Time off for GPs death

[Familysquabbles23]

NC as would be very outing with previous threads.
DH's father just died a week after unexpected fall so quite a shock all round.
DH has gone to stay with his DM, (we live 4hrs away) the nearby rels, DSis, DGC all adult are also staying with DM though they have their own placed nearby.

DSis, DGC's have all announced they are not going to work this week so they can support DM. This is a bit weird to me, although close as a family, they often didn't visit DM and DD(now deceased) for several weeks at a time. I'm not there but DH tells me he's being pushed out and feels excluded from any arrangements although he's expected to tag along like a good son.

I'd probably have expected DSis to have most of the week off to help her DM, particularly as some arrangements may be tricky, but all of them? Really neccessary/helpful? Seems like they are taking over, I'm not comfortable.

I've been bereaved of close relatives, DM, DF, DP, DB so I'm not short on the bereavement experience sadly. In my job I work with lots of young people who lose DGP etc they are usually back at work in 3 days max, with future time off for funeral. Is it standard to take so much time off to support DGP?

DH would stay there longer, but he feels so pushed out he's planning to cone home. He and his Mum have always been close but I guess geographically he's lost the link a bit.

AIBU to think this GC input is excessive?
AINBU GC should take a back seat and let DH be included in discussions.

DPil are/were both lovely btw, and quite traditional

Sounds like you need a new motto.

Poor MIL. Surely she can do without a house full of people all jockeying for position as chief mourner? Her two children, yes, but the grandchildren there all day every day?

I'm really surprised that they can get all that time off. I think I was entitled to a day plus the funeral for my grandparent.

A few years, there was a young man in my team who wanted compassionate leave to attend the funeral of his partner’s 90-something old grandfather who lived in the USA. I wouldn’t let him have compassionate leave, other than for the day of the funeral, although was happy for him to go and use his annual leave. He appealed over my head to the director and it was granted.

It's not excessive. It's how they feel.

When my aunt died 20 years ago, my grandmothers sister travelled from the north of England to the south and stayed for three weeks. We didn't stay but did go back and forth frequently during this time.

We barely knew them before that. It changed (improved) the structure of our family - relationships still strong- and also, I'm not sure my DGM could have gotten through it without them as her own DC and us grandkids were completely absorbed by our own grief.

I was very close to my grandparents. I had almost 2 weeks off when my GM died, I was by her bedside for her last 2 days, sleeping in a chair next to the bed. I was heavily involved in arrangements and supporting my GF. I couldn't have focused on work at that time, I was distraught. My grandparents were no less important or significant to me than my parents or siblings. I don't think people who didn't have that close of a relationship with their grandparents really appreciate the significance of that loss for grandchildren who did have a very close relationship.

Apologies I thought I was following munsnet convention, I'll try to be clearer in the future.

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand close relationships aren't easy to define, but for the most part these young adults spent perhaps one evening a week with Grandparents, as a group and perhaps one day in a weekend a month. Most times I was there there was very little communication between Grandparents and Grandchikdren, just comments on food they liked, the weather, superficial stuff.

I'm really not dissing their grief, I'm just trying to understand the mentality of all of them needing to stay with Grandmother constantly, not to mention understand how they get that time off. They are doing some stuff Grandad like to do, places he used to visit, but its all stuff he hadn't done for years and didn't really do with the Grandchildren.

I guess the shutting out my DH, her oldest child, makes me suspect there is more going on than just straightforward grief. (I know we all grieve in different ways, but as I said I've sadly suffered more bereavement than most people and this feels different. )

Not sure what you mean ?

One of my aunts said that I shouldn't be involved in arrangements. She was quickly shut down by my mum and GF who said I was the one who had done most of the care for GM over the past year. My aunt had only visited a few times. As you think the link may have gone due to location could it be that the grandchildren were actually there a lot more than you are aware and were providing care and support to the grandparents?
I had no hard feelings towards by Aunt but I know GF was annoyed that she hadn't been there for my GM enough. Maybe that is what is leading to DH being pushed out?

To be fair to your SIL, just because your DH feels left out, it doesn't mean anyone is actually leaving him out. His expectations are probably skewed because he's used to his visits being all about him visiting and this dynamic is different.

It sounds like their lives are just more entwined, due to proximity. If you don't have relatives you pop into weekly, you aren't in a place to judge.

I don't think you should join in when he complains about SIL and her DCs, just reassure him it's not personal and everyone grieves differently. Longer term, it's in his interests to get on well with his wider family, not fall out because they didn't behave as he'd hoped at a difficult time. It's unlikely he's behaving exactly how they'd hope either - time to put "live and let live,' into practice.

Unusual unless the grandparent was a surrogate parent but often it is the direct parent you’re supporting rather than just grieving the GP.

My work have a 2 week bereavement leave policy and don’t specify who it has to be - just “close”. Too right, as I have been horrified in the past when someone has been interrogated on who has died and how they are related, that’s not how family and close friend relationships work.

My dad died awhile go and my DS (teen) and my eldest niece (late 20s) were particularly badly affected but my DF had been my DS's main father figure since he was a baby (doesn't see his own)- used to see him nearly every day and my DN was very close to him also- again had seen him nearly every day growing up and was closer to him than to her own dad.

“Seems like they are taking over, I'm not comfortable.“

Not really about you though, is it? Weird statement to make. Your comfort doesn’t really matter in this scenario.