’m petty.

she knew we was on a night out together- he gets a love heart emoji sent to him. I go mad and he implies I’m nutty and have nothing to worry about

month later, his phone on the table I love you so much my dear friend is received out of no where… WTF he said friends tell each other they love each other all the time. Sort of making out I’m crazy again. I was too embarrassed to actually ask my friends if this was normal, convinced myself she must be a hippy type of person ha! And must be normal just I’ve not experienced that. Maybe with my BF of years same sex.

anyway, I blew up and said I’m find it disrespectful and uncomfortable please stop encouraging her or allowing her to think all this stuff is ok and that your partner basically doesn’t like it - he went into you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m not telling her to stop as we are only friends we have no problem it’s only me that does and I need to grow up!

finished! Slowly got back together and her name wasn’t mentioned for a while and then all started again. He had continued seeing her and nothing any different. I said how her husband would feel if he read all their messages and I’m not being crazy (you ladies might tell me I am though) I said if you’ve got nothing to hide, can I see the context of your message No they are private between us and you obviously don’t trust me. This is a never ending battle

it’s caused so many problems in our relationship and because of it he has told me I should speak to a relationship counsellor as that’s what he was off to do. To make our relationship better, he spoke to someone twice. He said I calmly and implied it was to bring us closer. I went off to google relationship counselling, so many to choose from. I asked him how did you find the person you’ve been talking too. Low and behold Maggie recommended someone! So must have been talking about our relationship to her which the thought of I hate!!! Am I nutty or being totally disrespected

My first thought (and I’m not sure what this says about me) is that this woman doesn’t exist. Or at least not in the capacity that he tells you.
Invite her over for dinner, get to know her. See what she has to say…
Although it does sound like you’d be better off just walking away tbh. He sounds like a right insecure prat.

Ignore anyone calling you insecure or needy. This is quite clearly more than just a platonic friendship and he seems to enjoy knowing it’s winding you up.
Walk away.

If he prioritised spending g time with his lady friend over supporting you with a cancer appointment then I’m afraid this chap does not love you. It’s as simple as that. You can let him get on with it and distance yourself from him and see if that brings him back or you can end the relationship. You are not mad or ‘needy’ - heck we all need our partners when facing cancer. Otherwise what’s the point of a relationship? I would feel the same in your shoes.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here thinks. The most important opinion is yours as you are the one that has to live with it. I think actions speak louder than words and you should end the relationship. I think he knows he is toying with your emotions and you should not tolerate it. You have told him how it makes you feel and his reaponse is to invalidate your feelings. So personally i would leave and not look back. He won't give you the love and peace you deserve.

My best mate is a man and i wouldnt change them for the world we have been taken to be a couple more than once but we laugh it off.
We know more about each other than anyone else.
Nothing would ever happen between us ever we dont see each other like that but hes there if i need him at the drop of a hat same as me to him.
We can call text and turn up at each others homes day or night no matter the time always welcome.
What some dont know is my bestie is full on gay men only.
My other best mate is a woman.
All 3 of us have known each other for over 30 years.
If anyone told me to stop talking to either one of them they would get my middle finger.

Couldn't agree with this more. He's enjoying playing his mind-games and life shouldn't be this hard for you. Please walk away for your own sanity.

Dd2 has 2 close male friends she has known for almost 15 years. She is married and her dh knows them and they have dinner etc sometimes. One even moved in during covid! Her dh does not feel threatened as dd2 obviously adores him and the friendships are not 'secret'.
I'd have to leave this bf if he showed no regard for my feelings and put his friend above me.

Ugh, what a twat. If he really loved/respected you, would he minimise your feelings and tell you it’s your problem or would he listen, empathise and try to resolve? I think you know the answer.

Don't be their 🤡.

Break up time.

that's completely bs!! if I was you I'd get a man best friend and do all the things he's doing! fuck him ! he doesn't care about your feelings obviously. don't let anyone tell you any different!!

You are not being unreasonable. Do you want that stressful sort of relationship with someone who doesn't see eye to eye on this issue? Let it be someone else's problem. Time to breakup and move on!

He could be right, it may just be a platonic and very co-dependent, tight friendship. He could be enjoying your discomfort, maybe it makes him feel important.

whatever the case is, you are very clearly not OK with the way this makes you feel. He is not going to change and maybe he doesn’t need to. You don’t need to either. It seems to me that your values and ideals don’t match with your partners. You’re not getting what fits with you, in order to feel calm, secure, happy and valued. Why stay in it, then?

Why on earth are you suffering in a similar situation, reach out for help, never let anyone put you down, contact me.

This is very similar to a close friend of mine.. how about you go find yourself a nice Male friend who you can go for coffee with and speak about intimate private things too about you bf , just turn the tables on him see how he likes it .. do not be a doormat !!

You are putting yourself through too much you are in your 50's you dont need to navigate this .
Get some space away from the BF & MAGGIE SHOW proper space and find the independent you again and when you find her you wont be staying to listen to Maggie wouldn't say this or Maggie wouldn't say that ..
This won't change but it will change you if you let it .
Shake them off leave them too it and get gone x

I stopped having relationships when I realised they turned me into a needy person. I, like you, am very independent, but totally change in a relationship. I am so much better and happier on my own - despite sometimes missing that closeness.

I'm waiting?

Why haven't you met her?

Three possibilities -
A) He’s having an affair with her (physical or emotional)
B) He’s a twat who is enjoying having two women fighting for his affections
C) She doesn't exist at all- he's created her to keep you in 'control' ie gaslight you

Run
Preserve your sanity

He's pulling all the strings now- narcs especially love making strong, confident, independent women run around in circles- it makes the fun better- you're sport to him.

Run

Be strong, confident and independent, say nothing. Walk away. And stay firm.

Of course he'll come running, begging, because you would have taken away his 'entertainment'

Ooooh

Just thought of your options here. You've three options-

A) Obviously Run- that's one option

B). Play him back - mirror his game, you create your own 'James' and make him your 'bestie'; whatever BF says about Maggie, you say about 'James'

C) do B) have some fun, then do A)

.....Muuuaaaaahhhhaahhaaahahaha

Depends on your appetite

How do I contact you, I need an email or phone number?

I’ve ended it
thank you x

Good for you. How did he take it? He probably ran to Maggie for comfort.

Good for you!
It all sounded rather Camilla / Diana in the dynamic.

Yes, good observation