Time off for GPs death

[Familysquabbles23]

NC as would be very outing with previous threads.
DH's father just died a week after unexpected fall so quite a shock all round.
DH has gone to stay with his DM, (we live 4hrs away) the nearby rels, DSis, DGC all adult are also staying with DM though they have their own placed nearby.

DSis, DGC's have all announced they are not going to work this week so they can support DM. This is a bit weird to me, although close as a family, they often didn't visit DM and DD(now deceased) for several weeks at a time. I'm not there but DH tells me he's being pushed out and feels excluded from any arrangements although he's expected to tag along like a good son.

I'd probably have expected DSis to have most of the week off to help her DM, particularly as some arrangements may be tricky, but all of them? Really neccessary/helpful? Seems like they are taking over, I'm not comfortable.

I've been bereaved of close relatives, DM, DF, DP, DB so I'm not short on the bereavement experience sadly. In my job I work with lots of young people who lose DGP etc they are usually back at work in 3 days max, with future time off for funeral. Is it standard to take so much time off to support DGP?

DH would stay there longer, but he feels so pushed out he's planning to cone home. He and his Mum have always been close but I guess geographically he's lost the link a bit.

AIBU to think this GC input is excessive?
AINBU GC should take a back seat and let DH be included in discussions.

DPil are/were both lovely btw, and quite traditional

Yeah, that sounds excessive. I wouldn’t really expect more than time for the funeral off work for a grandparent.

Sounds a bit unusual, didn’t occur to me to take any time off other than the funeral when my GPs died. I think I had an hour or so’s break when I got the news. Although particularly my grandad would have disapproved of any time off if he died, he’d have said ‘you’re not dead are you? get back to work!’ So his influence would have been there too!

There is no 'standard' when it comes to a shocking sudden death, grief and families.

And nor should there be.

When DH’s grandad died he took the day off that he’d died, and a day for the funeral.

In contrast, SIL took several months off work, her extreme grief and bereavement coincidentally ended the day she was due to go onto half pay rather than full pay. She works for the NHS and milks any paid time off for all it’s worth.

DH took the view that whilst he was very sad, it was not unexpected or traumatic that his 88 year old grandad died peacefully following a short illness and he didn’t require months, like SIL, to process it and grieve.

Has anyone asked the widow what she wants? I could see having such a full house being very overwhelming when she is grieving!

We used to get 3 days paid for a relative, anything else would be taken as holiday.

Although I suspect it was paid for longer, at the discretion of HR, in cases of spouse, children or parent.

Seems OTT to me. I only took 2 days off when my own father died - that day and the funeral. I worked from my mum's as much as I could but her internet is crap, so it wasn't every day or full days.

It’s not even your parent or grandparent that’s died, YAB so unreasonable to make judgement on how they handle it. It’s a shame for your DH that he doesn’t feel wanted, but how they handle their grief is totally personal and up to them, hopefully you keep your unfair judgements to yourself.

I don’t know I had two weeks off when my grandma died. Even though we knew it was coming it absolutely floored us and my mum went to pieces.

That does sound odd. It might be different if your DH and his sister weren't around but, given they are, what is there realistically for the GC to do?

Seems a bit strange to me. When my grandmother died at 92 I had the day of the funeral off, and a day either side for the travelling. I think for the travelling days I had to use annual leave. I wasn’t involved in any of the post-death practicalities though.

I can’t imagine taking more than a day or two off unless it was an immediate family death

however my grandparents died when I was a child, so have no experience of losing a GP as an adult.

no Right or wrong even if there is a usual. It really should be asking the nearest relative what they need. Sad for tyour DH if feeling pushed out, but he would need to be assertive (if he can given the grief).

If not now I’m sure that his mother will need support in months or years so if relatives have used theirs maybe DH can be there when other support of friends will reduce.

It’s unusual that employers would give a week of compassionate leave to grandchildren but if they have got supportive employers I don’t see why they shouldn’t be there to support family. They are old enough to undertake some of the death administration, even if it’s just making people aware of funeral arrangements or making sure people are still eating and drinking. It would be quite selfish if adult grandchildren that were perfectly capable of pitching weren’t and leaving it your SIL and DH. They are also old enough to have a say. It’s not just your DH’s loss but theirs too.

If they need the time off, they need the time off. You’ve suffered your fair share of bereavements so you know that no two bereavements at the same and there is no standard way to deal with a bereavement. There isn’t a set number of days that you are suddenly OK.

Can we type out who is who rather them ‘D’something - I can’t be the only one who finds it confusing when there are so many variations in a post!

there is no one size fits all to grief. I wouldn’t be passing any judgement on this.

There's no set standard surely? I had 3 weeks off when GF and GM died as we were so close it was devastating. This included before and after death. When DF died I had the day of his death and the day if the funeral off. Unfortunately for your DH the family all geographically close will 'take over' because they see them all the time. That's sad but physical,presence makes the closest bonds. Either DH speaks up or leaves ut up to him really.

I imagine your husband's mother is quite close to her daughter both emotionally and physically. His mother may have wanted this and not to be alone in the house . The GCs may take turns to be there while someone else is taking care of arrangements, etc. They can also be there for practical things. Unless there are some bad feelings I am sure they don't mean to exclude your DH . It's just that there is perhaps no task he is needed for atm . He may be asked his opinion on funeral readings etc or his mother may just make her own decisions.

It does seem excessive but not unusual to have one sibling take over all the arrangements. If DH has some specific requests for the funeral he should make it clear and if possible attend a meeting with the funeral director with his sibling/s. The GC really don’t need to be there. Sounds like they are milking the drama.

when my GM died I took the day off for the funeral which was around 11am. My manager asked if I’d be back in for the afternoon!!

It almost seems a case of my grief is worse than yours, my support is more important/relevant than yours. And that's between the GC rather than DH and Dsis. Yes I'm probably being. a bit judgemental, just doesn't seem to be the sort of support I'd be into, I'm the sitting round with a cup of tea type.
Maybe that's inappropriate these days

Live and let live is my motto, but I'm hurt for DH, his DF would expect him to step up as oldest child but he's being sidelined and that must be painful for him.

I'm keeping out of it, and I can at this distance fortunately.

GF died 2 years ago and I zoomed his funeral as DH was in hospital. GM I had the day off as I Iive a couple of hours away. They all sound like they're winding each up in the grief stakes. You do right by staying out of it.

I was really confused by the OP. I thought she meant that her General Practitioner had passed away.

This isn't about you, to be honest.

They can do what they need to do. You're coming across as quite judgemental.

It's a shame that your DH feels pushed out but it's not your place to feel "comfortable" or "uncomfortable" with the amount of time anyone outside your immediate family is taking off work. Those are two separate issues. You sound extremely judgy.

There's no set amount of time, nor should they be.

I used to work somewhere that gave you a standard week of compassionate leave for the death of "distant" relatives like grandparents, aunts and uncles. You got an automatic two weeks for immediate family. And of course you could always go off sick if you needed more. Now I'm self-employed I would take as little as I could as I can't afford not to.

I'm not sure it's your business how long other people choose to take off, tbh. It's a shame your DH feels pushed out but I'm not sure it's fair to blame bereaved grandchildren for that.

It could be an age thing.

Completely anecdotal but ( unless for very close relative) I find most people in their 40s and 50s are grateful to get the day of the funeral off and use some annual leave around it if needed for travel or to help with admin. Most in their 20s are taking a week or more compassionate leave plus additional time signed off with stress, and this is for grandparents, great uncle, aunt by marriage (all recent ones).