Was I groomed online?

[Anonymous2003]

When I was 16 I started speaking to a man 20 years my senior online. I never intended to continue chatting with him beyond night one but it continued for 2 years. For 18 months it was all platonic conversation. I was a very lonely teenager and I really enjoyed his company. We talked everyday and felt very close (even though we obviously weren't as we never met). Eventually 18 months in things became sexual and we exchanged photos (not fully unclothed) and I was still 17 at the time. I ended up in a relationship and thus cut off contact with him which he agreed to. He texted me months later to let me know that he was getting married and hoped I was doing well. I sometimes think back to this and wonder was I groomed, even though it was fully consensual? I could have blocked him at any time.

you know the answer

Yes, you were groomed. A sixteen year old would not have the maturity or life experience to necessarily realise what was going on and how inappropriate it was. I'm sorry this happened to you. What an absolute creep he was.

@TryingAgainAgainAgain we would often make jokes about him being a 'groomer'. I guess it didn't feel like that since he seemed an overall good guy, had a good job and a child. He never told me he had a child however, I found out from his ex wife's facebook. I never confronted him about it as I felt we were both entitled to our private IRL lives.

we would often make jokes about him being a 'groomer'.
That's a way of trying to normalise it.

Why would "an overall good guy, with a good job and a child" be speaking regularly and privately to a sixteen-year-old girl, let alone get sexual with her? Only if he wasn't a good guy but was a groomer.

If it was an acceptable relationship why did it have to be kept separate from irl?

@TryingAgainAgainAgain thank you for your comments. Even though I know in my heart it was wrong, it still feels surreal to see it written down like that. I don't feel like I deserve to be classed as a 'victim' as it was online and I was legally over the age of consent. I find there isn't an awful lot of support for people in my specific situation.

This website is for men, but it gives a very good and clear definition of grooming:

https://www.survivorsuk.org/resource_articles/grooming/

Your situation fits the police definition:

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/gr/grooming/

https://www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/How-can-CEOP-help-me-YP/

Possible support: https://www.sarsas.org.uk/support-and-information/i-need-help/

@TryingAgainAgainAgain thank you for taking the time to find those sources for me ♥️

I had an online friendship when I was 15 with a man who was in his 30s. It was never sexual but in retrospect was such a strange thing for a man in his 30s to be doing. I can't remember how we met. He used to post me letters full of jokes. So odd. I think in the 90s things were a bit weirder in general.

Also, you could self-refer to NHS talking therapy services in your area, to give you someone to talk through the impact this has had on you:

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

He probably would describe himself as a really good guy
'It's not like I had sex with her.' 🙄

I totally understand why you're feeling confused, OP But he wasn't your friend. He was a creep. Any normal man would know that the age gap made it totally inappropriate.

@JMSA he did admit the day after the first sexual conversation that we shouldn't have been exchanging those messages, but it was me that initiated the next sexual contact. It is confusing.

That's exactly what they're aiming for. To mess with your head to the point where you might initiate. It can feel exciting and validating for a teenager. That doesn't make it any less wrong on his part.

You were just a lonely teenage girl, my love. It's all on him, not your fault at all. I know that I would have been flattered by the attention too, at that age x

Sometimes I feel I'd like to confront him although that would only open a can of worms. It does piss me off occassionally that he got away with it. I wouldn't say it has drastically impacted my day to day life but I still think about it obviously.

I know exactly what you mean. I was about 15 when I was chattering away to some 30 year old sports journalist. He tried to convince me to meet him in the park near my grandma's house - thank god I didn't love nearer or I absolutely would have done. I was at boarding school and when we visited my gran I never went out alone so it would have been dead obvious.

I don't particularly care he 'got away with it' just count myself lucky I got away with not being murdered. I tell my teenagers this story now to make them aware that I know teenagers do stupid things but they can always talk to me no matter how much hot water they get themselves into.

Oh @Anonymous2003 he was a definite groomer- vile man.
NO man in his thirties should be corresponding with a child - which you were, even though 16 is the legal age of consent, it's too large an age gap.

I was SA at 9 by two men, one absolutely ancient - like a grandad {but not a relation}
These men are very sly and cunning.

I wish I''d told an adult about it at the time, but the groomers and abusers are clever{I won't say what they said as don't want to give any hints to any child sexual abusers who may be reading this.

@oakleaffy very sorry to hear about what you went through 💐

The very fact that it is playing on your mind still, means you know it was fundamentally wrong on his part.

These creeps are amongst us.

I have a son {now adult} but when he was growing up, I warned him so much about inappropriate behaviour from adults and older children around him.

There was a Group leader who wanted the young boys to do wrestling in a vest and shorts- I absolutely said no to that.

It just made my hackles rise. {It wasn't a wrestling or martial arts club}

Thank you, Anon.
Sadly it was very common- so many female friends had similar experiences- Both in UK and Europe!

Children now are educated a lot more about ''appropriate behaviour'' by adults, and are advised to tell a trusted adult- But these creeps pick their victims.

They know a vulnerable child when they see one.

I also should add that he would say in a joking lighthearted manner that it would only be classed as grooming if he was in a position of power over me, like my sports coach for example, as I was over 16.

I had the same experience when i was 15/16. Met a guy on yahoo chat, lived in america in his 30s. The talks never got sexual as I wouldn't have even known what to type and since it was early days mobile phone with no cameras, we never exchanged pictures. He had me convinced he loved me though and i would be chatting to him at all weird hours because of the time difference until he ghosted me. Weird experience to look back on

What a nasty piece of work. He knew exactly what he was doing, but tried to absolve himself.

Were any laws actually broken here?

@User09678 sending and receiving sexual images with a person under 18 was probably a law break? Although as I said, not completely nude photos.

Bump as I am interested in any other comments or advice from anyone