To be feeling completely awful about this

[Womansplainer]

I have been estranged from DM for a few years and have started to re-establish contact for sake of my DS mainly. She's betrayed me hugely over the course of my life and my mental health has been closely linked to this - I've had tons of therapy. Background, childhood included parental mental health, drugs and alcohol, chaos and neglect. She is now very stable and comfortable.

Since early last summer we've been meeting up every two weeks for a meal or walk.

It has been going fairly well. I am just shy of 50 and she is a very fit and healthy mid 70s.

In October / November she said she wanted to take my DS 10 and I on holiday somewhere abroad for a week in 2025. She and her late husband took thier other grandchildren to various places, Venice, France, she said she wanted to do the same with us.

She asked me to look up some ideas. I was a bit reticent as our relationship is not good but thought I could manage a 4 day trip somewhere perhaps. I send her a few low budget ideas before Christmas and she didn't reply.

She came for lunch today and said 'oh, we ought to plan a weekend somewhere at some point'

I said 'i though you wanted to go abroad' she siad' no I don't want to do that now'

I said ',I did wonder as you had gone a bit quiet about it's

She sort of snapped at me and said 'well I've been busy with ' (one of her neighbours passed away - not a particularly close one.

I said to her that I felt quite hurt that she had promised this holiday and then seemed to change the terms and conditions without explanation, apology or even acknowledgment of how my son and I might feel.

I said it wasn't about the holiday it was about the lack of acknowledgement of me and my son being offered this and then having it taken away. I said it made me feel like I wasn't a priority (which I said I accept).

She then did quite a few attempts at back tracking and 'yes but'

I have gone to pieces and have now ended up immobile on the sofa.

I talked to a friend about it and she was lovely and said everyone's triggers are different and I felt couldn't understand why I felt so bad.

AIBU to be emotionally distressed by DMs unexpected change of heart and delivery of this? Or I'd this normal because I can't seem to guage whether being so upset is a valid response.

She suggested something that got your hopes up, something that would cause you to take a huge step forward in your relationship.

You then put work and emotional energy into coming up with ideas. You imagined your son, her and yourself together in those places.

She then gave you zero communication and abruptly changed the plans with no explanation and then DARVO'd you when you shared your feelings.

You have had your mother who you were rebuilding with show you that you aren't emotionally safe with her, you aren't a priority for her and she doesn't keep her promises.

This will trigger not only you now, but probably decades of hurt, right back to childhood.

It is no wonder you are feeling like this, I would definitely be taking a step back from her and doing everything on your terms from now on.

In the meantime, treat this as you would an event like a car crash. Bundle up warm, have hot drinks and sugar and watch something comforting. Your body will be feeling the effects of your emotions and it takes tome to recover.

Sorry but you have overreacted a bit to this one thing. No one owes you a holiday. A dismissed plan is quite common in families as a one off sort of thing.

It's quite apparent that this isn't really about the broken promise of a holiday. It's an entire history of neglect and broken promises.

Sorry it sounds really hard but you need to forget the idea that your mum prioritizes your happiness/wellbeing.

I'm NC with my dad (my mum died) and my mental health has improved so much because I I just let go of caring what he said.

This is normal in these dynamics. A tiny part of you hoped after the estrangement she'd be different now. This just brings you straight back to that place, the place where you are reminded always that she isn't changing. She may be different in some ways but the core things that make her problematic won't ever change.

I'd set very clear boundaries in my head. One would be no holidays unless you are the one in full control of paying and organising. Nothing else ever because you will be hurt again and again. I wouldn't even want that tbh. Day trips are probably the very most I'd consider with her and DS and only if I'm organising. Any suggestion she made I'd take with a pinch of salt absolutely expect it won't happen.

Get boundaries clear in your head. You must be in full control of any activity. Everything she suggests, I'd simply dodge it now and say it's not going to work ( eg the holiday) but how about a day trip here and you'll organise and pay.

It's not quite gaslighting what she has done here but it is as insipid and mentally torturous as that. It makes you question yourself and feel guilty! Awful behaviour and unforgivable imo. You need to work on getting a bit tougher / hardened to her.

@Circumferences the history is very important here. Downplaying and minimising these things is really horrible. The mum has been a dick here and is behaving akin to all the behaviour that caused OP a lifetime of trauma - hence her strong reaction now. She's doing that thing she always did to her growing up. It's incredibly traumatising.

@CatsndtheBear explained it perfectly.

I don’t think your response is ‘normal’ as such - but neither is your relationship with your mother. I’m guessing that what doesn’t seem like a big deal at all to most people has affected you very deeply because it’s triggered memories of being let down by your mother before. To me it sounds like the most minor of disagreements but if your relationship is very complicated then maybe this kind of thing is an emotional minefield within that context - which is understandable if you’re carrying all the weight of a difficult and traumatic mother-daughter relationship in the past.

Have you considered therapy? It might help you work through some of this and make sense of your own reactions and how you can manage your relationship with your mum going forward.

It’s not about the holiday. It’s about her offering something (that to you makes you think she wants to spend time with you) that made you feel she cared and then without warning or thought about your feelings just swept it off the table. Then when you tried to talk to her about it she turned it back on you

she could have offered a night in or a coffee out and her changing her mind would have made you feel the same.

if you are going to be back in touch (and I don’t know if it’s right to) then you need to make sure you have boundaries in place.

How about you read the OP one more time. Your reply comes off tone deaf

Why exactly are you subjecting your ds to such a woman? Because she's a relative? Not a good enough reason imo.
Been nc with dm for 13 years.. She hasn't seen my dc either. Your dm has fucked up your mh yet you offer up a precious ds to her? Why op? She won't love you more for doing it!! You simply give her more scope to abuse you and abuse another dc... Break the cycle and keep your dc safe. As is your responsibility..

Honestly, you can’t be in contact with this woman, it’s not good for you and it’s going to undo all your hard work in therapy. I’m so sorry.

I feel like to go away with someone who damaged you so significantly, will never be possible. You must, must, must protect yourself.

It would be reasonable if you didn’t have this history. But it sounds like you’ve felt very let down in the past. Trusted again. To be let down again.

Take some time away to heal and work out what you want to do going forward.

If you had a normal healthy mother daughter relationship you'd be massively overreacting. But it sounds like there's so much history to this that it's triggered something and really hit a nerve with you.
Maybe you need to consider backing off for a while for the sake of your MH

I wouldn't continue contact with her - she doesn't care that her actions hurt you and your child, so why keep up any kind if relationship?

ItGhoul

The OP has already had tons of therapy - it's in her original post.

This.
Absolute madness to risk your health being involved with her.
Your child needs you well.
They don't need you mother at all.

Poor you OP.. you are very brave to keep trying with her. This situation will be very triggering.
From personal experience I totally get you.

Thanks for all the replies. I am really questioning myself.

I thought the holiday would be a bit too much but in a silly sort of way wanted her to follow through with this plan and be able to plan it together to make it manageable. Sort of a few less days and with a timetable of nice activities.

The other thing that I'm questioning myself about is that over the holidays it was my nephew's birthday and interactions re this have been somewhat difficult. I am not on contact with that side of family either (my mother's other child, my sister) but we still exchange gifts for children.

I gave my mum a gift to pass on to my nephew - a book. I said to her 'oh did *DN get the parcel?' she said 'Yes, it was passed on'

I said 'oh I've not heard anything, or a thank you' and she said 'oh, well it was passed on'

I said 'oh, well I rarely hear from them, but i was just wondering if he liked it'

Then she said 'oh well yes, he opened it and was reading bits aloud from it to everyone when he opened it, it went down really well'. So I said

'oh that's great, that's all I wanted to hear' (it was something I hoped he would be interested in'

What I struggle with is why not say that he likes in the first place? Why did she have to withhold that info he liked his gift?

I think lots of replies are right, but because my mental health has been so bad a times and my mother and sister are very respected in their communities and families and I've not been the easiest person when I've been distressed, it's difficult to judge.

I do need to step back again, I just feel sad that I was beginning to slightly open up the door a
(with parameters and renewed sense of self after a fuck- ton of therapy) and have ended up feeling emotionally knocked sideways.

have been estranged from DM for a few years and have started to re-establish contact for sake of my DS mainly.

Have you considered that it would be in your son's best interests not to have contact with a woman who was able to hurt and absuse you so much as a child?

In addition to it being in your son's best interests to have his mum happy and mentally well. Your mother is actively undermining your happiness and potentially your future mental health.

You gave her a chance, it didn't work. No need to continue the relationship for your son ir your own sake. When he's older you can tell him that you tried and she failed

Oh I know this dynamic so well. People get upset about these terms but they're very good at describing this dynamic.

Look up narcissist family cult. Your mum needs the power of you and sister not communicating. She will play you off against each other and will revel in your questions and confusion ref gifts for nephew and how received.

You have no clear rules in place here and if you want to or need to retain some contact, you need rules.

Sometimes people cannot completely cut off.

I have set rules but I still get a little disappointed. Nothing like before though.

Dr Ramani on YouTube explains it all very well and gives advice.

I would not communicate through your mum any more! Send presents to kids directly.

Slightly different situation to me but I do want to sapass to you what my therapist said to me about my reeestablishing contact with an estranged parent (in my case my dad disappeared out of my life when I was 2).

By all means look for reestablished a prelationship. But you have to be honest with yourself what you want from it. Because if any part of what you want is about your parent being/ acting/ feeling/ saying/ showing/ understanding something about you so that you feel able to heal, it's never going to happen. And your parent will dissapoint you and let you down.

You have been so hurt by this person and it is a mistake to think that they are capable of making that better. The only healing available will come from you. Your parent, whatever they might even have said, will always be the person that wounded you and if they were capable of being anything else, they would never have done this to you in the first place.

So OP what were you hoping for, when you reestablished contact? Because the only healthy expectation you can have of this person is that they will let you down. If that is bearable, you can definitely make a new relationship with them. But it has to be with the them that they are, not the parent you wanted. The parent you wanted doesn't exist for you, and you need to find the things you wanted from them elsewhere.

Unless you can accept that then any relationship with your mum is going to hurt you. She's showing you you can't depend on her. So don't. Give up. If you can do that and still have a relationship then fine. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to replay again Iver and over,what she did to let you down and hoping each time it will be different.

Thanks. There were clear rules. I was doing just fortnightly contact and felt that asking her to pass on a gift was a relatively innocuous thing to do. My therapist would probably have her head in her hands to be honest.

The problem with my mum is all these things she says and does seem so reasonable and plausible that it leaves me second guessing myself.

It's such a shame.

I wouldn't have personally got excited over anything till it was booked as I know things don't always go to plan.

I mentally "divorced" my DM when my children were tiny, after a long history of alcoholism, being difficult and hurtful, and disappointment. Life was a lot easier when she became "just someone I used to know": we had some quite pleasant days together, and she even learnt to get my children's names right.

This what I'd like to happen. I think as @commonsense61 says, it's absolutely painful as I've never been able to rely on her for anything. The hurt isn't to do with the holiday, it's to do with her complete lack of capacity to be emotionally available. If she had said, 'oh I'm having second thoughts about the holiday, I'm a bit unsure about flying and I'm so sorry, I know you'd put some time into ideas, let's look for an alternative'. I would've been really fine. Relieved in fact. She hasn't given it a second though and brushed it off