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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I have done something wrong in this life?

47 replies

mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:01

I know that is a pretty crap title, but its just how I feel!

I have a Mother who isn't interested in me or my DDs (only lives half a mile ) spends time with my brother who lives 3 hrs a way!

I have a father who lives 25 mins drive away and I can't remember the last time I saw him.

Neither of them sent Christmas cards or presents for DDs. One of my DDs had a birthday in March and again, neither of them sent anything.(I can appreciate being hard up [been there!!] but a card!!) Nope!

Now I have a bloody MIL have a right old go at my DDs while DH and I have a night away, she told them we live in a dump (I am so fuming about this, but have promised DD not to say anything to MIL) She is surprised that DH lives like this because she knows what he is like!
I am the one that does all the cleaning, yes he will hoover occasionally, yes he will polish the television once in a while, but WTF I am so mad!

I honestly am so mad, yes our house can get untidy, but a dump!!!!! How dare she!

What have I done so wrong that :-

1 - my parents do not bother with me

2 - my Mil has suddenly had a go at my DDs, if she did not want them for the night then she should have had the balls to stand up and tell us. I gave her plenty of chances to get out of having them. Plus she was in no hurry to leave, I thought it was because she enjoyed having them! How wrong was I, she was probably wondering what they would say to me!

At least DDs felt they could tell me what she had been saying!

Crumbs I am mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:06

Or should that say "crumbs I am bad"

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Elephantsbreath · 05/05/2008 23:09

I do not know why your parents don't bother with you. That's crap especially where your dds are concerned. No cards even? Sorry but they are rubbish.

MIL is trying for some kind of super-bitch award surely? How dare she really?? WHAT A COW.

Mil is so out of order, but more impotantly what goes on with your folks? You need to make those relationships better somehow. Are they bad in other ways or are they just a bit cold ?

avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:15

It's not you. It's them. They can see what a wonderful person you are and they can not cope because you are everything they will never be. Your parents take it for granted that you will always be around. MIL is a cow who will wake up in the morning with crabs in her armpits.

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:16

My mother has ISSUES especially alcohol. Sometimes she doesn't drink, but she is so bitter and jealous (think she is so jealous of me and my family - we live in a good sized 4 bedroom semi with driveway and garage[ in her eyes we are posh!) My lovely brother who lives over 3 hrs away lives in a small 3 bed terraced house in the commuter belt to London, so his house probably is worth slightly more than our house, but because our house isn't in the commuter belt we get more for our money. My mother sees this as snobbery and bearly speaks to me!

What is wrong with my Father , I have no idea, he is a lovely man. Obviously I am the wrong DD for him.

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avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:18

The problem with your dad is that he lives with your mum. It's not you. Honest

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:19

Avenanap, I normally would not wish evils on other people, especially family, but by gum am I seething! MIL is a perfectionist (just like her DS!)- now thats another story!

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Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:20

Thats just it, he doesn't live with her, they split when I was 15, he never even came to my wedding!, and to only one of my DDs Baptisms.

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avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:21

You see, you are just too nice! What are you going to do about it?

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:21

He remarried about 4 yrs ago, to a really nice lady that he had been with almost since my parents had split!

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avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:23

Have you tried talking to them and telling them how their behaviour is making you feel?

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:27

I have no idea. Part of me wants to rant and rave, but to be honest I just want a nice quiet life, with at least one of my parents that love me and my family (or at least me) and not ignore us. It really makes me wonder what I have done wrong.
I got married to the first man I got engaged to,

We have always lived in our own property (never sponged off anyone - even payed for our own wedding!)

DH has a good steady job and has been there since he finished sch and is grad moving up through it.

What more can we do as a couple?

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avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:32

I work on the philosophy that if you point out a problem to someone and they do nothing then it's my problem, not theirs because they don't give a shit. I can either accept that or move on. If you don't tell them they piss you off they are never going to know how much they upset you. A nice quiet life is good in theory but if someone's done something to upset you then they need to know or they will be oblivious and carry on. You've not done anything, they are blind to your needs.

Do you mean more as a couple with regards to the parents and inlaws or more you and him?

Elephantsbreath · 05/05/2008 23:39

You sound super. Your parents are nutjobs.

But what can you do?

Are there jealousy ishoos? Perhaps they see you as a happy self contained unit not needing any, any what? Support, familial friendship? Does your mum think you are closer to your dad and him vice versa?

Is your mum jealous because your dad has a 'really nice lady' and takes it out on you? Oh I'm scrabbling for ideas on your behalf please excuse me.

it's not you

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:39

Sorry that meant "what more as a couple" as in me and DH, trying to show how we (as in a couple) take parenting and family issue as important. Obviously my parents even though they have split - do not!

Have tried to outline to my mother how important she is, but to no avail. She just waffles about my brothers DDs and how wonderful they are. She is always up babysitting for them, she hasn't babysat for me since I was pregnant with DD2 and she is almost 11. And we had to be back before it was dark because she told us she didn't like driving in the dark! WTF is what I say, she has been driving for over 40 yrs!

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Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:43

EB, thats just it, I do need them, yes I have a DH, yes he is great with DDs, he is really lovely, but he can be so controlling, and I mean very controlling - not just over money and friends but sex as well

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avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:44

But you're not them. you are you. They have made mistakes, you see them and never make them.

have you tried telling your mother that she talks about your brother and his family all the time and you would appreciate some support aswell? If she doesn't like driving in the dark get hubby to drive her home. It sounds like she thinks your life is great so you don't need her.

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:44

Can be sounds so lax, he is very controlling!

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Elephantsbreath · 05/05/2008 23:44

How about this. I'm suggesting you pre-warn them of important things. Two weeks before next dc birthday you phone both parents and say to each of them " Oh it's Little Marmite's birthday on the XXXX they would love to see you, or receive a card from you perhaps?"

What is their reaction likely to be?

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:46

Hubby would not drive her home - he will not even speak to her! If she rings and its her number on caller display he will not pick phone up! He hates her!

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Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:49

EB, bless my dear Brother and his wife, they do this, but to no avail. I have a sister who moved to the other end of the Country to get away from my mother. (she can be so nasty its untrue, my Father just doesnt seem to care)

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avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:50

That's helpful. So you're kind of sitting back and letting everyone drift along then? Your mum see's your brother more than you, your dad forgets your children, MIL is a cow and husband's controlling and hates your mother.

This would depress the hell out of me. You need to take charge though. Have you thought of inviting them all round for tea and having a vent? It's cheaper then therapy.

avenanap · 05/05/2008 23:51

So if your sister moved doesn't this tell you IT'S NOT YOU!

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 05/05/2008 23:54

Thanks for that Avenanap! Think I would need big therapy if I invited them all around! LOL. I honestly can see where you are coming from, I have just had one of those weekends that you wish you didn't have, and wish that you could just ring and chat to a parent!(ha Ha) and I cant, most days, I just get on with it, just needed a bit of moral support tonight and had no one to go to, esp as DH is away now until Friday! (typical - where are they when they need you!)

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avenanap · 06/05/2008 00:00

If it helps, mine are disfunctional. Dad's a drunk, mum's a bit mad, MIL's interfering, ds has an uncle and aunt 20 minutes away that have not sent him so much as a birthday card in 4 years, his dad's pissed off to Ireland, I'm doing a course I don't like very much and desperatly want to do something else.

There are alot of crap families out there. I vent regularly to mine or else it would drive me bonkers.

Make your life a bit easier and don't let MIL babysit, that's what I did. I will meet her in town for lunch with ds though. Life's too short. You should have a chat to your parents though.

Original poster
mymatemarmite · 06/05/2008 00:13

I have just sent DH an E mail, told him I will not be asking his mother again to have DDs over night again. I honestly thought she enjoyed having them, they are not bad children at all. Youngest is 8, middle one is 10, eldest is just 14. Nice ages. Especially for telling me what Grandma says!

Did wonder why Nephews always kicked off when MIL stayed with them, honestly thought that it was due to Nephews behaviour! [food for thought]

Glad I am not the only one avenanap. Do you have a partner/DH?

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